Life is good...

The title of this post pretty much says it all. I'm so excited for the holidays. The season has invaded my heart. I love Christmas. I love the traditions we have as a family and I love the general feeling of love the world has for each other. There is so much goodness in people and I'm glad that at least once a year, we can put aside our differences and just be. I wish we could have it be all year long, but human nature dictates that that is not necessarily impossible, but highly unlikely. Nevertheless, the facts don't change my love of Christmas.



Things in my life have been pluggin along at a good pace. I'm working at DynCorp again and it's soooo much better than three years ago. I love where I work and who I work with and that makes all the difference. There are quite a few wonderful people on my team that I just adore. There's always the people who like to make life difficult, but I'm handling things quite well. I like what I do. I'm the official Terminator. Hahaha People ask what I do and before I have a chance to say anything my coworkers speak up and tell them I'm a Terminator. The looks I get are pretty dang funny.



My personal life is going better. I'm figuring out how to make and keep myself happy and it's exhilirating. I am relying more and more on myself. The desperate need for approval from other people isn't as important as it used to be. I am learning to be happy with me and that's enough.



Remi is moving home apparently. He is anticipating either being sent to Afghanistan with DynCorp or going active duty in the Marine Corps. He's moving home in anticipation of leaving his stuff here. He was supposed to move home two days ago, but apparently we're bickering...which is news to me. He should be home in the next few days though. He and mom have apparently formulated a plan that I have no choice in. He told me that the days he's not running, we will be going walking. My battle with my weight, which isn't really a battle so much as me continually saying I'm going to war with it and then doing nothing, is driving him insane. He has been wanting to get me to go with him for a while and I just keep refusing. I'm going to try and start a competition with one of the guys at work though so I'm hoping Remi will give me more help. I would like to learn how to fight actually. I don't even know how to defend myself and my track record with creepers is such that it would probably be a smart thing.

One of these days, I will learn how to control my heart instead of allowing it to control me. I keep having to go through this particular lesson and it's still not sinking in. I can't even really say I'm getting better at control because I'm not. When I find something to love, I love hard. The consequence is I fall flat on my face and my face connects with the floor and breaks my nose. The break is intense and by now my nose is so crooked and screwed up it's a wonder anyone recognizes me. Maybe this was Heavenly Father's way of giving me a cheap nose job... Either way, you'd think by now I'd have learned my lesson. Not so much.

I'm the type of person that has a big enough heart to love everyone. Literally. I love my family. I love my friends. I love random people I meet on the street. I can't help it. I don't want to think badly of people. I will more readily think poorly of myself before I think poorly of someone else. I will go so far as to make excuses for bad behavior and abuse that's leveled at me. It's a blessing and a curse. People feel comfortable around me and are more ready to be friendly because I love so easily. It's a curse when I let my heart get in the way of my common sense and the falling happens. If there's no one there to catch me, and so far there hasn't been, the floor rushes up at me really really fast. The reaction time is getting quicker and I'm starting to actually get my hands up to nearly catch myself and keep myself from hitting the ground, but I'm just not quick enough yet.


So this post started with Life is good...and it is. :) I'm ok. Things don't always go the way I'd like them to, but they could go a lot worse. I've made many new friends this year and learned a lot of things. Christmas is still in my heart and I will keep it that way...at least I'll try to. I hope next year has fewer connections with my old friend...the floor. :) I'm just gonna take it one day at a time and go from there.

Awesome song

This is the kind of love I want... Listening to it, I can see my wedding reception. I know that sounds so beyond crazy, but I'm not exaggerating. I've been listening to it for an hour because I don't want to stop seeing it. I can see me in his arms, dancing and crying and so blissfully happy. I can already sort of feel that in my heart. It's made my day kind of interesting to say the least. When I find a way, I'll embed a recording to this post.

