tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2456946361837346782024-02-06T20:13:09.915-06:00Today is a good day..."Dirty or clean, crumpled or finely creased, you are still priceless.... and especially to those who love you." Author UnknownKatiahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11069481069440082510noreply@blogger.comBlogger25125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-245694636183734678.post-5026606981155908162011-02-05T07:18:00.000-06:002011-02-05T07:18:44.675-06:00*sigh*I've been meaning to post again for a few days. I didn't think I'd have to post about something like this. Until I was old and wrinkled.<br />
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I work a crazy schedule. I wake up on my work days at 11:30 at night. Today, I woke up and was getting ready to shower when I heard a knock on my door. Mom poked her head in and said she had some sad news. I was still waking up so I didn't really process what she'd said. She then proceeded to tell me that my uncle had been killed in some sort of motor vehicular accident. She said he'd been killed and I lost track of everything else. My hearing went fuzzy. When I saw she'd stopped talking, I told her my cousin had had her baby boy that afternoon. I couldn't even muster a smile. <br />
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Here I am, five and a half hours later, and I'm finding myself tearing up once again. The tears have fallen once or twice since she told me, but not every time. I just can't believe it.<br />
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When mom told me my uncle had died, my first thought was literally, "This isn't a very funny joke to tell someone who's waking up to go work a 12 hour shift." That thought was followed by <em>This doesn't happen to my family, What about his kids?, How're his kids going to handle this?, How are my grandparents and the rest of my extended family handling this?, How's his wife, Aunt Donna, handling this?, I wonder how my dad will handle it, </em>and several other things. <br />
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My family, both immediate and extended, have been through a lot. We've had: three cops, two on one side one on the other; four military recruits; several out of country moves; a great deal of illness; a few divorces; and a lot of hurt physically, mentally, and emotionally. I guess, with all of that, I kind of though we were indestructible. This uncle in particular was one I thought could live through anything. Imagine my shock and heartache at hearing he was killed doing something he'd done many times in his life.<br />
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Over the last several hours, I've wanted to scream and shout and cry and fall to pieces. He won't be at his kids weddings. He won't get to be there for his grandchildren. He won't grow old with his wife.<br />
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In the mormon religion, we say our understanding of death and the afterlife makes it easier to cope and move on. For someone like me, with a heart the size of Texas, my knowledge of the afterlife does nothing for the immediate sorrow and ache associated with losing a loved one. I just don't understand and need to have my time to grieve.<br />
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I read a book series by Chris Stewart called the Great and Terrible. The first book is about a family in the preexistence right before Lucifer and the third host of heaven were cast out. One of the characters makes a comment towards the end of the book that has been on my mind the passed few minutes. She says something to the effect of we're so sad that we have to leave heaven for Earth when we're born, but when we die, we fight so hard to stay here and those of us left behind grieve mourne the loss for years sometimes. I don't think I'll mourn my uncle for years. I'm sure I will have moments, years from now, when I remember him and feel that sadness again. I also know I will remember the times I spent with him that were pleasant memories.<br />
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Like the time I was living in Utah and he and my grandparents took me to the Idaho State Fair when I went to visit. I was missing home and wanted to spend time with my grandparents. I was very happy my uncle came with us because he reminds me a great deal of my dad. Growing up, I could never tell if it was my dad or one of his brothers calling because they sound very similar and have the same vocal inflections sometimes. On more than one occasion, my uncles have stepped up when my dad hasn't been able to be there. <br />
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I don't know the secret to a perfect life on this earth. I don't know how to tell someone to be happy. I don't know how to live a life devoid of pain. I do know that family is the tie that binds. I also know that there is no good that can come from putting off until tomorrow what can be accomplished today. So I'm going to make sure the people I love know that I love them and that I do what I can to be the best person I can be and live the best and most fulfilled life I can live.<br />
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And at the end of today, I'll still be hurting...but I'll hurt because I love and miss my uncle and I love and want to comfort my cousins. That is a love I hope I earn in my own life.Katiahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11069481069440082510noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-245694636183734678.post-13595418763195557722010-12-31T19:39:00.000-06:002010-12-31T19:39:14.444-06:00Last few hours of 2010Well, no one can say 2010 wasn't a good year. So much has happened to me and my friends and family. It's making me smile just thinking about it.<br />
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For starters, I was hired full time at the very beginning of the year. That definitely set a tone for it to be just awesome. And it has been. It's been a fairly good ride this year and I'm happy with the results. There are always things I wish I'd accomplished, but I'm not dead yet. I'm not even close.<br />
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Last year, I wrote a post and included what I wanted for 2010. I kept it to three things that I thought were relatively easy to actually follow through with. In a way, I've done that. I wanted confidence, especially in my relationships. I've achieved that. I can talk to anyone. I do it for a living.<br />
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I wanted to be able to finish Hope and Ashes. Haven't accomplished that entirely, but I figured out how. I cleared my writers block and am back to progressing with a truly wonderful story. I've had a few people read my final draft of what I've edited so far and the response has been very positive. I'm excited to be able to put it in book form and hand it to my nephews, sister, friend, and anyone else who wants it.<br />
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The last thing I wanted was to find love...and boy did I accomplish that in an odd way. I wanted to find a love that would last me through eternity...and I did. No. I'm not engaged. I'm still not even really dating. What do you mean then, Kati? is probably what you're asking yourself. I mean this: I found me. I wanted a love worth dying for and God showed me a mirror. I have spent a great deal of my life under the firm belief that I don't matter as much as other people. He showed me differently. I may not be where I need to in all aspects of my life, but I'm beautiful and amazing and so blessed with talents and gifts and possessions and people in my life. I have discovered these things, but more importantly, I believe them. I have told people, my mom in particular, that they could not change the events of my life...because I did not want to change my life's path. You cannot change someone. The way one sees him/herself will not change until one wants it to change, no matter how you try to bribe or convince.<br />
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All in all, it's been a great year. That's not saying it has been all sunshine and roses. There's been a lot of growing pains involved with everything that's transpired in my life and this year was no different. There were fights and arguments and tears and heartache. In August, a friend of mine was killed in Afghanistan when the vehicle he was in flipped after hitting a roadside bomb. He was the gunner and the obvious result was his death. That hit me a lot harder than I was anticipating. Benjamen Chisholm had a personality I've envied for many years. He lived life with a go hard or go home attitude and he loved almost everyone. He always took care of the people around him. At the memorial service we held for him in Fort Worth, several of his friends repeated something that will stick with me forever. They said that he told them that he could not live with himself if someone else died because he wasn't there...and he lived up to that. He followed through on what he believed in. I will forever admire him.<br />
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Looking forward, I'm anticipating great things for 2011. I'm focusing on loving myself more and getting in shape simply for health reasons. I'm also going to move out. Hallelujah! It's time. I'm going to go to school and I'm going to set myself up for the rest of my life. There is no going back from here. There is no waiting until I can. There is here and now and what lies in front of me. And I plan on taking full advantage of that.<br />
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Happy New Year!Katiahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11069481069440082510noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-245694636183734678.post-77439793457409033342010-12-11T05:59:00.000-06:002010-12-11T05:59:48.417-06:00We're having a little problem with our entry sequenceWe may experience some slight...turbulence and then...explode! Hahaha Love that movie! <br />
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Well, it's been 5 months since I last posted anything, so I figured I may as well. I need to write anyway. I haven't taken enough time to do that lately. Not that I'm so incredibly busy, I just haven't sat down and written. My journal is definitely calling my name.<br />
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Alright. So...to update. The last time I blogged was July. Lots of things have happened and not happened since then. For starters, work. I am now working the 3rd shift at Dyncorp and I am <u>not</u> lovin it. I work three 12 hour shifts and one 4 hour shift. The 12's are Thursday, Friday, and Saturday, and the 4 is Sunday. While I had no life to begin with, any hope of creating one is now gone. Plus, I work on Sunday. Not exactly what I wanted to do. I'm being pushed past my limit with certain things at work and it's beginning to take a toll. I still enjoy learning and helping people and interacting with people, but I had an ah hah moment. More on that later. As it stands, I'm ok with where work stands to a degree, but that's all I'll say. Vague enough? ;) <br />
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Moving on. I actually just got back from vacation. I went to Utah to visit my cousins and brothers and had a blast. I visited so many people, spent so much money, and just relaxed. It was perfect. I should not be allowed vacations however, because I don't want to go back to reality. Traveling is officially my drug. I'm addicted and wish I could do more. I reconnected with two people who were very important in my life and who I hadn't seen in literally years. That was beyond fun. Catching up with Cathy and Cassidy was a ball and a half. I hope that I can maintain those friendships and keep them a little closer from here on out. It would be a shame to lose such awesome people again. (Thank heaven for FB) ;)<br />
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Ok. So, here's what I mean by ah hah moment. Anyone that knows me knows the type of person I am. I do very little to hide my personality and my beliefs. I have a tendency to care for people no one else "<em>appears</em>" to be caring for. Yeah. It's not always a good thing. The problem is that I see what people can be and not what they are as they're standing in front of me. That's been the cause of so much of my own personal issues throughout my life. I've known that for a long time. I also provide for many people on several different levels. I am a provider financially for some, emotionally for a great many, and logically for a few others. During all of this, I take little thought for myself. Bring in the ah hah moment.<br />
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I drove to and from Utah by myself. That's a lot of time to think. It's a 21 hour drive straight through. I stopped in Denver to sleep on the way home and visited with Cassidy for most of the night. The next day, I had a conversation with myself. Before you ask, yes. I was talking to myself out loud imagining different people reacting to what I'd say. My ah hah moment came when everyone I thought of asked me if I was happy. I have been forcing myself to be happy with what I have for years. I wouldn't let myself admit that I wasn't because I would be ungrateful if I did. Guess what. The light clicked on. <br />
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Being happy doesn't mean you should accept what you have all the time. For me, being happy is moving on with my life. I'm 25, I live at home, I work at a job I don't want to be at the rest of my life, I haven't started school, I'm not dating, and I'm generally...what's the word I'm looking for?...unhappy! I spend a great deal of time trying to help other people and better their lives. Why am I so unwilling to do the same for myself? I advise so many of my friends not to settle for anything less than what they truly deserve. Why am I so willing to let myself believe I deserve less than anyone else? Why am I so willing to forget that I deserve to be happy just like everyone else? <br />
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Wanna know the answer I came up with?...Just this: Cause I'm a retard. My ah hah moment consisted of me deciding that I'm not going to live my life for other people anymore. I'm still going to help where I can with what I can, but not at the cost of my own happiness. I tell half truths to avoid fights with people. Not anymore. I smile and try to be positive when my heart is screaming cause it hurts so much. That's not happening anymore. I deserve to be happy, just like everyone else. So I'm going to live for me. I've turned my focus to trying to find ways to get me where I need to be to be happy.<br />
