Saturday, February 5, 2011


I've been meaning to post again for a few days. I didn't think I'd have to post about something like this. Until I was old and wrinkled.

I work a crazy schedule. I wake up on my work days at 11:30 at night. Today, I woke up and was getting ready to shower when I heard a knock on my door. Mom poked her head in and said she had some sad news. I was still waking up so I didn't really process what she'd said. She then proceeded to tell me that my uncle had been killed in some sort of motor vehicular accident. She said he'd been killed and I lost track of everything else. My hearing went fuzzy. When I saw she'd stopped talking, I told her my cousin had had her baby boy that afternoon. I couldn't even muster a smile.

Here I am, five and a half hours later, and I'm finding myself tearing up once again. The tears have fallen once or twice since she told me, but not every time. I just can't believe it.

When mom told me my uncle had died, my first thought was literally, "This isn't a very funny joke to tell someone who's waking up to go work a 12 hour shift." That thought was followed by This doesn't happen to my family, What about his kids?, How're his kids going to handle this?, How are my grandparents and the rest of my extended family handling this?, How's his wife, Aunt Donna, handling this?, I wonder how my dad will handle it, and several other things.

My family, both immediate and extended, have been through a lot. We've had: three cops, two on one side one on the other; four military recruits; several out of country moves; a great deal of illness; a few divorces; and a lot of hurt physically, mentally, and emotionally. I guess, with all of that, I kind of though we were indestructible. This uncle in particular was one I thought could live through anything. Imagine my shock and heartache at hearing he was killed doing something he'd done many times in his life.

Over the last several hours, I've wanted to scream and shout and cry and fall to pieces. He won't be at his kids weddings. He won't get to be there for his grandchildren. He won't grow old with his wife.

In the mormon religion, we say our understanding of death and the afterlife makes it easier to cope and move on. For someone like me, with a heart the size of Texas, my knowledge of the afterlife does nothing for the immediate sorrow and ache associated with losing a loved one. I just don't understand and need to have my time to grieve.

I read a book series by Chris Stewart called the Great and Terrible. The first book is about a family in the preexistence right before Lucifer and the third host of heaven were cast out. One of the characters makes a comment towards the end of the book that has been on my mind the passed few minutes. She says something to the effect of we're so sad that we have to leave heaven for Earth when we're born, but when we die, we fight so hard to stay here and those of us left behind grieve mourne the loss for years sometimes. I don't think I'll mourn my uncle for years. I'm sure I will have moments, years from now, when I remember him and feel that sadness again. I also know I will remember the times I spent with him that were pleasant memories.

Like the time I was living in Utah and he and my grandparents took me to the Idaho State Fair when I went to visit. I was missing home and wanted to spend time with my grandparents. I was very happy my uncle came with us because he reminds me a great deal of my dad. Growing up, I could never tell if it was my dad or one of his brothers calling because they sound very similar and have the same vocal inflections sometimes. On more than one occasion, my uncles have stepped up when my dad hasn't been able to be there.

I don't know the secret to a perfect life on this earth. I don't know how to tell someone to be happy. I don't know how to live a life devoid of pain. I do know that family is the tie that binds. I also know that there is no good that can come from putting off until tomorrow what can be accomplished today. So I'm going to make sure the people I love know that I love them and that I do what I can to be the best person I can be and live the best and most fulfilled life I can live.

And at the end of today, I'll still be hurting...but I'll hurt because I love and miss my uncle and I love and want to comfort my cousins. That is a love I hope I earn in my own life.

Friday, December 31, 2010

Last few hours of 2010

Well, no one can say 2010 wasn't a good year. So much has happened to me and my friends and family. It's making me smile just thinking about it.

For starters, I was hired full time at the very beginning of the year. That definitely set a tone for it to be just awesome. And it has been. It's been a fairly good ride this year and I'm happy with the results. There are always things I wish I'd accomplished, but I'm not dead yet. I'm not even close.

Last year, I wrote a post and included what I wanted for 2010. I kept it to three things that I thought were relatively easy to actually follow through with. In a way, I've done that. I wanted confidence, especially in my relationships. I've achieved that. I can talk to anyone. I do it for a living.