Lost in This Moment-Big & Rich

I see your momma, and the candles and tears and roses
I see your daddy walk his daughter down the isle
Now my knees start to tremble as I tell the preacher
Don't she look beautiful tonight

All the wonderful words in my head I've been thinking
You know I want to say ‘em all just right
I lift your vale, and angles start singing
Such a heavenly sight

Chorus

Lost in this moment with you
I am completely consumed
My feelings so absolute, there's no doubt
Sealing our love with a kiss
Waitin' my whole life for this
Watching all my dreams come true
Lost in this moment with you

I smell the jasmine floating in the air like a love song
Watch my words draw sweet tears from your eyes
Bow our heads while the preacher talks to Jesus
Please bless this brand new life

Chorus
Lost in this moment with you
I am completely consumed
My feelings so absolute, there's no doubt
Sealing our love with a kiss
Waitin' my whole life for this
Watching all my dreams come true
Lost in this moment with you

Chorus
Lost in this moment with you
I am completely consumed
My feelings so absolute, there's no doubt
Sealing our love with a kiss
Waitin' my whole life for this
Watching all my dreams come true
Lost in this moment with you

Lost in the moment, (in the moment) in this moment with you
Lost in the moment, yeah

Lost in the moment, (in the moment in this moment with you
Lost in the moment

It's time

I haven't written in a while so I figured it's about time for me to update. I'm not sure how to describe the way I feel lately. I'm in a constant state of up and down. Some days are incredible, and others are not. I know that's normal, but that doesn't comfort me. I don't like being so emotionally unstable...because that's what it is. I don't know enough about myself to know how to keep things steady.

Sometimes, I really wish that trials were a one shot deal. At least, the hardest ones anyway. I just want to be able to say I'm not worried about what tomorrow or the next day will bring. I know I'm not really ever going to be able to do that because that's the nature of this existence...but it would sure help me sleep better. I'm so very tired. I keep feeling pieces of me falling away and I can't grab all of them. I'm shedding much of what I've felt has made me who I am. The woman I'm finding underneath is a shocking contrast to who I thought was there. I don't even really know if I can describe the thoughts that are spinning through my head accurately.

Today, I was sitting at my desk at work and thinking about the things that have been weighing on my heart and I felt an incredible urge to cry. I don't deal with pressure in my personal life very well. I was sort of listening to my ipod when I got an answer to an unspoken question. Listening to the lyrics was like shafts of light breaking through the thickest cloud that was smothering my heart. I don't even know if that's how to describe it, but there it is.

My life has been fairly busy lately and is going to get much more busy in the next few weeks. I decided that I'd like to throw a Masquerade Ball around Christmas. Right now, the prospects aren't looking to good. Not many people seem all that interested and I'm getting a little discouraged. Knowing my luck, by the time it's all said and done, I'll have more work to do with this thing than I know what to do with.

Remi was hired at DynCorp and is shipping out to Afghanistan in a week and a half. Stephane told me he was hired and my heart dropped. I don't want him to go. I'm terrified of him going over there even though I know that's a really irrational fear. That's my Remi. I don't want him to go.

My birthday is in two days...and I'm ()<----this thrilled. I'm excited to go to Six Flags the day after, but my birthday has been steadily becoming more and more of a depressing day for me. I just don't want to deal with it. It's easy to ignore, most of my family forgets. So I'm hoping that's what happens. I don't want a big deal made out of this.

It's weird that my own birthday is a more depressing day than my daughter's is. She turned three over a month ago. I took the day off and spent it doing some retail therapy with one of my friends. It didn't really bother me though. Even when I wasn't trying to distract myself, I didn't have a problem. Which is a good thing I suppose. The adoptive mom sent me a really cool gift with this package. She sends me gifts with every letter almost. This time she sent me a book and a dvd. The dvd is a home video of Liza singing and dancing and being Liza. Let me tell you, she's a goof. Her voice is deep but apparently not as deep as mine was and has always been, and she's so exuberant. I was tired by the end of the dang thing just from watching her bounce around. She's adorable though. Rambunctious and full of mischief, but adorable.

Last month, President Uchtdorf came to a regional YSA conference down here. They invited anyone within a five hour driving distance. We were in MAJOR violation of the fire code, but it was an incredible experience. When he walked in the room, we started singing "We Thank Thee, O God, for a Prophet." I didn't get past the opening phrase. As soon as I saw him, I was so filled with the spirit that I literally couldn't say anything. I got a stupid grin on my face and just started crying. Ali looked at me and hugged me, which only served to make me cry harder.