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So...bring on the research. After I discovered the switch to that ah hah/eureka moment, I immediately started to think of ways to facilitate these changes I so desperately need. First up, I'm moving out. I'm 25 years old and I live with my parents. I wouldn't have such a problem with living rent free and having food provided and all that jazz, but I have a curfew. Yes, you read that right. I need to be on my own with my own rules. I don't know where I'm moving out too, but I've narrowed it to two places...I think. While I was in Colorado for those few hours, I got infected. I miss the mountains and I don't want to go back to Utah. It's halfway between Utah and Texas...ish...and I don't know anyone but Cassidy. That, to me, is beyond perfect. I am also considering moving into a house here. I wouldn't be able to do either without roommates as I have a dog and will need a house with a yard, but that's what the plan is. I'm planning for May at the earliest so I have time to figure something out and find what works best for me.<br />
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I'm also going to apply to school. My May timetable puts the date out far enough that I can take a semester of school in the meantime, which I fully intend to do. Registering for classes should be interesting, but that's my life.<br />
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All in all, I'm happier with just planning how to find my own happiness than I have been since....heaven knows when. Excited? Yeah...that would be me.Katiahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11069481069440082510noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-245694636183734678.post-11656515752337068492010-07-15T15:10:00.000-05:002010-07-15T15:10:44.950-05:00...just a small town girl, livin in a lonely world...Well, I think it's well past time for an update. Interesting how life seems to get in the way of things like blogging sometimes. Especially when the blog is just about me. Haha<br />
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Life is interesting. I've been presented with a few challenges the past few weeks that have been difficult for me to handle in a way that's different from anything else I've been through...but not so much that I couldn't deal with it.<br />
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My life is going well. I'm still not where I want to be on a lot of levels, but I'm working towards it. I still work for Dyncorp on the IT Service Desk which is still fun for me. I have my days where I'd rather shoot myself than go to work, but they are few and far between. I'm still learning a lot about the IT world and it's very interesting to me. I love being able to know more and teach other people.<br />
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Physically, I've been better. I'm still dealing with weight issues and had another problem at the beginning of June. I ended up in the ER with some pretty intense abdominal pain. Turns out, after some incredible pain meds and an ultrasound, I had gallstones. Luckily, my gall bladder wasn't infected so I didn't have to have emergency surgery. Still, after that "attack", I was out of work for two days. I scheduled surgery for June 28th not really remembering that my family would be out of town. :-/ So, on June 28th, my friend Justin Wright took me to the hospital and I had my gall bladder removed. Recovery didn't really take as long as I was expecting and I was walking around just fine the same day. I've been fairly healthy since then. Aside from the weight issues I mean. <br />
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I still play the piano in the singles ward. It's getting a little old. I don't have much else to do so I get bored with things there. Knowing my luck, that's probably something I'm supposed to be learning from though.<br />
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So today has been a little difficult for me. I stumbled onto something online that I was not anticipating or prepared for. When I saw it, I felt like I'd been punched in the gut. I had nearly been a part of something that would have hurt so many people. Seeing the way things are now and knowing how they were, I'm physically sick to my stomach. It breaks my heart to realize how big of an influence I have on certain people. My game used to be to see how much power I had over people...men in particular. After the adoption, I spiralled a little. Not nearly as much as I could, but more than almost anyone knows. I was not in a good place. I literally used to hook up with guys just to see how much I could control them...and I was very good at it. This thing that I found was evidence of some of the damage I could have done. Granted, I didn't allow things to progress to a point that was permanently damaging to these other people, but I definitely damaged myself. <br />
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I don't know. I have been pushing towards being happy for so long it's difficult to deal with a slide in the opposite direction. I know it's momentary and that I will find my feet again soon, but I don't like having to go over the same things.<br />
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On an emotional level, I'm doing better. I feel better about myself and have a lot more confidence than I've had before. I can feel pieces of me falling away and being replaced by things much stronger and much less prone to breaking. I am growing into a woman that knows who she is and what she's worth. And that's a plus. Living in fear of my own capabilities is stupid and ridiculous. Being afraid of what I can do is the least of my worries. There are more important things to do and living my life is one of them.<br />
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I am definitely glad I have people in my life willing to look past my shortcomings and push me to be who I should be.Katiahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11069481069440082510noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-245694636183734678.post-35847946434517580252010-02-04T15:36:00.000-06:002010-02-04T15:36:22.639-06:00One month down<div style="text-align: left;"></div><div style="border-bottom: medium none; border-left: medium none; border-right: medium none; border-top: medium none;">As I get older, time seems to get continually faster. I feel it slipping away from me as much as I felt it drag on and on when I was younger. It's ironic how when we get to this stage in our lives we want time to slow down whereas when we were younger, we couldn't wait to grow up and for time to go faster. Silly kids.</div><div style="border-bottom: medium none; border-left: medium none; border-right: medium none; border-top: medium none;"><br />
</div><div style="border-bottom: medium none; border-left: medium none; border-right: medium none; border-top: medium none;">Life is good. I'm happy with the way things are going. As always, there are things to be improved upon, but once again that will take care of itself with time and effort. Internally, emotionally, mentally...I'm doing wonderful. Like everyone, I have days where I would rather stay in bed and do nothing. I have days where I'm sad and feel as though I'm burdened with a weight I can't handle...but those days don't last forever. So, as a whole, things are going well. :)</div><div style="border-bottom: medium none; border-left: medium none; border-right: medium none; border-top: medium none;"><br />
</div><div style="border-bottom: medium none; border-left: medium none; border-right: medium none; border-top: medium none;">I'm finally a permanent employee at Dyncorp which entitles me to all the benefits and time off and stuff that comes with it. Yes. This is me excited about that. I've been hoping and praying for this to happen since I was brought in as a contractor. I love the job and the people I work with are great people. They are so willing to help me figure out exactly what I'm doing...which is nice since half the time I have no idea what I'm doing!</div><br />
<div style="border-bottom: medium none; border-left: medium none; border-right: medium none; border-top: medium none;">I spend most of my time at home. I've definitely done a 180 from a few years ago. I don't like going places as much anymore. I'm so much more comfortable staying at home and being either with my family or by myself. I'm not exactly sure what is going on but, I don't necessarily mind it. On Fridays and Saturdays it bothers me, but most of the time, I don't care. Part of my problem I think is that I have such a hard time doing things other people like to do. I feel like I'm just over the hanging out and doing randomly silly things stage. I feel like there are so many other things I could be doing that I don't really want to do anything else. I think I'm also still rather self conscious and some of the things my friends want to do don't make me feel the most comfortable. I don't know. </div><br />
<div style="border-bottom: medium none; border-left: medium none; border-right: medium none; border-top: medium none;">I'm still trying to write and edit whenever I have time. It's kind of interesting how far this thing has come from when I started four and a half years ago. It's almost not even the same story. I like it though. I read over it and I can't help but be amazed that something that cool sounding came out of my brain. It's still quite an adventure for me. Even if no one else likes it, I am in love with my characters and my world and the adventures they're having. It's a rush and addicting to read it. I know that sounds conceited, but that's not how I mean it at all. I just know I was blessed with the ability to tell amazing stories and I'm still shocked over it. </div><br />
I'm researching what it would take for me to get out of the house again. This time though, I need to rent a house. I have to take my dog with me and I can't do that in an apartment. Not real sure how I'm going to manage this, but I'm looking into it. Hopefully, I'll have something figured out before too much longer.<br />
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</div>Well, that's about all that's going on. I have surrounded myself with good people who love me and care about me and that's enough for now. My family and friends are definitely worth keeping. :) I'll show you what I mean... Some of these pictures are kind of old, but they're all from last year. <br />
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<div class="separator" style="border-bottom: medium none; border-left: medium none; border-right: medium none; border-top: medium none; clear: both; text-align: left;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhanLjEKnOgDC1KscwkCHNwJMjaWWmREt24q5Tj3HajV0q-M6GGOBfSCANHf3XcxWgEtSsXI7hl939bJQ2MSyORHX9wkjMYyEooi92oNMrwIQWQpUg6TEdnp3HOYcm0M8O14QavBqL-n23C/s1600-h/DSCF2006.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; cssfloat: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" kt="true" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhanLjEKnOgDC1KscwkCHNwJMjaWWmREt24q5Tj3HajV0q-M6GGOBfSCANHf3XcxWgEtSsXI7hl939bJQ2MSyORHX9wkjMYyEooi92oNMrwIQWQpUg6TEdnp3HOYcm0M8O14QavBqL-n23C/s320/DSCF2006.jpg" /></a>This is my friend Lina, Ali, and my friend Jake. We went to take random pictures one night cause we were bored. Let me tell ya, interesting night!</div><div align="justify" class="separator" style="border-bottom: medium none; border-left: medium none; border-right: medium none; border-top: medium none; clear: both; text-align: left;"><br />
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</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg8_q5V_Uf-tHNJ4_K_Au8poguJkg9WLR8aqhZCVyu2KWAnj0Uo_t8uJA3yzO6_KlbzduzO8tebtouW4Z8QXeHZlbCHgHhSMthCgenPw1d0YRUqkYzBNftB4_MNuAM5q_ghfZ7RohlfBqGc/s1600-h/DSCF2027.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" kt="true" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg8_q5V_Uf-tHNJ4_K_Au8poguJkg9WLR8aqhZCVyu2KWAnj0Uo_t8uJA3yzO6_KlbzduzO8tebtouW4Z8QXeHZlbCHgHhSMthCgenPw1d0YRUqkYzBNftB4_MNuAM5q_ghfZ7RohlfBqGc/s320/DSCF2027.jpg" /></a>Ali knows exactly how much I hate to have a nose touch me...so she buried hers in my hair!</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><br />
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</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhztBCGeUY8dOTKJxO45nZhr7ZAIwVOjpFjjf8t5z0W6o3XOXkDg6IN8wA1IfeCwjC7c21SDR7tsVTjaC5jwqH2EEFUkvrEmhTG0aGWI0vHrFOSoD4-lSSTkE6cAtDM9EHoceSknrykE8p5/s1600-h/DSCF2028.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" kt="true" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhztBCGeUY8dOTKJxO45nZhr7ZAIwVOjpFjjf8t5z0W6o3XOXkDg6IN8wA1IfeCwjC7c21SDR7tsVTjaC5jwqH2EEFUkvrEmhTG0aGWI0vHrFOSoD4-lSSTkE6cAtDM9EHoceSknrykE8p5/s320/DSCF2028.jpg" /></a>Jake and Justin are two of my favorite guys. They are literally there for me even when I don't know that I need them yet.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;"><br />
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</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhqH8trIq7K1c_r4S338ghPCMdMixnp4MDPfihXdHpodClDYDw6Hg4e7wuKDetWEGGnMaCV6yWoB710k6oXGv6Ucdxj9h_5K5cT6EbnwfPa1GUfSxb3eJHU7jX0eGC3UTatdhtD6WRiDFIm/s1600-h/don't+forget+the+rain+boots!!.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" kt="true" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhqH8trIq7K1c_r4S338ghPCMdMixnp4MDPfihXdHpodClDYDw6Hg4e7wuKDetWEGGnMaCV6yWoB710k6oXGv6Ucdxj9h_5K5cT6EbnwfPa1GUfSxb3eJHU7jX0eGC3UTatdhtD6WRiDFIm/s320/don't+forget+the+rain+boots!!.JPG" /></a>Haha This photo is a year old, but we were all gettin ready to go play volleyball. We used to hang out all the time!</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;"><br />
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</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg9X56D9_Oq31D_0_wIdnDSEHYIp7CqUzkfaRQF9q0OYSPD45JvLLrv6rpglqc50Gp2gzswvVBHQ5FHxfQo_LuQirKYVtMRbLuuXHzThYO5-MZKny2c-MAQdF6VBemkPG006YIgKWqfDuin/s1600-h/there+we+go.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" kt="true" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg9X56D9_Oq31D_0_wIdnDSEHYIp7CqUzkfaRQF9q0OYSPD45JvLLrv6rpglqc50Gp2gzswvVBHQ5FHxfQo_LuQirKYVtMRbLuuXHzThYO5-MZKny2c-MAQdF6VBemkPG006YIgKWqfDuin/s320/there+we+go.JPG" /></a>Me, Whitlee, Big Mike, and Josh. Josh and Whitlee are getting married in a week and a half! Crazy. Let me tell ya...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;"><br />