I wanted to be able to finish Hope and Ashes. Haven't accomplished that entirely, but I figured out how. I cleared my writers block and am back to progressing with a truly wonderful story. I've had a few people read my final draft of what I've edited so far and the response has been very positive. I'm excited to be able to put it in book form and hand it to my nephews, sister, friend, and anyone else who wants it.

The last thing I wanted was to find love...and boy did I accomplish that in an odd way. I wanted to find a love that would last me through eternity...and I did. No. I'm not engaged. I'm still not even really dating. What do you mean then, Kati? is probably what you're asking yourself. I mean this: I found me. I wanted a love worth dying for and God showed me a mirror. I have spent a great deal of my life under the firm belief that I don't matter as much as other people. He showed me differently. I may not be where I need to in all aspects of my life, but I'm beautiful and amazing and so blessed with talents and gifts and possessions and people in my life. I have discovered these things, but more importantly, I believe them. I have told people, my mom in particular, that they could not change the events of my life...because I did not want to change my life's path. You cannot change someone. The way one sees him/herself will not change until one wants it to change, no matter how you try to bribe or convince.

All in all, it's been a great year. That's not saying it has been all sunshine and roses. There's been a lot of growing pains involved with everything that's transpired in my life and this year was no different. There were fights and arguments and tears and heartache. In August, a friend of mine was killed in Afghanistan when the vehicle he was in flipped after hitting a roadside bomb. He was the gunner and the obvious result was his death. That hit me a lot harder than I was anticipating. Benjamen Chisholm had a personality I've envied for many years. He lived life with a go hard or go home attitude and he loved almost everyone. He always took care of the people around him. At the memorial service we held for him in Fort Worth, several of his friends repeated something that will stick with me forever. They said that he told them that he could not live with himself if someone else died because he wasn't there...and he lived up to that. He followed through on what he believed in. I will forever admire him.

Looking forward, I'm anticipating great things for 2011. I'm focusing on loving myself more and getting in shape simply for health reasons. I'm also going to move out. Hallelujah! It's time. I'm going to go to school and I'm going to set myself up for the rest of my life. There is no going back from here. There is no waiting until I can. There is here and now and what lies in front of me. And I plan on taking full advantage of that.

Happy New Year!

Saturday, December 11, 2010

We're having a little problem with our entry sequence

We may experience some slight...turbulence and then...explode! Hahaha Love that movie!

Well, it's been 5 months since I last posted anything, so I figured I may as well. I need to write anyway. I haven't taken enough time to do that lately. Not that I'm so incredibly busy, I just haven't sat down and written. My journal is definitely calling my name.

Alright. update. The last time I blogged was July. Lots of things have happened and not happened since then. For starters, work. I am now working the 3rd shift at Dyncorp and I am not lovin it. I work three 12 hour shifts and one 4 hour shift. The 12's are Thursday, Friday, and Saturday, and the 4 is Sunday. While I had no life to begin with, any hope of creating one is now gone. Plus, I work on Sunday. Not exactly what I wanted to do. I'm being pushed past my limit with certain things at work and it's beginning to take a toll. I still enjoy learning and helping people and interacting with people, but I had an ah hah moment. More on that later. As it stands, I'm ok with where work stands to a degree, but that's all I'll say. Vague enough? ;)

Moving on. I actually just got back from vacation. I went to Utah to visit my cousins and brothers and had a blast. I visited so many people, spent so much money, and just relaxed. It was perfect. I should not be allowed vacations however, because I don't want to go back to reality. Traveling is officially my drug. I'm addicted and wish I could do more. I reconnected with two people who were very important in my life and who I hadn't seen in literally years. That was beyond fun. Catching up with Cathy and Cassidy was a ball and a half. I hope that I can maintain those friendships and keep them a little closer from here on out. It would be a shame to lose such awesome people again. (Thank heaven for FB) ;)

Ok. So, here's what I mean by ah hah moment. Anyone that knows me knows the type of person I am. I do very little to hide my personality and my beliefs. I have a tendency to care for people no one else "appears" to be caring for. Yeah. It's not always a good thing. The problem is that I see what people can be and not what they are as they're standing in front of me. That's been the cause of so much of my own personal issues throughout my life. I've known that for a long time. I also provide for many people on several different levels. I am a provider financially for some, emotionally for a great many, and logically for a few others. During all of this, I take little thought for myself. Bring in the ah hah moment.