His wife spoke first. She's hilarious!! Her accent reminds me of my own grandmother even though she really doesn't struggle anymore. Her comments were focused on getting us to start dating and out of the "hanging out phase" and every comment was punctuated with her German personality. So cute!

President Uchtdorf spoke on many things. He talked about what Sister Uchtdorf had talked about, and elaborated on his own topics. Really the only thing I remember was what he said about forgiveness. He said, "Heavenly Father forgives you, and then forgets about it. He doesn't keep beating it over your head. The only thing holding most of us back, is the inability to forgive ourselves. So, forgive. Forgive yourself." That hit my heart so hard. I say over and over again that I've moved past my mistakes, but every now and then, I focus on it again, and I know I haven't really forgiven myself. I know Heavenly Father has. I received a blessing from my brothers a few years ago and was told that I was forgiven. My own inability to forgive myself is the only thing keeping me from moving forward.

So there's the update. Random and scattered I know...but then again, I don't have to be organized. That's Ali's department. ;)

Oh brother...

Ok. I'm horrible at writing in this or any other journal. I generally have so much going on and I'm doing my best not to get sucked in by any electronics. I've wasted plenty of time on the computer and video game consoles, and I know that I'm not the particularly strong type that can keep from getting sucked in, so I avoid them altogether. Which I don't think is necessarily a bad thing...but there are things I need to go over and update on. I'm not exactly sure if anyone even pays attention to my blog still, but writing is therapuetic for me either way.

This year has been interesting. It's had quite a few good things along with the bad. I think a lot of it has been my choice to be the best person I can be. It helps that I've got my sister around me literally all the time now and some awesome friends that are very supportive and willing to be there for me no matter what stupid problem I'm trying to fix.

I am now working another new job...and it's one I wasn't particularly keen on taking. As everyone in the world knows, Chrysler is falling...fast. I was hired there as a temp. By law, an employer cannot retain a temp any longer than one year. At that point, they have to either hire them or terminate them. Because of benefits, it's cheaper for Chrysler to employ the core of their Operations Department as temps. We found out about a month, maybe a month and a half ago that they had no plans to hire any of us full time. Money is tight for me as it is. I was getting paid to do an accountants work at an entry level admins pay grade. Not the most pleasant thing in the world. In swoops Ali the Amazing to the rescue! She still works for DynCorp in the IT area. The helpdesk at DynCorp was looking for help and she told them I'd do it. They fought tooth and nail and hell and highwater to get me this job as quickly as they did. I wasn't working for a week, but I'm pretty solid now. I never thought I'd be working for DynCorp again, but I already like this environment much more than the one I was in before. It's so much more friendly. It is working with the Helpdesk meaning that I will probably eventually have to help answering phones, but that doesn't really scare me. I'm currently just processing terminations. Their goal is to turn all of the terms over to me so the other teams can get other work done. So I'm learning to do all of the different systems. I'm excited to see how this experience differs from my last one.

I submitted my query letter and synopsis to Writers House in New York. They are the publishing agents whose clientele includes Stephen Hawking, Christopher Paolini-Eragon, Stephanie Meyer-Twilight, Nora Roberts, Brandon Mull-Fablehaven, among others. They take six to eight weeks to reply so I'm patiently waiting. I've been editing and tying things together better in the meantime, trying to make it uniquely my own and to make it make more sense. I'd like reader feedback as well, so if you're reading this and you want to read my book, let me know and I'll see what I can do about getting you a copy.

As far as my emotional health goes, I'm doing fairly well. Most of the time I don't have issues with sadness like I used too. I've been really angry lately though and I can't explain why. I get enough sleep for three of me. Guess it's time to learn to control the red head in me and find my balance.