</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgbFr3K6h4s6HLEcbxxvMPrYxLkxXtVoFncZLt_JbTm9D3bLXw2UOtk2-kWOW5ngTuSwapi-vjNqpeF3tFEWRhD3jKEvrrSyIp0rBsIzMcXHrC348bDQeC8ToSSQE1eIKf7cGqAGLFi6Yp9/s1600-h/while+we're+walking+even!+man+i'm+talented.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" kt="true" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgbFr3K6h4s6HLEcbxxvMPrYxLkxXtVoFncZLt_JbTm9D3bLXw2UOtk2-kWOW5ngTuSwapi-vjNqpeF3tFEWRhD3jKEvrrSyIp0rBsIzMcXHrC348bDQeC8ToSSQE1eIKf7cGqAGLFi6Yp9/s320/while+we%27re+walking+even!+man+i%27m+talented.JPG" /></a>Josh, Whitlee, and me when we went on a random trip to Dallas. We were walking and I couldn't resist.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;"><br />
</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjJLq_Ac8mRjN5lL48oLVjZKIxkS_QigsWzs5vWS-H8GIB2SsvUnZp2X6AUkwoX9WZywtadI7A38bZUtpqeJsaBJ91RuX9gWBjQIjfjswNZw4zxNS-XIdLTr1jTuezFqaqnkLL_5PiK9EyL/s1600-h/8723_168760055378_700645378_4087497_1608963_n.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" kt="true" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjJLq_Ac8mRjN5lL48oLVjZKIxkS_QigsWzs5vWS-H8GIB2SsvUnZp2X6AUkwoX9WZywtadI7A38bZUtpqeJsaBJ91RuX9gWBjQIjfjswNZw4zxNS-XIdLTr1jTuezFqaqnkLL_5PiK9EyL/s320/8723_168760055378_700645378_4087497_1608963_n.jpg" /></a>We took random pictures with a big group of people right after Remi got out of his MOS school and Ali, Whitlee, and I attacked him. </div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;"><br />
</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiAUy6Wb0nR5H6AcB7jr91aUL102AP9s7dfXs9qu5NSVJA-Nh3R5YwKyCCN9O-1j1sguS_DVAYTm2TX4FADRM3zrnXx2TzFosOIQxn2HcWaGpBMTZmTwivOjM22uUvU3rVrBS46ltneEuej/s1600-h/DSCF1666.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" kt="true" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiAUy6Wb0nR5H6AcB7jr91aUL102AP9s7dfXs9qu5NSVJA-Nh3R5YwKyCCN9O-1j1sguS_DVAYTm2TX4FADRM3zrnXx2TzFosOIQxn2HcWaGpBMTZmTwivOjM22uUvU3rVrBS46ltneEuej/s320/DSCF1666.jpg" /></a>Ali took a dance class in the spring last year and I went to her recital. She definitely got big hugs and kisses afterwards.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;"><br />
</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEja1xuxD20E_cNo19B5ics8tTuVNayhdFr8j984vyGtiVDGevAcR-Pqg2hqZt6FNtREfId_Il1LxfjNYodCw5Jt-5ZwSIudnMg8S3QRD-nwMwpZJmVoqmJR7OvcHqei0Kp_eu-KukGlaxbH/s1600-h/DSCF1592.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" kt="true" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEja1xuxD20E_cNo19B5ics8tTuVNayhdFr8j984vyGtiVDGevAcR-Pqg2hqZt6FNtREfId_Il1LxfjNYodCw5Jt-5ZwSIudnMg8S3QRD-nwMwpZJmVoqmJR7OvcHqei0Kp_eu-KukGlaxbH/s320/DSCF1592.jpg" /></a>We went bowling with my brother and his in-laws who also happen to be Whitlee's family. Whitlee stole my camera and just started taking pictures.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;"><br />
</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgF8fwmaYCWI0h__MSDpU5iwSPWR6l7lMd4tnYdtbQhjAsbCNCncNvflXUBC6jhtW1DycFKSUF4k1fbBoTm1kGPIV2jWPWcN_0VJZUjKfJOahyphenhyphen3TfdPHU7Lfvp9nFE5RbEbeUSCmI5-fHZv/s1600-h/DSCF1596.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" kt="true" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgF8fwmaYCWI0h__MSDpU5iwSPWR6l7lMd4tnYdtbQhjAsbCNCncNvflXUBC6jhtW1DycFKSUF4k1fbBoTm1kGPIV2jWPWcN_0VJZUjKfJOahyphenhyphen3TfdPHU7Lfvp9nFE5RbEbeUSCmI5-fHZv/s320/DSCF1596.jpg" /></a>And now there is no doubt where Whitlee gets her sillies from. :) That's her dad.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;"><br />
</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhR8vKk-TWbtx5wQ6zg9TP55GNBt8e2pZ0bFKy1TONktmVrKeP8pYEHfcBxBwm5CXCMAaQVKnmJlhHPipapjoQEzAQ6osvLgysGtSuTFBayOTlAfpSFkBMJBCWhDWM0ztEFqoPb8JPMudjf/s1600-h/DSCF1669.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" kt="true" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhR8vKk-TWbtx5wQ6zg9TP55GNBt8e2pZ0bFKy1TONktmVrKeP8pYEHfcBxBwm5CXCMAaQVKnmJlhHPipapjoQEzAQ6osvLgysGtSuTFBayOTlAfpSFkBMJBCWhDWM0ztEFqoPb8JPMudjf/s320/DSCF1669.jpg" /></a>This is mine and Ali's friend Jarom. We used to go to Firehouse Subs every Monday before FHE and decided to take pictures one day. This is the result.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;"><br />
</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgDF9P2oTN45y4t3M3l3-9ndfx0TnavyY81Q64WnCvRO5PToFzlyZEMkYYzsGkwSbpMcIRhcG9XQRPwlfx7nPJ3vvo1gDDMQeaHc7Dlw7Y8VIoqgkuYX-Jj-7GZ0qzWtbl7NHDjdLpQLgnF/s1600-h/DSCF1674.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" kt="true" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgDF9P2oTN45y4t3M3l3-9ndfx0TnavyY81Q64WnCvRO5PToFzlyZEMkYYzsGkwSbpMcIRhcG9XQRPwlfx7nPJ3vvo1gDDMQeaHc7Dlw7Y8VIoqgkuYX-Jj-7GZ0qzWtbl7NHDjdLpQLgnF/s320/DSCF1674.jpg" /></a>Two awesome girls. Kelsey and Allison. We went to the zoo after cleaning the church. That was a really good day.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;"><br />
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</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh9zHSFv5y2EQ-FemQ-Opg01ztXthmWvxXRiPzW-c1dpVyLsZ3_xamuthbFiMmPIjZuth2bxKXA9_L2xgRCYhVsJoDV5FhDK84jtFDdko223a6eZB6ghRf13W-WwDCB_bf0UHYIZ8P6_wYV/s1600-h/DSCF1682.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" kt="true" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh9zHSFv5y2EQ-FemQ-Opg01ztXthmWvxXRiPzW-c1dpVyLsZ3_xamuthbFiMmPIjZuth2bxKXA9_L2xgRCYhVsJoDV5FhDK84jtFDdko223a6eZB6ghRf13W-WwDCB_bf0UHYIZ8P6_wYV/s320/DSCF1682.jpg" /></a>This is part of the group that went.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;"><br />
</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiAkwjvnPQVTatNdp68o1D7HjYeEn5714Flo2h8oKjDv1vKkAyMcVRT4K2-fAiugXfPVhLVhiQgbn-QM3-fGUcMhoyCcVpL_HVVfHtvtxlgzgF8nnjAAObQ2QSkV0iQ8TqQuy5pcmLkQ3D5/s1600-h/DSCF1709.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" kt="true" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiAkwjvnPQVTatNdp68o1D7HjYeEn5714Flo2h8oKjDv1vKkAyMcVRT4K2-fAiugXfPVhLVhiQgbn-QM3-fGUcMhoyCcVpL_HVVfHtvtxlgzgF8nnjAAObQ2QSkV0iQ8TqQuy5pcmLkQ3D5/s320/DSCF1709.jpg" /></a>Allison, Emily, Kelsey, and me. All the girls at the zoo.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;"><br />
</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjp-mUXzUl0e0lk_4m7sp3pTrsYk0IBT_eCpciiQPUP1fkidlZkLdiJB-gKDQ2aDTFS-dJK9VdsjW347GS-exF7aHQEXITKAcmH3nhx1PbwRUqpBOX1fEUZi-R_39LPtoEVO8U2nCAmnfBP/s1600-h/DSCF1732.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" kt="true" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjp-mUXzUl0e0lk_4m7sp3pTrsYk0IBT_eCpciiQPUP1fkidlZkLdiJB-gKDQ2aDTFS-dJK9VdsjW347GS-exF7aHQEXITKAcmH3nhx1PbwRUqpBOX1fEUZi-R_39LPtoEVO8U2nCAmnfBP/s320/DSCF1732.jpg" /></a>Another random picture night. Kelsey, Adam, and Justin tryin to be cowboys...hahaha</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;"><br />
</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhOLzxWkX2oy22vMHyHnudZImCJNC6I0OvAoUAV6myjoh8yPl4UowOpI0E-nHxOBC9DkQ1DqnO_7N73YO8yf9LTJRmRXooqeSXoPH-2WJwWbc7eWc1BpCQ48MMVo900vv70dbvdLmnttLnS/s1600-h/DSCF1738.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" kt="true" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhOLzxWkX2oy22vMHyHnudZImCJNC6I0OvAoUAV6myjoh8yPl4UowOpI0E-nHxOBC9DkQ1DqnO_7N73YO8yf9LTJRmRXooqeSXoPH-2WJwWbc7eWc1BpCQ48MMVo900vv70dbvdLmnttLnS/s320/DSCF1738.jpg" /></a>The guys that went with us. Mikhail, Justin, Jake, Seth, Adam, and Ed. They were showin off their girly styles. :)</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;"><br />
</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiZ_KJdajc-7I_JLmIo_FqliuY4vz4eyWX3D_ytCK6K3WL9tPSIWIOI6YiH4Yot-kh5SqSuglfTq_XGmhTKqW79ecsyeJYxCkha0alo0qUNx0zL1Siu2E1Gzgfmqw9pJXemVHy4o8UfTKeu/s1600-h/DSCF1725.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" kt="true" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiZ_KJdajc-7I_JLmIo_FqliuY4vz4eyWX3D_ytCK6K3WL9tPSIWIOI6YiH4Yot-kh5SqSuglfTq_XGmhTKqW79ecsyeJYxCkha0alo0qUNx0zL1Siu2E1Gzgfmqw9pJXemVHy4o8UfTKeu/s320/DSCF1725.jpg" /></a>We went to Golden Corral and Seth decided to be Seth. :)</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;"><br />
</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhvmI4N_E98WorW_wEzip19auE-jjbzpLhGicSpw466VyBJW7DiimrT5a-vdD1LQuw1ZiIgcY2hpasyIb_qu2FgFDJBtqvkSe9mbpqa0jHENxlrVQZ9Bg2GqGOl7T0tKUn4dahbXDaBDlb9/s1600-h/l_030a97bcf32c431f84d235a5571780d5.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" kt="true" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhvmI4N_E98WorW_wEzip19auE-jjbzpLhGicSpw466VyBJW7DiimrT5a-vdD1LQuw1ZiIgcY2hpasyIb_qu2FgFDJBtqvkSe9mbpqa0jHENxlrVQZ9Bg2GqGOl7T0tKUn4dahbXDaBDlb9/s320/l_030a97bcf32c431f84d235a5571780d5.jpg" /></a>Haha Remi literally went head to head with the bull in the Southlake Towne Centre. Bull v Marine? I'm bettin Marine. </div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">That's all for now. As you can see, my life is very full. :)</div>Katiahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11069481069440082510noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-245694636183734678.post-62864960736361149912009-12-31T14:18:00.002-06:002009-12-31T14:41:02.805-06:00So long 2009...It's really kind of interesting to look at a year in retrospect and see things happen from this side. I started 2009 very optomistically. This year, I was going to learn and grow in ways I hadn't yet. I had every intention of stretching myself beyond my limit and truly finding who I am. I think I've succeeded for the most part. Here's a list of what I feel I accomplished:<br /><br />1. I have grown closer to my Heavenly Father in a way I didn't think was possible for a long time. My understanding of Him and the things He wants for me has increased. With that came an increased ability to see His hand in my life. I spent a lot of time looking at things occuring in my life from the outside and was blessed with an understanding of many things.<br /><br />2. I have shed much of my former self. I have outgrown my insecurities and can take care of myself now. I'm more quick to stand up for myself and I am recognizing and avoiding situations that would otherwise harm me. The woman that is emerging underneath the dirt and grime is a much more beautiful person than I originally thought and it's exciting.<br /><br />3. I have made many new friends just as much as I have lost many old ones. My ability to cope with that change has increased. I still have difficulty with the idea of losing people I care about, but my turn around time has become so much better.<br /><br />These are just things I can see. I'm sure there are other things I've accomplishied this year, but those are the ones that come to mind most readily. This is what I want to accomplish for 2010:<br /><br />1. I would like to be more confident where relationships with the opposite sex are concerned. Part of that will come with improving my physical image, but I will forever be shocked when a man is interested in me. Especially when that man is as good as some of them are.<br /><br />2. I would like to finally finish Hope and Ashes. There's so much editing still to do, but I'm confident I can get through it. Maybe then I'll be able to stop working and go to school and write for a living.<br /><br />3. I would like to find love. Even if it doesn't last the way I want it to, I want to find someone who not only doesn't care about my past, but encourages me to be and think and do better. That's more of a wish than an actual desire. That's like me saying, "Ok, Lord. I'm going to trust your timing, but it would be really nice if you would send some form of prince charming my way." Or, "Lord, you've sent him to me, but he's not really getting it. Could you, ya know, strike him with lightening or something? Give him an epiphany and help him understand what's happening?" Silly, but that's me.<br /><br />I'm excited to say goodbye to another year. It's been an eventful one for me and I'm excited for the new year. Things are going to get better and I just can't wait for it. God's blessed me with so much, I cannot wait to see what He has in store for me in 2010. Hopefully, everyone is as fortunate. This is what I imagine a letter to Him from me would say right now:<br /><br />Dear God,<br />The things you've done for me this year have been incredible. I can't thank you enough for showing me what you have. I know I'm truly blessed and I'm so grateful for the lessons I've learned. Thank you for loving me when it felt like no one else would. I need to ask for a special blessing. You know what's in my heart and you know what I would like, but it would make me feel better to at least type it if not say it out loud. There's been so much hurt this year. Please heal just a little bit of it. Hearts and lives have been shattered and dreams have died. People's paths have changed. Help them to recover and find the way. Help them to discover what it means to live and love again. Don't let them fall into a hole. If you need me to, I'm willing to do whatever you need me too to help those that I can. I understand that you had me go through what I did so that I would be in a position to help others through what they have to go through. Please point me in the direction I'm needed the most and help me know what to say and do. We are all in so much need of you these days. Please let me help. Please let me be what you need me to be and help me put smiles on the faces of those whose hearts are weighed down and shattered. Help me help them find the pieces and some super glue so we can all be blessed with more smiles and love.<br /><br />Love always,<br />Kati<br /><br />Happy New YearKatiahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11069481069440082510noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-245694636183734678.post-18079285899223431722009-12-07T13:18:00.003-06:002009-12-15T09:02:23.704-06:00Life is good...The title of this post pretty much says it all. I'm so excited for the holidays. The season has invaded my heart. I love Christmas. I love the traditions we have as a family and I love the general feeling of love the world has for each other. There is so much goodness in people and I'm glad that at least once a year, we can put aside our differences and just be. I wish we could have it be all year long, but human nature dictates that that is not necessarily impossible, but highly unlikely. Nevertheless, the facts don't change my love of Christmas.