I drove to and from Utah by myself. That's a lot of time to think. It's a 21 hour drive straight through. I stopped in Denver to sleep on the way home and visited with Cassidy for most of the night. The next day, I had a conversation with myself. Before you ask, yes. I was talking to myself out loud imagining different people reacting to what I'd say. My ah hah moment came when everyone I thought of asked me if I was happy. I have been forcing myself to be happy with what I have for years. I wouldn't let myself admit that I wasn't because I would be ungrateful if I did. Guess what. The light clicked on.

Being happy doesn't mean you should accept what you have all the time. For me, being happy is moving on with my life. I'm 25, I live at home, I work at a job I don't want to be at the rest of my life, I haven't started school, I'm not dating, and I'm generally...what's the word I'm looking for?...unhappy! I spend a great deal of time trying to help other people and better their lives. Why am I so unwilling to do the same for myself? I advise so many of my friends not to settle for anything less than what they truly deserve. Why am I so willing to let myself believe I deserve less than anyone else? Why am I so willing to forget that I deserve to be happy just like everyone else?

Wanna know the answer I came up with?...Just this: Cause I'm a retard. My ah hah moment consisted of me deciding that I'm not going to live my life for other people anymore. I'm still going to help where I can with what I can, but not at the cost of my own happiness. I tell half truths to avoid fights with people. Not anymore. I smile and try to be positive when my heart is screaming cause it hurts so much. That's not happening anymore. I deserve to be happy, just like everyone else. So I'm going to live for me. I've turned my focus to trying to find ways to get me where I need to be to be happy.

So...bring on the research. After I discovered the switch to that ah hah/eureka moment, I immediately started to think of ways to facilitate these changes I so desperately need. First up, I'm moving out. I'm 25 years old and I live with my parents. I wouldn't have such a problem with living rent free and having food provided and all that jazz, but I have a curfew. Yes, you read that right. I need to be on my own with my own rules. I don't know where I'm moving out too, but I've narrowed it to two places...I think. While I was in Colorado for those few hours, I got infected. I miss the mountains and I don't want to go back to Utah. It's halfway between Utah and Texas...ish...and I don't know anyone but Cassidy. That, to me, is beyond perfect. I am also considering moving into a house here. I wouldn't be able to do either without roommates as I have a dog and will need a house with a yard, but that's what the plan is. I'm planning for May at the earliest so I have time to figure something out and find what works best for me.

I'm also going to apply to school. My May timetable puts the date out far enough that I can take a semester of school in the meantime, which I fully intend to do. Registering for classes should be interesting, but that's my life.

All in all, I'm happier with just planning how to find my own happiness than I have been since....heaven knows when. Excited? Yeah...that would be me.

Thursday, July 15, 2010

...just a small town girl, livin in a lonely world...

Well, I think it's well past time for an update. Interesting how life seems to get in the way of things like blogging sometimes. Especially when the blog is just about me. Haha

Life is interesting. I've been presented with a few challenges the past few weeks that have been difficult for me to handle in a way that's different from anything else I've been through...but not so much that I couldn't deal with it.

My life is going well. I'm still not where I want to be on a lot of levels, but I'm working towards it. I still work for Dyncorp on the IT Service Desk which is still fun for me. I have my days where I'd rather shoot myself than go to work, but they are few and far between. I'm still learning a lot about the IT world and it's very interesting to me. I love being able to know more and teach other people.

Physically, I've been better. I'm still dealing with weight issues and had another problem at the beginning of June. I ended up in the ER with some pretty intense abdominal pain. Turns out, after some incredible pain meds and an ultrasound, I had gallstones. Luckily, my gall bladder wasn't infected so I didn't have to have emergency surgery. Still, after that "attack", I was out of work for two days. I scheduled surgery for June 28th not really remembering that my family would be out of town. :-/ So, on June 28th, my friend Justin Wright took me to the hospital and I had my gall bladder removed. Recovery didn't really take as long as I was expecting and I was walking around just fine the same day. I've been fairly healthy since then. Aside from the weight issues I mean.