We're getting close to September. I'd like to be able to disappear for the first Thursday, Friday, Saturday, and Sunday of September, but I'm not sure I should. It's been surprisingly more emotional this year than in previous years. This whole week I've been on the verge of tears. I'm trying not to let myself be such a whanie, but it's difficult. My memory isn't malfunctioning like I wish it sometimes would, so I'm assaulted at the most random times. Yesterday it was a song I was listening too that set off a trigger that for whatever reason forced me to relive the tearing feeling I experienced in the hospital three years ago. That's not an exaggeration. I was sitting at my desk at work and was bent over taking deep breaths trying to hold myself together because it hurt so much...but, and everyone that knows me will know how big this is, I immediately asked for help. I started praying and asked Heavenly Father to simply help me not to focus on the hurt. I didn't mind if He didn't want me to stop feeling it, but I asked Him if He'd allow it to lessen. I felt His arms envelope me and His hand on my head, helping to stave off the hurt. I knew He would never leave me to suffer through that again on my own.

It's interesting to me to see how that relationship has grown. I actually believe that He cares now where I used to think He'd left me to myself. More often than not, I feel like the black sheep in my family. I'm the one that always has to do things the hard way. I don't like following rules, and I like to do my own thing. I love being around my family, but sometimes, they are what make me more angry than anything else. I'm also the heaviest person in my family, so physically I'm different too. It's always been harder for me to see anything of value in myself than it has for anyone else. Well, I take that back. It's been just as hard for the other two fair haired children. I think the logic in the family was unfairly passed all to the brunettes. The point in saying all this is that, while I may be a black sheep, I'm Heavenly Father's black sheep. When I feel like no one else wants me, I know He does. As long as I want to be better and am trying to be better, He's going to be looking for me. I'm the one sheep that He left the ninety and nine to go rescue and just knowing that makes me feel worth something.

I'm sure there's more I could ramble about, but I'm going to end now. I just had a thought that I'm going to post the first chapter of my book on this blog. Let me know what you think of it. :)

Time for an update

Well, it's been three months since I've updated so I may as well get to it.

I don't even remember what I posted in the last blog and I'm not gonna go back and read it again so if I repeat myself, I apologize.

This has already been a fairly good year for me. Every year in my life has it's low points. I'm hoping that's the way most people are. I'm just choosing not to focus on them as much. Which I see as progress by the way.

I started the year with a good job...always a good thing. I work for Chrysler Financial. Chrysler moved all of their financial operations down to Roanoke, TX, to save on money and I was fortunate enough to be placed with them through a staffing agency in November of last year. We've kind of had to feel our way to doing things correctly, but we're slowly ironing out the kinks. I enjoy what I do. There's a lot of learning that goes into it. Unfortunately, they've started giving me the things that require some math. I'm not too fond of math. In fact, I hate math. Lucky for me, it's just simple adding and subtracting. I am basically an accountant that gets paid a entry level admin assitant's pay...which for the moment I don't have a problem with. It's just a place for me to be able to pay the bills at the moment.

I made a friend a work at the beginning of this year as well. He's an interesting character. I love him to death. He is an aspiring author. I love to read and I love to write. We talked about that a while back so he got into the habit of sending me any and all of the stuff he worked on so I could give him my opinion. He, in turn, asked me if I was writing anything since I seem to have a decent imagination. I told him I'd been messing around with a story I'd started telling my nephew about two and a half years ago when I was pregnant. He asked if he could read some of it.......and he fell in love with it. He told me he's my first bona fide fan and that he'd be upset if I didn't publish my story. I have always been told I have a talent for writing. I'm just now starting to take that particular compliment seriously. I've been writing this story for so long as a stress reliever. I never really intended to publish it because I never thought it was very good. Plus, it sounded like so many other books to me that I didn't want to just put another book out there that consisted of the same things rehashed and repackaged...but, my friend has perservered. He is not letting me get away with gently tucking it under a rug somewhere. He's connected like mad and is pushing for funding for me to get it edited and then sent to a publisher.

On top of my fantasy book, I got together with a girl from church and wrote out my adoption story. I wrote a very brief summary of what I wanted to say, but it conveyed my feelings and the message I wanted to get out rather nicely. I told my friend at work about it and he and his wife are excited for that to be published as well. We've run into a lot of hedges though. I was telling my friend about it and he made a way far out there suggestion that just might actually work. Within our work organization, there are smaller organizations for target groups. He's friends with someone that is part of the Women's Network at Chrysler. He wants me to talk to her and see if they'll maybe help me and this other girl pitch our idea for the book. He also started talking about speaking at different places and events. He thinks that my experience is such that I could have a good affect on a lot of people. He also thinks, for whatever reason, that there couldn't be anyone better suited than me to go around talking to girls about adoption simply because it's a topic that I'm so passionate about. We'll see I guess. I have a feeling that this year is going to be full of many big changes for me.