<br /><br /><br /><br />Things in my life have been pluggin along at a good pace. I'm working at DynCorp again and it's soooo much better than three years ago. I love where I work and who I work with and that makes all the difference. There are quite a few wonderful people on my team that I just adore. There's always the people who like to make life difficult, but I'm handling things quite well. I like what I do. I'm the official Terminator. Hahaha People ask what I do and before I have a chance to say anything my coworkers speak up and tell them I'm a Terminator. The looks I get are pretty dang funny.<br /><br /><br /><br />My personal life is going better. I'm figuring out how to make and keep myself happy and it's exhilirating. I am relying more and more on myself. The desperate need for approval from other people isn't as important as it used to be. I am learning to be happy with me and that's enough.<br /><br /><br /><br />Remi is moving home apparently. He is anticipating either being sent to Afghanistan with DynCorp or going active duty in the Marine Corps. He's moving home in anticipation of leaving his stuff here. He was supposed to move home two days ago, but apparently we're bickering...which is news to me. He should be home in the next few days though. He and mom have apparently formulated a plan that I have no choice in. He told me that the days he's not running, we will be going walking. My battle with my weight, which isn't really a battle so much as me continually saying I'm going to war with it and then doing nothing, is driving him insane. He has been wanting to get me to go with him for a while and I just keep refusing. I'm going to try and start a competition with one of the guys at work though so I'm hoping Remi will give me more help. I would like to learn how to fight actually. I don't even know how to defend myself and my track record with creepers is such that it would probably be a smart thing.<br /><br />One of these days, I will learn how to control my heart instead of allowing it to control me. I keep having to go through this particular lesson and it's still not sinking in. I can't even really say I'm getting better at control because I'm not. When I find something to love, I love hard. The consequence is I fall flat on my face and my face connects with the floor and breaks my nose. The break is intense and by now my nose is so crooked and screwed up it's a wonder anyone recognizes me. Maybe this was Heavenly Father's way of giving me a cheap nose job... Either way, you'd think by now I'd have learned my lesson. Not so much.<br /><br />I'm the type of person that has a big enough heart to love everyone. Literally. I love my family. I love my friends. I love random people I meet on the street. I can't help it. I don't want to think badly of people. I will more readily think poorly of myself before I think poorly of someone else. I will go so far as to make excuses for bad behavior and abuse that's leveled at me. It's a blessing and a curse. People feel comfortable around me and are more ready to be friendly because I love so easily. It's a curse when I let my heart get in the way of my common sense and the falling happens. If there's no one there to catch me, and so far there hasn't been, the floor rushes up at me really really fast. The reaction time is getting quicker and I'm starting to actually get my hands up to nearly catch myself and keep myself from hitting the ground, but I'm just not quick enough yet.<br /><br /><br />So this post started with Life is good...and it is. :) I'm ok. Things don't always go the way I'd like them to, but they could go a lot worse. I've made many new friends this year and learned a lot of things. Christmas is still in my heart and I will keep it that way...at least I'll try to. I hope next year has fewer connections with my old friend...the floor. :) I'm just gonna take it one day at a time and go from there.Katiahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11069481069440082510noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-245694636183734678.post-38627254788227541562009-10-12T14:22:00.002-05:002009-10-12T14:29:00.317-05:00Awesome songThis is the kind of love I want... Listening to it, I can see my wedding reception. I know that sounds so beyond crazy, but I'm not exaggerating. I've been listening to it for an hour because I don't want to stop seeing it. I can see me in his arms, dancing and crying and so blissfully happy. I can already sort of feel that in my heart. It's made my day kind of interesting to say the least. When I find a way, I'll embed a recording to this post.<br /><br />Lost in This Moment-Big & Rich<br /><br />I see your momma, and the candles and tears and roses<br />I see your daddy walk his daughter down the isle<br />Now my knees start to tremble as I tell the preacher<br />Don't she look beautiful tonight<br /><br />All the wonderful words in my head I've been thinking<br />You know I want to say ‘em all just right<br />I lift your vale, and angles start singing<br />Such a heavenly sight<br /><br />Chorus<br /><br />Lost in this moment with you<br />I am completely consumed<br />My feelings so absolute, there's no doubt<br />Sealing our love with a kiss<br />Waitin' my whole life for this<br />Watching all my dreams come true<br />Lost in this moment with you<br /><br />I smell the jasmine floating in the air like a love song<br />Watch my words draw sweet tears from your eyes<br />Bow our heads while the preacher talks to Jesus<br />Please bless this brand new life<br /><br />Chorus<br />Lost in this moment with you<br />I am completely consumed<br />My feelings so absolute, there's no doubt<br />Sealing our love with a kiss<br />Waitin' my whole life for this<br />Watching all my dreams come true<br />Lost in this moment with you<br /><br />Chorus<br />Lost in this moment with you<br />I am completely consumed<br />My feelings so absolute, there's no doubt<br />Sealing our love with a kiss<br />Waitin' my whole life for this<br />Watching all my dreams come true<br />Lost in this moment with you<br /><br />Lost in the moment, (in the moment) in this moment with you<br />Lost in the moment, yeah<br /><br />Lost in the moment, (in the moment in this moment with you<br />Lost in the momentKatiahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11069481069440082510noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-245694636183734678.post-39425266229554746092009-10-07T17:37:00.002-05:002009-10-07T18:04:23.031-05:00It's timeI haven't written in a while so I figured it's about time for me to update. I'm not sure how to describe the way I feel lately. I'm in a constant state of up and down. Some days are incredible, and others are not. I know that's normal, but that doesn't comfort me. I don't like being so emotionally unstable...because that's what it is. I don't know enough about myself to know how to keep things steady.<br /><br />Sometimes, I really wish that trials were a one shot deal. At least, the hardest ones anyway. I just want to be able to say I'm not worried about what tomorrow or the next day will bring. I know I'm not really ever going to be able to do that because that's the nature of this existence...but it would sure help me sleep better. I'm so very tired. I keep feeling pieces of me falling away and I can't grab all of them. I'm shedding much of what I've felt has made me who I am. The woman I'm finding underneath is a shocking contrast to who I thought was there. I don't even really know if I can describe the thoughts that are spinning through my head accurately.<br /><br />Today, I was sitting at my desk at work and thinking about the things that have been weighing on my heart and I felt an incredible urge to cry. I don't deal with pressure in my personal life very well. I was sort of listening to my ipod when I got an answer to an unspoken question. Listening to the lyrics was like shafts of light breaking through the thickest cloud that was smothering my heart. I don't even know if that's how to describe it, but there it is.<br /><br />My life has been fairly busy lately and is going to get much more busy in the next few weeks. I decided that I'd like to throw a Masquerade Ball around Christmas. Right now, the prospects aren't looking to good. Not many people seem all that interested and I'm getting a little discouraged. Knowing my luck, by the time it's all said and done, I'll have more work to do with this thing than I know what to do with.<br /><br />Remi was hired at DynCorp and is shipping out to Afghanistan in a week and a half. Stephane told me he was hired and my heart dropped. I don't want him to go. I'm terrified of him going over there even though I know that's a really irrational fear. That's my Remi. I don't want him to go.<br /><br />My birthday is in two days...and I'm ()<----this thrilled. I'm excited to go to Six Flags the day after, but my birthday has been steadily becoming more and more of a depressing day for me. I just don't want to deal with it. It's easy to ignore, most of my family forgets. So I'm hoping that's what happens. I don't want a big deal made out of this.<br /><br />It's weird that my own birthday is a more depressing day than my daughter's is. She turned three over a month ago. I took the day off and spent it doing some retail therapy with one of my friends. It didn't really bother me though. Even when I wasn't trying to distract myself, I didn't have a problem. Which is a good thing I suppose. The adoptive mom sent me a really cool gift with this package. She sends me gifts with every letter almost. This time she sent me a book and a dvd. The dvd is a home video of Liza singing and dancing and being Liza. Let me tell you, she's a goof. Her voice is deep but apparently not as deep as mine was and has always been, and she's so exuberant. I was tired by the end of the dang thing just from watching her bounce around. She's adorable though. Rambunctious and full of mischief, but adorable.<br /><br />Last month, President Uchtdorf came to a regional YSA conference down here. They invited anyone within a five hour driving distance. We were in MAJOR violation of the fire code, but it was an incredible experience. When he walked in the room, we started singing "We Thank Thee, O God, for a Prophet." I didn't get past the opening phrase. As soon as I saw him, I was so filled with the spirit that I literally couldn't say anything. I got a stupid grin on my face and just started crying. Ali looked at me and hugged me, which only served to make me cry harder.<br /><br />His wife spoke first. She's hilarious!! Her accent reminds me of my own grandmother even though she really doesn't struggle anymore. Her comments were focused on getting us to start dating and out of the "hanging out phase" and every comment was punctuated with her German personality. So cute!<br /><br />President Uchtdorf spoke on many things. He talked about what Sister Uchtdorf had talked about, and elaborated on his own topics. Really the only thing I remember was what he said about forgiveness. He said, "Heavenly Father forgives you, and then forgets about it. He doesn't keep beating it over your head. The only thing holding most of us back, is the inability to forgive ourselves. So, forgive. Forgive yourself." That hit my heart so hard. I say over and over again that I've moved past my mistakes, but every now and then, I focus on it again, and I know I haven't really forgiven myself. I know Heavenly Father has. I received a blessing from my brothers a few years ago and was told that I was forgiven. My own inability to forgive myself is the only thing keeping me from moving forward.<br /><br />So there's the update. Random and scattered I know...but then again, I don't have to be organized. That's Ali's department. ;)Katiahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11069481069440082510noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-245694636183734678.post-36189840919907518542009-08-14T11:31:00.002-05:002009-08-14T12:01:53.368-05:00Oh brother...Ok. I'm horrible at writing in this or any other journal. I generally have so much going on and I'm doing my best not to get sucked in by any electronics. I've wasted plenty of time on the computer and video game consoles, and I know that I'm not the particularly strong type that can keep from getting sucked in, so I avoid them altogether. Which I don't think is necessarily a bad thing...but there are things I need to go over and update on. I'm not exactly sure if anyone even pays attention to my blog still, but writing is therapuetic for me either way.<br /><br />This year has been interesting. It's had quite a few good things along with the bad. I think a lot of it has been my choice to be the best person I can be. It helps that I've got my sister around me literally all the time now and some awesome friends that are very supportive and willing to be there for me no matter what stupid problem I'm trying to fix.<br /><br />I am now working another new job...and it's one I wasn't particularly keen on taking. As everyone in the world knows, Chrysler is falling...fast. I was hired there as a temp. By law, an employer cannot retain a temp any longer than one year. At that point, they have to either hire them or terminate them. Because of benefits, it's cheaper for Chrysler to employ the core of their Operations Department as temps. We found out about a month, maybe a month and a half ago that they had no plans to hire any of us full time. Money is tight for me as it is. I was getting paid to do an accountants work at an entry level admins pay grade. Not the most pleasant thing in the world. In swoops Ali the Amazing to the rescue! She still works for DynCorp in the IT area. The helpdesk at DynCorp was looking for help and she told them I'd do it. They fought tooth and nail and hell and highwater to get me this job as quickly as they did. I wasn't working for a week, but I'm pretty solid now. I never thought I'd be working for DynCorp again, but I already like this environment much more than the one I was in before. It's so much more friendly. It is working with the Helpdesk meaning that I will probably eventually have to help answering phones, but that doesn't really scare me. I'm currently just processing terminations. Their goal is to turn all of the terms over to me so the other teams can get other work done. So I'm learning to do all of the different systems. I'm excited to see how this experience differs from my last one.<br /><br />I submitted my query letter and synopsis to Writers House in New York. They are the publishing agents whose clientele includes Stephen Hawking, Christopher Paolini-Eragon, Stephanie Meyer-Twilight, Nora Roberts, Brandon Mull-Fablehaven, among others. They take six to eight weeks to reply so I'm patiently waiting. I've been editing and tying things together better in the meantime, trying to make it uniquely my own and to make it make more sense. I'd like reader feedback as well, so if you're reading this and you want to read my book, let me know and I'll see what I can do about getting you a copy.