I still play the piano in the singles ward. It's getting a little old. I don't have much else to do so I get bored with things there. Knowing my luck, that's probably something I'm supposed to be learning from though.

So today has been a little difficult for me. I stumbled onto something online that I was not anticipating or prepared for. When I saw it, I felt like I'd been punched in the gut. I had nearly been a part of something that would have hurt so many people. Seeing the way things are now and knowing how they were, I'm physically sick to my stomach. It breaks my heart to realize how big of an influence I have on certain people. My game used to be to see how much power I had over in particular.  After the adoption, I spiralled a little. Not nearly as much as I could, but more than almost anyone knows. I was not in a good place. I literally used to hook up with guys just to see how much I could control them...and I was very good at it. This thing that I found was evidence of some of the damage I could have done. Granted, I didn't allow things to progress to a point that was permanently damaging to these other people, but I definitely damaged myself.

I don't know. I have been pushing towards being happy for so long it's difficult to deal with a slide in the opposite direction. I know it's momentary and that I will find my feet again soon, but I don't like having to go over the same things.

On an emotional level, I'm doing better. I feel better about myself and have a lot more confidence than I've had before. I can feel pieces of me falling away and being replaced by things much stronger and much less prone to breaking. I am growing into a woman that knows who she is and what she's worth. And that's a plus. Living in fear of my own capabilities is stupid and ridiculous. Being afraid of what I can do is the least of my worries. There are more important things to do and living my life is one of them.

I am definitely glad I have people in my life willing to look past my shortcomings and push me to be who I should be.

Thursday, February 4, 2010

One month down

As I get older, time seems to get continually faster. I feel it slipping away from me as much as I felt it drag on and on when I was younger. It's ironic how when we get to this stage in our lives we want time to slow down whereas when we were younger, we couldn't wait to grow up and for time to go faster. Silly kids.

Life is good. I'm happy with the way things are going. As always, there are things to be improved upon, but once again that will take care of itself with time and effort. Internally, emotionally, mentally...I'm doing wonderful. Like everyone,  I have days where I would rather stay in bed and do nothing. I have days where I'm sad and feel as though I'm burdened with a weight I can't handle...but those days don't last forever. So, as a whole, things are going well. :)

I'm finally a permanent employee at Dyncorp which entitles me to all the benefits and time off and stuff that comes with it. Yes. This is me excited about that. I've been hoping and praying for this to happen since I was brought in as a contractor. I love the job and the people I work with are great people. They are so willing to help me figure out exactly what I'm doing...which is nice since half the time I have no idea what I'm doing!

I spend most of my time at home. I've definitely done a 180 from a few years ago. I don't like going places as much anymore. I'm so much more comfortable staying at home and being either with my family or by myself. I'm not exactly sure what is going on but, I don't necessarily mind it. On Fridays and Saturdays it bothers me, but most of the time, I don't care. Part of my problem I think is that I have such a hard time doing things other people like to do. I feel like I'm just over the hanging out and doing randomly silly things stage. I feel like there are so many other things I could be doing that I don't really want to do anything else. I think I'm also still rather self conscious and some of the things my friends want to do don't make me feel the most comfortable. I don't know.

I'm still trying to write and edit whenever I have time. It's kind of interesting how far this thing has come from when I started four and a half years ago. It's almost not even the same story. I like it though. I read over it and I can't help but be amazed that something that cool sounding came out of my brain. It's still quite an adventure for me. Even if no one else likes it, I am in love with my characters and my world and the adventures they're having. It's a rush and addicting to read it. I know that sounds conceited, but that's not how I mean it at all. I just know I was blessed with the ability to tell amazing stories and I'm still shocked over it.

I'm researching what it would take for me to get out of the house again. This time though, I need to rent a house. I have to take my dog with me and I can't do that in an apartment. Not real sure how I'm going to manage this, but I'm looking into it. Hopefully, I'll have something figured out before too much longer.

Well, that's about all that's going on. I have surrounded myself with good people who love me and care about me and that's enough for now. My family and friends are definitely worth keeping. :) I'll show you what I mean... Some of these pictures are kind of old, but they're all from last year.

This is my friend Lina, Ali, and my friend Jake. We went to take random pictures one night cause we were bored. Let me tell ya, interesting night!

Ali knows exactly how much I hate to have a nose touch she buried hers in my hair!