So that's my update for now. I'm trying to keep it fairly positive as the negative is starting to wear me down. There are so many things I'm looking forward to doing this year. I'll definitely post more if things go as planned. As it is, I'm exhausted. I have to work in the morning. Goodnight! :)

way overdue...

So it's officially December of 2008. Where has this year gone? I feel like yesterday was the beginning of the year!



It's been an eventful one, that's for sure. I now have three brothers gone from my parents house. One has been married for a while, one was married this year, and the other joined the marine corps. I know. Strange. It's definitely different and takes some getting used to.



Stephane got married to Meagan in August. That was quite the event. I was very excited to see my family. My mom's parents and my aunt came up from California for the wedding. I was not expecting the reaction I had to having my aunt there. She and I got along incredibly and having her there was a lifesaver. I don't do well at weddings and she was a great buffer for a lot of what I was dealing with.



Remi joined the marines. I have been hoping for a while that he would grow out of that phase, but it isn't a phase. I'm proud of him, don't get me wrong. I'm also very scared. He thinks he's going to be deployed soon and I'm less than enthusiastic about that. I know there are many men and women in the service that are deployed and in a war zone right now...it definitely hits home more when the war reaches your family. I miss my Remi very much. I'm excited about him coming home. It will be a very good day when he finally gets out of his training and has time to breathe and relax at home.



I moved back to my parents house in August, right after the wedding. I just wasn't making ends meet very well in Utah so I decided to move while my parents were in Utah with my dad's truck. I didn't want to have to make them come back up with gas prices being horrendous and the truck being a diesel. I miss my roommates a lot and the freedom I had being on my own, but I'm already feeling better. I love being with my family, even though they drive completely bazonkers on occasion. I finally got a job two weeks ago and I'm making enough that I can start paying back on my debts that I owe to my parents and my sister. I can also start putting money away to either get on my own or get the things I need without having to worry about breaking the bank.



Things weren't really all that great when I first moved home. I had some drama happen that tore me apart. It's not anything I can't overcome, but going through it was agony. I spent most nights and mornings curled up in my bed or on the floor of the shower just sobbing. I woke up several mornings as sore as possible just from the wracking sobs I was experiencing. That lasted for about two weeks before I started to get over it. There were plenty of times afterwards that I was completely miserable and let that misery rule me, but I'm doing better. I can't trust at all anymore, but I'm doing better. I seriously cannot bring myself to trust anyone right now. I even have doubts about my family having ulterior motives. That's really sad. One thing is for sure, I'm not taking a blind leap and trusting someone with my heart for a long time, if ever again. I just can't do it. I cannot have my heart broken like that again. It was like losing my daughter all over again...and no. That's not an exaggeration.



Speaking of my daughter, I did something I'm rather proud of. I have been going to the singles ward down here...that's not what I'm proud of though. I have a friend in the singles ward that did the same thing I did with her son. She got pregnant and put her son up for adoption. We got to talking about our experiences and I told her I was appalled at the lack of literature geared towards birth mothers. Most of the books available are for parents looking to adopt. I don't remember reading a book written by someone who knew what was going to happen. She agreed with me. She told me that she and some other girls are getting their stories together and they're going to try and publish them. It's going to be kind of a chicken soup book. She asked me if I'd like to contribute. I told her I would as I'd already started doing that with the thought that I'd one day have my mom and the adoptive mom write their experiences and publish a book that way. So I started writing. Usually, writing is not difficult for me. Stories flow from the pictures in my mind onto the screen without any difficulty. Not the case with this one. Understandably, I found myself more often than not incapable of writing. I also found myself remembering things I'd forgotten. Incidentally, it took me three months to complete an eleven page essay. That never happens...but it's done now. I sent it to my friend. She's going to shop it around to some publishers and we'll see where that takes us. I'm to the point with this that I don't mind telling people exactly what I've been through. My life's experiences, especially that one, can help people. So if they wanna know, I'm gonna tell them. So....if it doesn't get published and you want to read it, let me know.