<br /><br />As far as my emotional health goes, I'm doing fairly well. Most of the time I don't have issues with sadness like I used too. I've been really angry lately though and I can't explain why. I get enough sleep for three of me. Guess it's time to learn to control the red head in me and find my balance.<br /><br />We're getting close to September. I'd like to be able to disappear for the first Thursday, Friday, Saturday, and Sunday of September, but I'm not sure I should. It's been surprisingly more emotional this year than in previous years. This whole week I've been on the verge of tears. I'm trying not to let myself be such a whanie, but it's difficult. My memory isn't malfunctioning like I wish it sometimes would, so I'm assaulted at the most random times. Yesterday it was a song I was listening too that set off a trigger that for whatever reason forced me to relive the tearing feeling I experienced in the hospital three years ago. That's not an exaggeration. I was sitting at my desk at work and was bent over taking deep breaths trying to hold myself together because it hurt so much...but, and everyone that knows me will know how big this is, I immediately asked for help. I started praying and asked Heavenly Father to simply help me not to focus on the hurt. I didn't mind if He didn't want me to stop feeling it, but I asked Him if He'd allow it to lessen. I felt His arms envelope me and His hand on my head, helping to stave off the hurt. I knew He would never leave me to suffer through that again on my own.<br /><br />It's interesting to me to see how that relationship has grown. I actually believe that He cares now where I used to think He'd left me to myself. More often than not, I feel like the black sheep in my family. I'm the one that always has to do things the hard way. I don't like following rules, and I like to do my own thing. I love being around my family, but sometimes, they are what make me more angry than anything else. I'm also the heaviest person in my family, so physically I'm different too. It's always been harder for me to see anything of value in myself than it has for anyone else. Well, I take that back. It's been just as hard for the other two fair haired children. I think the logic in the family was unfairly passed all to the brunettes. The point in saying all this is that, while I may be a black sheep, I'm Heavenly Father's black sheep. When I feel like no one else wants me, I know He does. As long as I want to be better and am trying to be better, He's going to be looking for me. I'm the one sheep that He left the ninety and nine to go rescue and just knowing that makes me feel worth something.<br /><br />I'm sure there's more I could ramble about, but I'm going to end now. I just had a thought that I'm going to post the first chapter of my book on this blog. Let me know what you think of it. :)Katiahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11069481069440082510noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-245694636183734678.post-46109589765939215402009-03-10T22:56:00.002-05:002009-03-10T23:13:54.762-05:00Time for an updateWell, it's been three months since I've updated so I may as well get to it.<br /><br />I don't even remember what I posted in the last blog and I'm not gonna go back and read it again so if I repeat myself, I apologize.<br /><br />This has already been a fairly good year for me. Every year in my life has it's low points. I'm hoping that's the way most people are. I'm just choosing not to focus on them as much. Which I see as progress by the way.<br /><br />I started the year with a good job...always a good thing. I work for Chrysler Financial. Chrysler moved all of their financial operations down to Roanoke, TX, to save on money and I was fortunate enough to be placed with them through a staffing agency in November of last year. We've kind of had to feel our way to doing things correctly, but we're slowly ironing out the kinks. I enjoy what I do. There's a lot of learning that goes into it. Unfortunately, they've started giving me the things that require some math. I'm not too fond of math. In fact, I hate math. Lucky for me, it's just simple adding and subtracting. I am basically an accountant that gets paid a entry level admin assitant's pay...which for the moment I don't have a problem with. It's just a place for me to be able to pay the bills at the moment.<br /><br />I made a friend a work at the beginning of this year as well. He's an interesting character. I love him to death. He is an aspiring author. I love to read and I love to write. We talked about that a while back so he got into the habit of sending me any and all of the stuff he worked on so I could give him my opinion. He, in turn, asked me if I was writing anything since I seem to have a decent imagination. I told him I'd been messing around with a story I'd started telling my nephew about two and a half years ago when I was pregnant. He asked if he could read some of it.......and he fell in love with it. He told me he's my first bona fide fan and that he'd be upset if I didn't publish my story. I have always been told I have a talent for writing. I'm just now starting to take that particular compliment seriously. I've been writing this story for so long as a stress reliever. I never really intended to publish it because I never thought it was very good. Plus, it sounded like so many other books to me that I didn't want to just put another book out there that consisted of the same things rehashed and repackaged...but, my friend has perservered. He is not letting me get away with gently tucking it under a rug somewhere. He's connected like mad and is pushing for funding for me to get it edited and then sent to a publisher.<br /><br />On top of my fantasy book, I got together with a girl from church and wrote out my adoption story. I wrote a very brief summary of what I wanted to say, but it conveyed my feelings and the message I wanted to get out rather nicely. I told my friend at work about it and he and his wife are excited for that to be published as well. We've run into a lot of hedges though. I was telling my friend about it and he made a way far out there suggestion that just might actually work. Within our work organization, there are smaller organizations for target groups. He's friends with someone that is part of the Women's Network at Chrysler. He wants me to talk to her and see if they'll maybe help me and this other girl pitch our idea for the book. He also started talking about speaking at different places and events. He thinks that my experience is such that I could have a good affect on a lot of people. He also thinks, for whatever reason, that there couldn't be anyone better suited than me to go around talking to girls about adoption simply because it's a topic that I'm so passionate about. We'll see I guess. I have a feeling that this year is going to be full of many big changes for me.<br /><br />So that's my update for now. I'm trying to keep it fairly positive as the negative is starting to wear me down. There are so many things I'm looking forward to doing this year. I'll definitely post more if things go as planned. As it is, I'm exhausted. I have to work in the morning. Goodnight! :)Katiahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11069481069440082510noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-245694636183734678.post-24420930599394519092008-12-02T18:50:00.002-06:002008-12-02T19:12:41.442-06:00way overdue...So it's officially December of 2008. Where has this year gone? I feel like yesterday was the beginning of the year!<br /><br /><br /><br />It's been an eventful one, that's for sure. I now have three brothers gone from my parents house. One has been married for a while, one was married this year, and the other joined the marine corps. I know. Strange. It's definitely different and takes some getting used to.<br /><br /><br /><br />Stephane got married to Meagan in August. That was quite the event. I was very excited to see my family. My mom's parents and my aunt came up from California for the wedding. I was not expecting the reaction I had to having my aunt there. She and I got along incredibly and having her there was a lifesaver. I don't do well at weddings and she was a great buffer for a lot of what I was dealing with.<br /><br /><br /><br />Remi joined the marines. I have been hoping for a while that he would grow out of that phase, but it isn't a phase. I'm proud of him, don't get me wrong. I'm also very scared. He thinks he's going to be deployed soon and I'm less than enthusiastic about that. I know there are many men and women in the service that are deployed and in a war zone right now...it definitely hits home more when the war reaches your family. I miss my Remi very much. I'm excited about him coming home. It will be a very good day when he finally gets out of his training and has time to breathe and relax at home.<br /><br /><br /><br />I moved back to my parents house in August, right after the wedding. I just wasn't making ends meet very well in Utah so I decided to move while my parents were in Utah with my dad's truck. I didn't want to have to make them come back up with gas prices being horrendous and the truck being a diesel. I miss my roommates a lot and the freedom I had being on my own, but I'm already feeling better. I love being with my family, even though they drive completely bazonkers on occasion. I finally got a job two weeks ago and I'm making enough that I can start paying back on my debts that I owe to my parents and my sister. I can also start putting money away to either get on my own or get the things I need without having to worry about breaking the bank.<br /><br /><br /><br />Things weren't really all that great when I first moved home. I had some drama happen that tore me apart. It's not anything I can't overcome, but going through it was agony. I spent most nights and mornings curled up in my bed or on the floor of the shower just sobbing. I woke up several mornings as sore as possible just from the wracking sobs I was experiencing. That lasted for about two weeks before I started to get over it. There were plenty of times afterwards that I was completely miserable and let that misery rule me, but I'm doing better. I can't trust at all anymore, but I'm doing better. I seriously cannot bring myself to trust anyone right now. I even have doubts about my family having ulterior motives. That's really sad. One thing is for sure, I'm not taking a blind leap and trusting someone with my heart for a long time, if ever again. I just can't do it. I cannot have my heart broken like that again. It was like losing my daughter all over again...and no. That's not an exaggeration.<br /><br /><br /><br />Speaking of my daughter, I did something I'm rather proud of. I have been going to the singles ward down here...that's not what I'm proud of though. I have a friend in the singles ward that did the same thing I did with her son. She got pregnant and put her son up for adoption. We got to talking about our experiences and I told her I was appalled at the lack of literature geared towards birth mothers. Most of the books available are for parents looking to adopt. I don't remember reading a book written by someone who knew what was going to happen. She agreed with me. She told me that she and some other girls are getting their stories together and they're going to try and publish them. It's going to be kind of a chicken soup book. She asked me if I'd like to contribute. I told her I would as I'd already started doing that with the thought that I'd one day have my mom and the adoptive mom write their experiences and publish a book that way. So I started writing. Usually, writing is not difficult for me. Stories flow from the pictures in my mind onto the screen without any difficulty. Not the case with this one. Understandably, I found myself more often than not incapable of writing. I also found myself remembering things I'd forgotten. Incidentally, it took me three months to complete an eleven page essay. That never happens...but it's done now. I sent it to my friend. She's going to shop it around to some publishers and we'll see where that takes us. I'm to the point with this that I don't mind telling people exactly what I've been through. My life's experiences, especially that one, can help people. So if they wanna know, I'm gonna tell them. So....if it doesn't get published and you want to read it, let me know.<br /><br /><br /><br />Anyway. I've rambled enough I think. I'm going to go put up christmas decorations now. :)Katiahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11069481069440082510noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-245694636183734678.post-77497116301223135472008-07-07T10:32:00.002-05:002008-07-07T11:00:01.213-05:00Time for an updateOkay. It's been over a month since I've updated this thing. It's probably about time.<br /><br />Not a lot has changed and that's probably why I haven't updated. I'm still living in Salt Lake and I still miss my family incredibly. I got to go home for my brothers graduation at the beginning of June which was incredibly awesome. It was weird for me to be there and hear his name called and see him walk across the stage. It made me feel really old actually.<br /><br />The trip home was good for multiple reasons. I met Meagan which went much more smoothly than I expected. She and Ali and I spent a lot of time together. Ali is the maid of honor and therefore threw a bridal shower the day Remi graduated. Somehow, I ended up being in charge of most of it. I took care of the food and gave Ali little nudges when she lost her direction. Kind of stressful. It was fun though. Meagan and I also hung out on Monday just the two of us before I flew home. It was a thoroughly girly day. We went to the mall where I got some things for a friend of mine that is in Iraq at the moment at a Texas store there. I spent way more money than I should. But it was a lot of fun getting to know her a little better. It was a lot of fun getting a feel for her. She's a lot like my mom. Anyway. After the mall, we went and got our nails done. We talked while we were sitting there and over the course of the conversation, I was asked to be a bridesmaid. I've never been a bridesmaid which I'm totally okay with surprisingly.<br /><br />So, on top of participating in the bridal shower at home, I'm now going to throw one here and invite the family that lives close. We'll see how that goes. I'm not exactly rolling in the dough so we'll see.