Jake and Justin are two of my favorite guys. They are literally there for me even when I don't know that I need them yet.

Haha This photo is a year old, but we were all gettin ready to go play volleyball. We used to hang out all the time!

Me, Whitlee, Big Mike, and Josh. Josh and Whitlee are getting married in a week and a half! Crazy. Let me tell ya...

Josh, Whitlee, and me when we went on a random trip to Dallas. We were walking and I couldn't resist.

We took random pictures with a big group of people right after Remi got out of his MOS school and Ali, Whitlee, and I attacked him.

Ali took a dance class in the spring last year and I went to her recital. She definitely got big hugs and kisses afterwards.

We went bowling with my brother and his in-laws who also happen to be Whitlee's family. Whitlee stole my camera and just started taking pictures.

And now there is no doubt where Whitlee gets her sillies from. :) That's her dad.

This is mine and Ali's friend Jarom. We used to go to Firehouse Subs every Monday before FHE and decided to take pictures one day. This is the result.

Two awesome girls. Kelsey and Allison. We went to the zoo after cleaning the church. That was a really good day.

This is part of the group that went.

Allison, Emily, Kelsey, and me. All the girls at the zoo.

Another random picture night. Kelsey, Adam, and Justin tryin to be cowboys...hahaha

The guys that went with us. Mikhail, Justin, Jake, Seth, Adam, and Ed. They were showin off their girly styles. :)

We went to Golden Corral and Seth decided to be Seth. :)

Haha Remi literally went head to head with the bull in the Southlake Towne Centre. Bull v Marine? I'm bettin Marine.
That's all for now. As you can see, my life is very full. :)

Thursday, December 31, 2009

So long 2009...

It's really kind of interesting to look at a year in retrospect and see things happen from this side. I started 2009 very optomistically. This year, I was going to learn and grow in ways I hadn't yet. I had every intention of stretching myself beyond my limit and truly finding who I am. I think I've succeeded for the most part. Here's a list of what I feel I accomplished:

1. I have grown closer to my Heavenly Father in a way I didn't think was possible for a long time. My understanding of Him and the things He wants for me has increased. With that came an increased ability to see His hand in my life. I spent a lot of time looking at things occuring in my life from the outside and was blessed with an understanding of many things.

2. I have shed much of my former self. I have outgrown my insecurities and can take care of myself now. I'm more quick to stand up for myself and I am recognizing and avoiding situations that would otherwise harm me. The woman that is emerging underneath the dirt and grime is a much more beautiful person than I originally thought and it's exciting.

3. I have made many new friends just as much as I have lost many old ones. My ability to cope with that change has increased. I still have difficulty with the idea of losing people I care about, but my turn around time has become so much better.

These are just things I can see. I'm sure there are other things I've accomplishied this year, but those are the ones that come to mind most readily. This is what I want to accomplish for 2010:

1. I would like to be more confident where relationships with the opposite sex are concerned. Part of that will come with improving my physical image, but I will forever be shocked when a man is interested in me. Especially when that man is as good as some of them are.

2. I would like to finally finish Hope and Ashes. There's so much editing still to do, but I'm confident I can get through it. Maybe then I'll be able to stop working and go to school and write for a living.

3. I would like to find love. Even if it doesn't last the way I want it to, I want to find someone who not only doesn't care about my past, but encourages me to be and think and do better. That's more of a wish than an actual desire. That's like me saying, "Ok, Lord. I'm going to trust your timing, but it would be really nice if you would send some form of prince charming my way." Or, "Lord, you've sent him to me, but he's not really getting it. Could you, ya know, strike him with lightening or something? Give him an epiphany and help him understand what's happening?" Silly, but that's me.

