Time for an update

Okay. It's been over a month since I've updated this thing. It's probably about time.

Not a lot has changed and that's probably why I haven't updated. I'm still living in Salt Lake and I still miss my family incredibly. I got to go home for my brothers graduation at the beginning of June which was incredibly awesome. It was weird for me to be there and hear his name called and see him walk across the stage. It made me feel really old actually.

The trip home was good for multiple reasons. I met Meagan which went much more smoothly than I expected. She and Ali and I spent a lot of time together. Ali is the maid of honor and therefore threw a bridal shower the day Remi graduated. Somehow, I ended up being in charge of most of it. I took care of the food and gave Ali little nudges when she lost her direction. Kind of stressful. It was fun though. Meagan and I also hung out on Monday just the two of us before I flew home. It was a thoroughly girly day. We went to the mall where I got some things for a friend of mine that is in Iraq at the moment at a Texas store there. I spent way more money than I should. But it was a lot of fun getting to know her a little better. It was a lot of fun getting a feel for her. She's a lot like my mom. Anyway. After the mall, we went and got our nails done. We talked while we were sitting there and over the course of the conversation, I was asked to be a bridesmaid. I've never been a bridesmaid which I'm totally okay with surprisingly.

So, on top of participating in the bridal shower at home, I'm now going to throw one here and invite the family that lives close. We'll see how that goes. I'm not exactly rolling in the dough so we'll see.

Being a bridesmaid is going to be a little more difficult than I thought too. I have to lose fifteen inches around my waist. That's right. Inches. Not pounds. I have until August 15th. Yeah. A month and a half. I don't have a problem with it. I can do it. I'm just slightly nervous about not being able to stick with it. Once again. We'll see.

I'm so completely exhausted lately. Emotionally I mean. I had a friend call me on Saturday night. My status on myspace and facebook has been slightly depressing lately and this was the first chance she'd had to talk to me. Usually she spends a lot of time talking about her issues so she promised she'd listen. I didn't even know where to begin. I don't tell people about a lot of things. I really don't. I bottle them and shove them where I don't have to deal with them and I work on the things I can handle. Consequently, I didn't know where to start. I started saying things and would get halfway through a sentence before not knowing how to continue. She kept saying, "Just let it out. Stop holding back." I didn't know how to describe what I was feeling. Unappreciated and taken for granted would probably be a good way to describe it now. I can't imagine how mothers feel all the time...but I started talking. I cried a little bit but not as much as I wanted to. There's some kind of healing power in tears. It's like they wash all the hurt out of my eyes and once I'm done crying, I can move on. I haven't been able to cry for a while. I cried a little but not as much as I thought I should I guess. Anyway. Talking to her didn't help as much as I wanted it to. I'm still stuck with the same feelings and no hope of resolving it anytime soon. Oh well. I'll survive I guess.

Talking about this brings up another concern that's been on my mind. My inability to cry has me very nervous. I'm a very emotional person most of the time. The fact that I haven't cried about some of the things I'm dealing with is worrying me. I don't know what's happening. I almost feel like I've thrown a wall around my heart and don't know how to feel anymore. I mean, I feel things, but not the way I used to. And I don't like it. I feel strange. Like I'm not myself. Like the person that I see in the mirror isn't really Kati. She's a shadow of who she used to be.

I will never be able to be who I was before. I've already accepted that...but there are things in my life I hadn't realized I'd given up. My ability to love unconditionally feels like it's been altered somehow.

I don't know. I guess that's what I'm thinking about at the moment. The only other thing I need to say is thank you for the real friends that stick with me through everything. They're the ones that see the heartache and instead of running from it, try and help. There are a few of those and they even cross oceans now. ;) I have a very good friend in England whose friendship is one I'm growing to depend on. Anyway. I gotta get back to work. Have a good day! :)

Slightly frustrated

You know, life gets really tiring really fast. It's just stupid. That's about all I can think of to sum it up. It's just dumb.

So I posted about Stephane getting married last time. Apparently, I need to censor myself now.