<br /><br />Being a bridesmaid is going to be a little more difficult than I thought too. I have to lose fifteen inches around my waist. That's right. Inches. Not pounds. I have until August 15th. Yeah. A month and a half. I don't have a problem with it. I can do it. I'm just slightly nervous about not being able to stick with it. Once again. We'll see.<br /><br />I'm so completely exhausted lately. Emotionally I mean. I had a friend call me on Saturday night. My status on myspace and facebook has been slightly depressing lately and this was the first chance she'd had to talk to me. Usually she spends a lot of time talking about her issues so she promised she'd listen. I didn't even know where to begin. I don't tell people about a lot of things. I really don't. I bottle them and shove them where I don't have to deal with them and I work on the things I can handle. Consequently, I didn't know where to start. I started saying things and would get halfway through a sentence before not knowing how to continue. She kept saying, "Just let it out. Stop holding back." I didn't know how to describe what I was feeling. Unappreciated and taken for granted would probably be a good way to describe it now. I can't imagine how mothers feel all the time...but I started talking. I cried a little bit but not as much as I wanted to. There's some kind of healing power in tears. It's like they wash all the hurt out of my eyes and once I'm done crying, I can move on. I haven't been able to cry for a while. I cried a little but not as much as I thought I should I guess. Anyway. Talking to her didn't help as much as I wanted it to. I'm still stuck with the same feelings and no hope of resolving it anytime soon. Oh well. I'll survive I guess.<br /><br />Talking about this brings up another concern that's been on my mind. My inability to cry has me very nervous. I'm a very emotional person most of the time. The fact that I haven't cried about some of the things I'm dealing with is worrying me. I don't know what's happening. I almost feel like I've thrown a wall around my heart and don't know how to feel anymore. I mean, I feel things, but not the way I used to. And I don't like it. I feel strange. Like I'm not myself. Like the person that I see in the mirror isn't really Kati. She's a shadow of who she used to be.<br /><br />I will never be able to be who I was before. I've already accepted that...but there are things in my life I hadn't realized I'd given up. My ability to love unconditionally feels like it's been altered somehow.<br /><br />I don't know. I guess that's what I'm thinking about at the moment. The only other thing I need to say is thank you for the real friends that stick with me through everything. They're the ones that see the heartache and instead of running from it, try and help. There are a few of those and they even cross oceans now. ;) I have a very good friend in England whose friendship is one I'm growing to depend on. Anyway. I gotta get back to work. Have a good day! :)Katiahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11069481069440082510noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-245694636183734678.post-39549864378181836782008-05-30T10:13:00.002-05:002008-05-30T10:29:16.820-05:00Slightly frustratedYou know, life gets really tiring really fast. It's just stupid. That's about all I can think of to sum it up. It's just dumb.<br /><br />So I posted about Stephane getting married last time. Apparently, I need to censor myself now.<br /><br />I write to get out my own feelings. I don't write for anyone else. I write for my own well being. If I didn't have the ability I do with words and a way to articulate what I'm thinking and feeling, I'd go stir crazy. That is what this blog is for. I don't care who reads it. I don't care how they take things. I know what I intend and what I mean. I don't think I need to stop expressing myself that way. It is a free country, right? I don't understand why some people think they need to assume that they know what I'm saying without asking when it's unclear. I know I'm going to get in trouble for this but this is something I need to say.<br /><br />The reason I have issue with Stephane getting married has really very little to do with him. Anyone that reads this should know by now that I placed my daughter up for adoption two years ago in September. When any of my siblings get married, I'm going to have an issue with it simply because it makes me focus on everything that I have failed at. My siblings have not come close to making the mistakes I've made. It makes me feel very much like an outsider in my family. I feel like a black sheep in a sea of white wool. It hurts. At my cousins wedding last year, I had the same problem. All I wanted to do was run away instead of hitting that heartache head on at sixty miles an hour. So by saying what I did, I was merely saying that I'm nervous for myself. Not for Stephane and Meagan.<br /><br />I don't know Meagan. I am not the type of person to judge someone I don't know. I'm not the type of person to stick my nose in a situation that I have no business being in much less think my opinion on this particular matter with this particular brother would mean a whole lot. I am truly happy for Stephane and Meagan. Finding someone to spend eternity with is a blessing that I'm incredibly terrified I won't be able to receive.<br /><br />So, that being said, I'm going to apologize. I talked to Stephane the other day and explained why I said what I did and I will talk to Meagan when I go home next week. However, I guess I need to apologize to anyone reading this. I'm sorry that I come across as more judgemental and intolerant than I really am. That was not my intention at all and I hope you will forgive me. The purpose of this post is also not to get upset. Yes, I'm frustrated...but I'm trying to help people understand me...which is difficult cause more often than not, I don't understand me. I'm not a malicious person. I'm not going to pass judgement on anything. That much is obvious when you look at why I was with Josh Eckenrode to begin with. I'm sorry I made you think that I was objecting to Stephane marrying Meagan. I'm completely happy for them. I'm excited for them to be able to start this new journey together. I hope they will be happy and I wish them nothing but the best. Please understand that my issues about marriage have nothing to do with anyone getting married. I have a daughter. She will always be brought to the forefront when I attend weddings. The absence of a husband in that situation will always be something that haunts me. For the rest of my life. There is no getting around that.<br /><br />So, please forgive me. I'm completely open to questions and comments. If you have concerns, ask me. I don't bite. :)Katiahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11069481069440082510noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-245694636183734678.post-24777415939672206122008-05-16T14:44:00.003-05:002008-05-16T15:10:52.171-05:00Way too long...So, It's been two and a half months since my last post. Long time for me. Life's been interesting.<br /><br />I'm still in Salt Lake though for how much longer is unclear at the moment. I asked for a raise about two weeks ago because my supervisor quit and I now have to help manage a three person job as one of two people. I don't mind it. I love working in Purchasing with Mike. It's a little awkward at times because he's had a crush on me for a while but it's not too bad. It's getting to be almost like brother and sister now. We tease each other and play fight all the time. We make a good team though. All of the work gets done when we're both focused on trying to get it done by a set time. Our usual goal is to be able to open both front doors...which is kinda pointless since it gets filled up again the next morning and we just have to go right back and start all over again.<br /><br />I am pretty content living in Utah. For the most part. Things are going well. The seasons are changing and that's always a plus for me. I love the smells and sounds of spring and summer. For the past week, everyday after I get out of work, I'll get in my car and roll the window down and just drive around the valley. It's been kind of an essential part of my day as I'm having difficulty playing piano and I need some form of relaxation after work. I don't really have a reliable computer so I just drive around the Salt Lake valley after work for about an hour. It's the best kind of therapy I have right now.<br /><br />So, Stephane is getting married. I'm not going to say too much about it simply because I don't want to give the wrong impression or come across in a way that I'm not intending. I love my brother. I'm happy for him. I truly am. I haven't met Megan but my family raves about her. I have friends in Provo that grew up with her. I don't want anyone thinking that I am not happy for Stephane so I'm just going to leave that there. Our relationship is still not the best, which I am at a loss to explain, but he is my brother and I love him. It'll be interesting getting used to another brother being married and eventually having kids. That's just a strange thought in and of itself.<br /><br />It was kinda funny. About two weeks ago, I called my parents house after work to talk to my mom like I normally do and Remi was in the same room with her. She put me on speaker phone and Remi promptly told mom to tell me something. She responded that he should just tell me himself. So after some coaxing, I was informed that my diet and workout routine was no longer under my control if I decided to move home. Remi said that he will become my personal trainer if I move home to the point where every piece of food that goes past my lips has to be approved by him. He said he's going to get me up in the morning every morning to go running with our dogs and then after that, he's going to sit with me and read scriptures. Of all of my siblings, my relationship with him is the closest. It's interesting how that happened. We used to be at each others throats all the time. We were just so much alike. Now, I call him when I need advice for anything if I can't get a hold of my dad. I wish I could call Stephane like that but I know what both he and Mike would say so I'll just stick with Remi at this point. It's amazing how much insight that kid has into my heart and the way things work. He always knows exactly what to say and what I need to hear, even if I don't bring it up first. He's always quick to point out too that it's not coming from him. He's is a giant and he's only eighteen. I sure do love him. He just makes me miss my family an awful lot.<br /><br />Speaking of family, I had the best conversation with my dad last week. I was sitting at the piano in my house and trying not to cry because a lot of issues going on in my life and I got a phone call. It was the Indiana Jones theme song ringtone that I thought I had only assigned to one of my roommates. So I ran to pick it up and it said Dad Cell. He said that he just felt like he needed to call me because he'd felt like his Katiuh had been needing him for the past week. I just broke down in tears. He asked how I was doing and if everything was okay and I told him no. I didn't give him extreme details but I told him that I was not anywhere near okay. I have so many things going on that I am having the hardest time handling and being so far from my family is one of the biggest trials right now. He asked what he could do to help and I told him I didn't know. A lot of my problems are things I'm not very proud of. He told me that he and mom would do anything they could to help me and that he wanted me to think about what they could do. My first thought was to ask if I could go home. I didn't ask that but told him I would think about it and let him know.<br /><br />This weekend is girls weekend and I'm so excited about it. My friend Sarah Lockwood is coming up to Salt Lake and we are just gonna hang out until late tomorrow I hope. Shopping, movies, story-time, and random pictures are gonna be awesome.<br /><br />Anyway. I'm at work and was accused of spending too much time for personal internet time so I better go.Katiahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11069481069440082510noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-245694636183734678.post-47887236290556141062008-03-07T13:36:00.002-06:002008-03-07T14:03:43.648-06:00It's been a month...time to updateSo it's March 7th. It is Remi's birthday. He is eighteen. That is sooooo weird for me. Remi was kind of my baby so it's just a strange feeling. He has a picture posted on his myspace page of him when he was really little. He was too short to reach the keys on our piano but he was trying nonetheless. He is at the lower end just playing away with a huge grin on his face. It's kind of a big shock to me that he's eighteen now. I know he's not my baby but.....it sure felt like it. He's kind of like a twin........sort of. In a weird way. It's hard to explain.<br /><br /> Life continues pretty normally in Salt Lake. I spend a lot of time by myself at home. I go to work and come home and that's about it. Not that I have too big a problem with that but it gets old after a while. I feel very......stuck in limbo so to speak. I'm here and living life but not really living it. Things are just...I feel like a stick in the mud. Let's put it that way.<br /><br /> Work is going well. I will be hired full time next Thursday. That's the plan anyway. I'm a temp to hire right now but made such a name for myself by doing the boring stuff that they decided to keep me. :) They were actually fighting over who would get me permanently for a while. I think, with Teresa being so pushy, I'm going to shipping. At least for a little while. Teresa is the lady in charge of purchasing and she's kind of the crotchety old lady type. She pushes for things and usually gets them. She is trying to set me up with the guy that is her assistant and I'm totally not attracted to him. He's a nice guy but not my type. Anyway. I think that she is trying to push to get me to be part of shipping and receiving full time since they are in dire need of an assistant. Our company was just bought by LabCorp so a lot of procedures have changed. I tend to be very willing to do whatever is asked of me so I am a hot commodity for a lot of people apparently. The main thing that I'm worried about is the raise I'm supposed to be getting. That combined with my tax refund, whenever I get around to filing my taxes, will make me so much happier with my situation.