I'm excited to say goodbye to another year. It's been an eventful one for me and I'm excited for the new year. Things are going to get better and I just can't wait for it. God's blessed me with so much, I cannot wait to see what He has in store for me in 2010. Hopefully, everyone is as fortunate. This is what I imagine a letter to Him from me would say right now:

Dear God,
The things you've done for me this year have been incredible. I can't thank you enough for showing me what you have. I know I'm truly blessed and I'm so grateful for the lessons I've learned. Thank you for loving me when it felt like no one else would. I need to ask for a special blessing. You know what's in my heart and you know what I would like, but it would make me feel better to at least type it if not say it out loud. There's been so much hurt this year. Please heal just a little bit of it. Hearts and lives have been shattered and dreams have died. People's paths have changed. Help them to recover and find the way. Help them to discover what it means to live and love again. Don't let them fall into a hole. If you need me to, I'm willing to do whatever you need me too to help those that I can. I understand that you had me go through what I did so that I would be in a position to help others through what they have to go through. Please point me in the direction I'm needed the most and help me know what to say and do. We are all in so much need of you these days. Please let me help. Please let me be what you need me to be and help me put smiles on the faces of those whose hearts are weighed down and shattered. Help me help them find the pieces and some super glue so we can all be blessed with more smiles and love.

Love always,

Happy New Year

Monday, December 7, 2009

Life is good...

The title of this post pretty much says it all. I'm so excited for the holidays. The season has invaded my heart. I love Christmas. I love the traditions we have as a family and I love the general feeling of love the world has for each other. There is so much goodness in people and I'm glad that at least once a year, we can put aside our differences and just be. I wish we could have it be all year long, but human nature dictates that that is not necessarily impossible, but highly unlikely. Nevertheless, the facts don't change my love of Christmas.

Things in my life have been pluggin along at a good pace. I'm working at DynCorp again and it's soooo much better than three years ago. I love where I work and who I work with and that makes all the difference. There are quite a few wonderful people on my team that I just adore. There's always the people who like to make life difficult, but I'm handling things quite well. I like what I do. I'm the official Terminator. Hahaha People ask what I do and before I have a chance to say anything my coworkers speak up and tell them I'm a Terminator. The looks I get are pretty dang funny.

My personal life is going better. I'm figuring out how to make and keep myself happy and it's exhilirating. I am relying more and more on myself. The desperate need for approval from other people isn't as important as it used to be. I am learning to be happy with me and that's enough.

Remi is moving home apparently. He is anticipating either being sent to Afghanistan with DynCorp or going active duty in the Marine Corps. He's moving home in anticipation of leaving his stuff here. He was supposed to move home two days ago, but apparently we're bickering...which is news to me. He should be home in the next few days though. He and mom have apparently formulated a plan that I have no choice in. He told me that the days he's not running, we will be going walking. My battle with my weight, which isn't really a battle so much as me continually saying I'm going to war with it and then doing nothing, is driving him insane. He has been wanting to get me to go with him for a while and I just keep refusing. I'm going to try and start a competition with one of the guys at work though so I'm hoping Remi will give me more help. I would like to learn how to fight actually. I don't even know how to defend myself and my track record with creepers is such that it would probably be a smart thing.

One of these days, I will learn how to control my heart instead of allowing it to control me. I keep having to go through this particular lesson and it's still not sinking in. I can't even really say I'm getting better at control because I'm not. When I find something to love, I love hard. The consequence is I fall flat on my face and my face connects with the floor and breaks my nose. The break is intense and by now my nose is so crooked and screwed up it's a wonder anyone recognizes me. Maybe this was Heavenly Father's way of giving me a cheap nose job... Either way, you'd think by now I'd have learned my lesson. Not so much.

I'm the type of person that has a big enough heart to love everyone. Literally. I love my family. I love my friends. I love random people I meet on the street. I can't help it. I don't want to think badly of people. I will more readily think poorly of myself before I think poorly of someone else. I will go so far as to make excuses for bad behavior and abuse that's leveled at me. It's a blessing and a curse. People feel comfortable around me and are more ready to be friendly because I love so easily. It's a curse when I let my heart get in the way of my common sense and the falling happens. If there's no one there to catch me, and so far there hasn't been, the floor rushes up at me really really fast. The reaction time is getting quicker and I'm starting to actually get my hands up to nearly catch myself and keep myself from hitting the ground, but I'm just not quick enough yet.

So this post started with Life is good...and it is. :) I'm ok. Things don't always go the way I'd like them to, but they could go a lot worse. I've made many new friends this year and learned a lot of things. Christmas is still in my heart and I will keep it that least I'll try to. I hope next year has fewer connections with my old friend...the floor. :) I'm just gonna take it one day at a time and go from there.