Anyway. I've rambled enough I think. I'm going to go put up christmas decorations now. :)

Time for an update

Okay. It's been over a month since I've updated this thing. It's probably about time.

Not a lot has changed and that's probably why I haven't updated. I'm still living in Salt Lake and I still miss my family incredibly. I got to go home for my brothers graduation at the beginning of June which was incredibly awesome. It was weird for me to be there and hear his name called and see him walk across the stage. It made me feel really old actually.

The trip home was good for multiple reasons. I met Meagan which went much more smoothly than I expected. She and Ali and I spent a lot of time together. Ali is the maid of honor and therefore threw a bridal shower the day Remi graduated. Somehow, I ended up being in charge of most of it. I took care of the food and gave Ali little nudges when she lost her direction. Kind of stressful. It was fun though. Meagan and I also hung out on Monday just the two of us before I flew home. It was a thoroughly girly day. We went to the mall where I got some things for a friend of mine that is in Iraq at the moment at a Texas store there. I spent way more money than I should. But it was a lot of fun getting to know her a little better. It was a lot of fun getting a feel for her. She's a lot like my mom. Anyway. After the mall, we went and got our nails done. We talked while we were sitting there and over the course of the conversation, I was asked to be a bridesmaid. I've never been a bridesmaid which I'm totally okay with surprisingly.

So, on top of participating in the bridal shower at home, I'm now going to throw one here and invite the family that lives close. We'll see how that goes. I'm not exactly rolling in the dough so we'll see.

Being a bridesmaid is going to be a little more difficult than I thought too. I have to lose fifteen inches around my waist. That's right. Inches. Not pounds. I have until August 15th. Yeah. A month and a half. I don't have a problem with it. I can do it. I'm just slightly nervous about not being able to stick with it. Once again. We'll see.

I'm so completely exhausted lately. Emotionally I mean. I had a friend call me on Saturday night. My status on myspace and facebook has been slightly depressing lately and this was the first chance she'd had to talk to me. Usually she spends a lot of time talking about her issues so she promised she'd listen. I didn't even know where to begin. I don't tell people about a lot of things. I really don't. I bottle them and shove them where I don't have to deal with them and I work on the things I can handle. Consequently, I didn't know where to start. I started saying things and would get halfway through a sentence before not knowing how to continue. She kept saying, "Just let it out. Stop holding back." I didn't know how to describe what I was feeling. Unappreciated and taken for granted would probably be a good way to describe it now. I can't imagine how mothers feel all the time...but I started talking. I cried a little bit but not as much as I wanted to. There's some kind of healing power in tears. It's like they wash all the hurt out of my eyes and once I'm done crying, I can move on. I haven't been able to cry for a while. I cried a little but not as much as I thought I should I guess. Anyway. Talking to her didn't help as much as I wanted it to. I'm still stuck with the same feelings and no hope of resolving it anytime soon. Oh well. I'll survive I guess.

Talking about this brings up another concern that's been on my mind. My inability to cry has me very nervous. I'm a very emotional person most of the time. The fact that I haven't cried about some of the things I'm dealing with is worrying me. I don't know what's happening. I almost feel like I've thrown a wall around my heart and don't know how to feel anymore. I mean, I feel things, but not the way I used to. And I don't like it. I feel strange. Like I'm not myself. Like the person that I see in the mirror isn't really Kati. She's a shadow of who she used to be.

I will never be able to be who I was before. I've already accepted that...but there are things in my life I hadn't realized I'd given up. My ability to love unconditionally feels like it's been altered somehow.

I don't know. I guess that's what I'm thinking about at the moment. The only other thing I need to say is thank you for the real friends that stick with me through everything. They're the ones that see the heartache and instead of running from it, try and help. There are a few of those and they even cross oceans now. ;) I have a very good friend in England whose friendship is one I'm growing to depend on. Anyway. I gotta get back to work. Have a good day! :)