<br /><br /> I miss my family more every day. I know I say that a lot but living without them is not something I like doing. Maybe it's living too far to be a part of the things they get to do that I don't like. I don't know. I think that I have a really bad attitude about my situation right now and it's affecting everything I do. I hate going out because I have a very prejudiced view of the people around me. It's really dumb.<br /><br /> Well, that's me at the moment. If anything exciting happens, I'll keep ya posted.Katiahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11069481069440082510noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-245694636183734678.post-44194397927387780322008-02-04T15:28:00.000-06:002008-02-04T16:18:46.264-06:00I'm so tired of the snow....Now is the point where all the snow gets brown and crusty and black and it's just gross. Of course most of it's been like that for quite some time now but I'm noticing it more right now. Snow is a wonderful thing. It's such a cool toy from Heavenly Father! :) It's a lot of fun to get in snowball fights with your friends and then, when all the mischief is finished, turn around and go inside warm up in front of the fire or in my case the portable heater in my room and just chill with friends. :) I haven't had much opportunity to be a kid as much as I'd like to have this winter but I'm okay with that. Sometimes I have to be an adult. Unfortunately, I've had to be an adult for a while now and being a kid is not something I'm encouraged to do at my house.<br /><br />Life is going fairly well at the moment. I'm happier right now than I've been for about two and a half weeks. I met a guy that was incredibly anti-mormon and he created a lot of confusion in my mind. He thinks it's his mission basically to "save" mormons and I kind of followed right along for a little while. He had a lot of convincing arguments that totally threw me for a loop and made me very confused. I have had a hard time with church for a while now but I thought I was okay. I went to church by myself and for myself for the first time the Sunday before I met this guy. Then he chimes in with all of his anti literature and media and it was very convincing. Especially since I've been questioning a lot of the things he provided "proof" for. I'm doing better though.<br /><br />I watched the broadcast of the funeral for President Hinckley and I maintained my composure until President Monson got up to speak. Then when he was finished and the choir sang, somebody broke the water main behind my eyes. I had some really strong feelings during that ten to fifteen minute span of time and everything just kind of calmed down. I felt more at piece and happy than I have in a while.<br /><br />I still miss my family immensely. Being here in Salt Lake is not as easy as I thought it would be. I really took for granted the fact that I could live at home and not pay rent or have to buy food. I can't buy food here either though because my roommates eat it or throw it out but that's beside the point...sort of. I'm to a point where I just need to figure out where I want to go with my life and go from there. I keep thinking I might want to go to college and I've submitted my application to the "U" but I'm still dragging my feet. I don't know if it's just lack of motivation or what. Maybe I'm just super super lazy and I don't want to do it. I don't know. I wish I could figure out how things work.<br /><br />I have a new goal. I'm going to lose fifty pounds before I go home in June for my little brothers graduation! :) ......at least, I'm gonna try. I seem to remember a similar goal last year that died about a week after I set it. We'll see I guess. ;)Katiahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11069481069440082510noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-245694636183734678.post-28335368136540607552008-01-18T14:38:00.000-06:002008-01-18T15:28:14.262-06:00Just another updateSo I'm realizing that I probably shouldn't have written that post on the tenth. Not that I have a problem with people reading it, I just don't think that most people would want to know about that. I know what Mike would tell me....I need to put it behind me and never think about it again. Here's why I have a problem with that:<br /><br />What happened in my life in the past two or three years is not something I can just sweep under the rug. Having a child, married or not, changes the aspects of your life and the things that you focus on. I wrote about it because, even if it doesn't help me right now to talk about things, looking back on it later will. Having a journal or some record to look back on these things is a big deal for me. I almost wish I'd made a copy of the journal I gave to my daughter's adoptive parents so i could look back on how things are now as opposed to when I was right in the middle of everything.<br /><br />I didn't mean to offend or startle anyone. I guess my purpose in writing that was to maybe illustrate the way I think a little. I know that didn't make anything more clear to anyone but it's all I have. I don't know how to explain me. I never have. I wouldn't even know where to begin to start.......but I like me. I like what I've accomplished. I know I still have a long way to go but who doesn't? I'm working on it as much as I can but it's not something that can change over night despite what some people think. We're talking about YEARS of thinking a certain way and being told that it's wrong and you need to change it. That's not an easy thing to do.<br /><br />Anyway. That's my spouting off for the day. I'm sorry if I offended anyone by the post on the 10th. It was unintentional.Katiahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11069481069440082510noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-245694636183734678.post-17684076653636650282008-01-14T17:35:00.000-06:002008-01-14T17:53:33.991-06:00..........So I went to visit my brother yesterday. He and his wife just had two more babies making their grand total now six. I must say my new nephews are absolutely adorable. It's difficult not to be adorable with their parents being who they are. The twins have very distinct personalities already too and they're only a month old. The way I see it, one of them is very mellow and relaxed as long as he isn't poopy, wet, or hungry. The other one seems to need to be aware of everything that's going on around him. He seems to want to be with everyone else like he's eager to learn as much as he can about whats happening. They're still smaller than my daughter was when she was born! Which is good because Shaunae was carrying twelve pounds of baby as it was!<br /><br />I realized something as I was driving down to visit my brother and his family. I don't think I let them know nearly enough how much I love them. I almost started crying as soon as I walked in the house because I was so relieved that I could go there and just play with my family. Even though they aren't family by blood or even legally family, Mike is still my brother and Shaunae is still my sister-in-law and those kids are still my niece and nephews. I was so happy when I walked in that my little niece was excited to see me. Sometimes she's not so happy when I walk in. But yesterday she yelled my name and jumped at me demanding a hug. That almost brought me to tears too. My oldest nephew did the same thing. He saw that I was there, did a double take, and gave me the biggest hug he could manage. The whole time, I felt like my heart was just going to burst. I don't know why I've become such a blubbering idiot recently but my love for that family was really overwhelming.<br /><br />Mike is incredible and I'm so lucky he's part of my family. He has done so many incredible things for me. He is always willing to give me a blessing any time I need it and I've needed it a few times. He's very accepting of everything I've been through. His only qualms with anything I do is when I bring pictures of my daughter to his house. He thinks like my dad and believes I should just drop it where it is and never bring them out again. I'm not as trapped in that past as he thinks I am. I go through most of my days without thinking about my daughter though this blog would probably testify otherwise. I know she's where she needs to be and I'm glad that she's happy. I just like showing her off. It's all that I have. Maybe I shouldn't. I don't know. Opinions are welcome if you wish to give them.<br /><br />On a side note, yesterday was a wonderful day for me. I'm betting that next Sunday will be even better. I finally stayed for all three hours of church because I wanted to and not because someone was twisting my arm to stay. I conducted the sacrament meeting music which was a lot of fun. It's been a while since I've done that and I was soooooo nervous...but I pulled it off with a reasonably fair performance! ;) I will probably also end up playing the piano for the branch choir which has me a little nervous. I'm much more confident in my abilities but I'm still very self conscious and aware of my short comings. I'm also going to plan a trip to the Salt Lake Temple to do baptisms if anyone wants to join me...and my branch president wants me to think about going through the temple. Not sure if I really wanna go there yet but we'll see.<br /><br />My application is in for the U. I'm so much happier than I've been in a long time. Life is genuinely good.......and I can see it! What's more.......I absolutely love it. I will try and be more positive as time goes by. Negative is wearing on everyone and I'm sorry.Katiahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11069481069440082510noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-245694636183734678.post-47047827323221306082008-01-10T10:51:00.000-06:002008-01-10T11:29:01.058-06:00InterestingI just realized something. Today is two years to the day that I found out I was pregnant. Good grief it's been a while.<br /><br />I remember that day and cringe every time I think about it. I knew I was pregnant because I'd been sick for about two weeks. I'd wake up feeling like I wanted to throw up every day. I called in sick that day. I think it was a Monday. My mom said I should go to the doctor and consider the possibility I might be pregnant. Like I said, I already knew I was. I asked her to go with me knowing it would be easier if I was not the one to tell her. When they came back and told me the test was positive, I tried really really hard not to look at my mom and not to cry. We got out to the car and mom said I needed to call my dad because he knew we were going in. I started calling my dad and was surprised when she got on her phone. I heard her talking to the director of LDS Family Services and just about threw up right then and there. I was so mad that she would do that I just wanted to get out of the car and walk to Josh's house. I called my dad and told him, through a whole lot of tears, that I was pregnant and he said that mom was bringing him dinner to work and that he wanted me to come with her so we could talk. I agreed mostly to just get off the phone and not have to talk to anyone. Mom was still talking to the director and said that she had a daughter that would be needing to come in and talk to him very soon. She asked if she could set up a time but didn't need to.<br /><br />I remember thinking that I want to reach over and hit her. I had just found out I was pregnant which effectively made me admit to what I'd been doing with Josh......something I'd tried to deny the whole time I was with him. I knew that I was going to have a long hard road ahead of me and she was already trying to make my decisions for me. I didn't know what I was going to do. I knew that Josh would need to be told and that I had no right to keep it from him. I also knew that my parents would not want me to tell him. He was in rehab at the time and as far as they were concerned, he had no right to know anything. I called my boss at work and told him that I wasn't going to be coming in. I went home and the rest of the day is kind of a blur.<br /><br />I went to see my dad that night and I honestly don't remember a whole lot of what he told me. I remember my mom saying a lot of things that I would rather forget. She said that she had half a mind to send me away when I started to show because she didn't think keeping me at home with my siblings there was a good idea. She said that I was setting a bad example. Dad was a little more calm but I think I had broken his heart so he didn't really have much to say about that. Mom also told me that if I decided to parent my child, I would not be allowed at home. She said she would not have me around setting a bad example for my brothers and sister by being a single mother. We all agreed not to say anything for a little while until we could let it sink in to each of us. I remember that the ride home with mom was a lot more stressful than it otherwise should have been. Our relationship was strained anyway and her restrictions on me now that I was pregnant did not help in the least. I wanted to run away and marry Josh out of spite. I told her that I was going to tell him and that if she kicked me out, the only choice I'd have was Josh and that I would marry him.<br /><br />We didn't tell the rest of my family for like a week or two what was happening. I told my sister the very next day because I'm not good at keeping secrets and we shared a room and I was on the top bunk and it was already hard to climb up there. I told her and she started crying. She said that she would help in anyway that I needed her.<br /><br />When we told my brothers, we had a family council. They had no idea what was going on because family councils are usually held when the parentals are thinking about moving. Dad said that there was something that needed to be discussed and that no one was to interrupt until everything that needed to be said was said. He looked at me and told me to tell them and I started crying. I cried for about a minute before I choked out that I was pregnant. They all knew that it was Josh's baby. My little brothers were great. They all had to be touching me in some way. I had one holding my left hand, one wrapping his arms around my legs and one leaning his head on my shoulder and holding my other hand. They all said that they would help too. Rayo was so cute. He said that he and Nick would make sure their room was clean and baby friendly and that they would both help babysit and that they'd even get up in the night to help feed her if I needed it. They were great. They started calling the baby "Tiny Tim" until we found out it was a girl. Then she became "Tiny Tina". The only cloud of darkness came from my older brother. Stephane had much the same reaction my mom did and told me that he hoped I felt what I was going to go through to the highest degree possible. He said he felt like I would just go out and get pregnant again if I didn't. Remi got mad at him.<br /><br />So now you know why I depend so heavily on my family. They are my rock. Looking back on two years ago, I am not the same person that I was. I am so much stronger than I ever imagined I possibly could be. My family has been the main reason I've changed so incredibly. They are so quick to help me out in any way I need to be helped it's unreal. I hope that they understand how much I appreciate them. Even Stephane who eventually got off his high horse to support me too. We still don't get along very well but I'm glad he's my brother. :) I would not change them for anything in the world.<br /><br />Please don't misconstrue any of what I've said. I love my mom very much. We talk every day on the phone. Her reaction was unexpected but understandable considering the situation. She eventually told me that she would allow me to make my own decision about what to do. I love Stephane too. He's my big brother. He takes care of me in a lot of different ways even if we don't get along most of the time. He was the first to volunteer to help me drive up to Utah. He helped me escape Josh when I went home for Christmas. He's great. My whole family is great. I really lucked out in that respect.Katiahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11069481069440082510noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-245694636183734678.post-53020599237975918882008-01-09T15:50:00.000-06:002008-01-09T16:09:59.307-06:00Wow...I didn't think that I would keep up with this as much as I have been. Writing comes so naturally to me that anytime I sit in front of a computer, that's what I want to do. It's also cool to have people come up to me and ask me if I'm really typing that fast. :)<br /><br />So the thing in court is over. I gave a run-down of what happened yesterday. Today, I'm doing completely alright. I got a lot of texts from people that I asked to keep me in their prayers saying that they were excited that things had gone so well. I also got a call from my brother asking if there was anything he could be doing for me right now. His wife just had twins and he was checking and making sure I didn't need anything. I said my family is my sanity for a reason. I'm hoping to make it down to see them no later than this weekend.<br /><br />I truly have been blessed with the people in my life. I don't think I could say that enough. It may seem odd and a waste of time but I call my mom everyday. I call her on my lunch now since my commute to work has dropped from thirteen minutes to two and a half on a bad day. I talked to my sister the night before I had to go to court and she just kept telling me that I needed to get angry and harness that anger so I wouldn't be afraid. I tell one of my little brothers almost everything. He is my secret keeper and he's really dang good at it too. He is who I go to when I need someone to listen to me because he has no qualms about saying what he's thinking. He's actually pretty sensitive about it for a sixteen year old and he always says encouraging things. My dad is awesome too. I called him the night before the hearing too and he gave me a run-down of what he thought may happen and told me to be prepared for the worst and hope for the best. There is no doubt in my mind that my family loves me. I've done some pretty stupid things and they are still there to support me. They don't come any better than that!<br /><br />I have some really awesome friends too. The older brother that called me is actually my foster brother but he's part of our family just the same. I kind of became part of his family, or I felt like it anyway, when I was living with his sister. She's such a cool person. We didn't always get along and we don't really talk a whole lot anymore but she is still an incredible person. She has so much energy it's infectious. She has seen more transformation in me than I thought anyone would ever see. She is also, not that it's a bad thing at all, my biggest critic next to myself. She sees the good things I do but pushes me to improve on the things that I need to improve. She's just awesome in general.<br /><br />It may sound pathetic but I really don't have many friends. I have a lot of <span class="blsp-spelling-corrected" id="SPELLING_ERROR_0">acquaintances</span> but not many real friends. They all either got married or something similar and I was kind of left behind. Not that that is bad either. It's just kind of sad. I'm by myself essentially. Anyway. That's my blog for today.Katiahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11069481069440082510noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-245694636183734678.post-76257286321156331882008-01-08T13:27:00.000-06:002008-01-08T13:45:09.427-06:00I'm such a worry wart...So I know I totally freaked ya'll out yesterday about this whole court thing. I'm okay now. I went to the hearing today and the creep waived his right to a preliminary hearing. Basically, he took a plea bargain so I didn't have to testify against him.<br /><br />He has to register for ten years on the sex offender registry and there is a possibility that he will get prison time. He pleaded out for a third degree felony instead of a second degree so it carries a maximum sentence of up to 5 years in prison but that's up to the judge. He's also going to be sat in front of two psychologists to determine if he's competent to stand in front of a judge or jury and there is a 1000 foot restraining order against him. So I'm safe.<br /><br />I sent an email to my dad before I went home yesterday and basically broke down. He told me that the best way to conquer this fear that I have is to meet it head on which essentially what I did. I know I can handle something like that now. It's not that the nature of the fear has changed. My ability to handle it has grown.<br /><br />So now, on to bettering myself and putting the last few years firmly behind me. I have been in Utah almost a full year now and I am so not the person that I was when I first got here. If you had asked me to do what I did today last year I would have laughed at you and said absolutely not. So I'm grateful that I can even recognize that things are even that different. Here's to more improvement...something that will no doubt be a constant for me throughout my life as I'm always screwing up in one way or another. :)Katiahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11069481069440082510noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-245694636183734678.post-69273825228116435792008-01-07T16:37:00.000-06:002008-01-07T16:40:15.607-06:00Serious Panic Attack!Oh my goodness. I can't handle this. I have to be in court at 9 tomorrow and I can't handle this. I'm freaking out! I have to go and the only person going with me is a friend. Why can't tomorrow be the day after? Sometimes, a girl just needs her mom and dad and this is sure one of them. So lots of prayers for me would be good because tonight I'm going home and crying. I'll let you know what happens tomorrow.<br /><br />Is it bad when you're head starts spinning because of something you're thinking about?Katiahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11069481069440082510noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-245694636183734678.post-46090244384148405872008-01-07T10:00:00.000-06:002008-01-07T10:21:13.317-06:00I hate waking upYou know, going to sleep is all fine and good...until you have to wake up. Whoever designed that whole method needs to fine tune it a little.<br /><br />So I went to sleep last night thinking about something that I have to do tomorrow. I am absolutely dreading it. Something happened at the end of August that made me absolutely paranoid about what I have to do tomorrow morning. I really don't want to rehash what happened, but know that it's bad enough that I'm making myself sick over it. I just want to go home and curl up under my covers and pretend that nothing ever happened. I'm like that though. I'd much rather sweep it under the rug and leave it there than confront it head on.<br /><br />My weekend was good. I have slowly, over two or three years, stepped out of a shell that I have been comfortable with for a long time. I'm not to the point where I'd like to be. One of my best friends is so confident in herself and has no fear of anything. I want to be more like her. Not completely, but more. I spent the weekend at home, reading like the nut that I am, and sporadically spending time talking to my roommates. They are pretty cool. I have a hard time with a lot of things and I know my acceptance of some people is simply my attitude towards them and that's what needs to be changed. It's odd for me though that they are both six years older than I am and they come to me for dating advice. That's basically all we talked about this weekend. Not that I had a problem with it, it's just strange for me to think that these girls who I would have gone to when I was younger are coming to me.<br /><br />I don't know that I really want to believe in New Years resolutions. I think that more often than not, we set ourselves up to fail by tagging that name to the goals we have for our lives. There really is nothing special about setting a goal at the beginning of the year. It's probably a goal you've had for a long time...but if I were setting a New Years resolution, I would only make one. That would be to spend the year figuring out Kati. My dad is always telling me that he'll be happy when I figure out what makes Kati happy. He says that's what he wants more than anything. I think that, aside from one of my little brothers, I am the cause of most of his gray hairs. I have led a very different life than what I think either of my parents expected. My mom told me that when I was blessed as a baby, she knew I would have struggles that I'd have to deal with. She could not have been more right. But I'm trying to learn from it. I want to be happy. I don't know anyone who doesn't. I have just gone so long being unhappy and "getting by" that I'm not sure I know how to be happy anymore. I know what my brother in Orem and his sister would tell me. So yes, Becca. I'm going to try and take the hand that has been in front of my face for so long. Hopefully, by next year, I will be closer to being someone that people can love since that seems to me to be something that is rather difficult to do.Katiahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11069481069440082510noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-245694636183734678.post-61978315373968724332008-01-04T12:25:00.001-06:002008-01-04T12:43:54.060-06:00Hmmm.....I don't know how many people will actually end up reading this but I figured it would work well as a way to keep my thoughts organized and to keep people updated on what's going on. Stephane, my older brother, has one and it took me like a year to jump on that bandwagon for a very specific reason. I guess I can start by describing myself a little at the present situation.<br /><br />Anyone reading this will know a little of my history. I am the second of six kids or the third of seven with one older foster brother...however you wanna look at it. I'm 22 but I don't feel like it. I have a little sister and three younger brothers that I can't really call little brothers anymore since they're all taller than me. I still have issues getting along with some of them but it helps that I live in SLC and they are in Fort Worth, TX. It's true what they say. Absence makes the heart grow fonder.<br /><br />Life has been anything but normal for me and I guess you could dispute that too by asking for a definition of normal. My family has moved a lot. The biggest moves in my opinion happened in my teenage years. We spent time in Haiti and then Bosnia. That was interesting let me tell ya. Going through it, I would tell my parents that I was going to hate them forever. Looking back on it now, I wouldn't change the experiences I had for anything. The things I saw made me who I am today and I happen to like who I am which any of my family will tell you is a big deal.<br /><br />I've also been through my own personal hell/gethsemane for the past three years. I've been doing well though. I have reached a benchmark recently that I nearly didn't make so I'm proud of myself. Again, I wouldn't trade these experiences for anything partially because of who else was involved with it and partially because it made me the woman that I am today.<br /><br />I have a lot of interests in a lot of different things but feel like I'm outshined all the time. I love writing. It is at present one of my only outlets. I enjoy playing the piano but have been discouraged since being home and seeing how talented my younger brother is without having any kind of training. I've had a year and have been playing for seven years and he is a million times better than me. I also like to sing. I was in choir throughout high school when we were living in a place to attend a high school. That is also a little of a sore spot for me as this same brother is once again far superior to me. My parents have paid for a lot of the things that I never had an option to participate in even though I asked a few times. I like to cook and this is the one thing I can say that I honestly do better than most of the rest of my siblings. I think that they just don't like taking the time otherwise we'd all share that talent too.<br /><br />I know that all sounds very depressing and most of it is. It's difficult for me to focus on my own abilities when I'm so far outdone by my brother. He's younger than me too!!! That's all I'll say on that for now.<br /><br />I'm in the middle of writing a book that one of my other brothers, my sister, and my nephew have all previewed and love. They have told me numerous times that if I don't finish it, I will be in big trouble. So I'm working on that at work right now.<br /><br />I work for a pharmaceutical analysis company about two minutes, literally, from where I live. I am the receptionist and more often than not, I don't have anything to do during the day so I write. They're totally okay with it too. When I get into school in the summer, they said that I could do my schoolwork here too. So I'm excited about that.<br /><br />So yeah. That's me in a very abbreviated nutshell. I love my family with all my heart. We've been through a lot throughout our lives and I totally and completely count on them for a lot of my sanity. I am happy in SLC living my own life and discovering who I am and where I fit in this world. I'll keep updating as I remember too. ;)Katiahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11069481069440082510noreply@blogger.com3