I write to get out my own feelings. I don't write for anyone else. I write for my own well being. If I didn't have the ability I do with words and a way to articulate what I'm thinking and feeling, I'd go stir crazy. That is what this blog is for. I don't care who reads it. I don't care how they take things. I know what I intend and what I mean. I don't think I need to stop expressing myself that way. It is a free country, right? I don't understand why some people think they need to assume that they know what I'm saying without asking when it's unclear. I know I'm going to get in trouble for this but this is something I need to say.

The reason I have issue with Stephane getting married has really very little to do with him. Anyone that reads this should know by now that I placed my daughter up for adoption two years ago in September. When any of my siblings get married, I'm going to have an issue with it simply because it makes me focus on everything that I have failed at. My siblings have not come close to making the mistakes I've made. It makes me feel very much like an outsider in my family. I feel like a black sheep in a sea of white wool. It hurts. At my cousins wedding last year, I had the same problem. All I wanted to do was run away instead of hitting that heartache head on at sixty miles an hour. So by saying what I did, I was merely saying that I'm nervous for myself. Not for Stephane and Meagan.

I don't know Meagan. I am not the type of person to judge someone I don't know. I'm not the type of person to stick my nose in a situation that I have no business being in much less think my opinion on this particular matter with this particular brother would mean a whole lot. I am truly happy for Stephane and Meagan. Finding someone to spend eternity with is a blessing that I'm incredibly terrified I won't be able to receive.

So, that being said, I'm going to apologize. I talked to Stephane the other day and explained why I said what I did and I will talk to Meagan when I go home next week. However, I guess I need to apologize to anyone reading this. I'm sorry that I come across as more judgemental and intolerant than I really am. That was not my intention at all and I hope you will forgive me. The purpose of this post is also not to get upset. Yes, I'm frustrated...but I'm trying to help people understand me...which is difficult cause more often than not, I don't understand me. I'm not a malicious person. I'm not going to pass judgement on anything. That much is obvious when you look at why I was with Josh Eckenrode to begin with. I'm sorry I made you think that I was objecting to Stephane marrying Meagan. I'm completely happy for them. I'm excited for them to be able to start this new journey together. I hope they will be happy and I wish them nothing but the best. Please understand that my issues about marriage have nothing to do with anyone getting married. I have a daughter. She will always be brought to the forefront when I attend weddings. The absence of a husband in that situation will always be something that haunts me. For the rest of my life. There is no getting around that.

So, please forgive me. I'm completely open to questions and comments. If you have concerns, ask me. I don't bite. :)

Way too long...

So, It's been two and a half months since my last post. Long time for me. Life's been interesting.

I'm still in Salt Lake though for how much longer is unclear at the moment. I asked for a raise about two weeks ago because my supervisor quit and I now have to help manage a three person job as one of two people. I don't mind it. I love working in Purchasing with Mike. It's a little awkward at times because he's had a crush on me for a while but it's not too bad. It's getting to be almost like brother and sister now. We tease each other and play fight all the time. We make a good team though. All of the work gets done when we're both focused on trying to get it done by a set time. Our usual goal is to be able to open both front doors...which is kinda pointless since it gets filled up again the next morning and we just have to go right back and start all over again.

I am pretty content living in Utah. For the most part. Things are going well. The seasons are changing and that's always a plus for me. I love the smells and sounds of spring and summer. For the past week, everyday after I get out of work, I'll get in my car and roll the window down and just drive around the valley. It's been kind of an essential part of my day as I'm having difficulty playing piano and I need some form of relaxation after work. I don't really have a reliable computer so I just drive around the Salt Lake valley after work for about an hour. It's the best kind of therapy I have right now.

So, Stephane is getting married. I'm not going to say too much about it simply because I don't want to give the wrong impression or come across in a way that I'm not intending. I love my brother. I'm happy for him. I truly am. I haven't met Megan but my family raves about her. I have friends in Provo that grew up with her. I don't want anyone thinking that I am not happy for Stephane so I'm just going to leave that there. Our relationship is still not the best, which I am at a loss to explain, but he is my brother and I love him. It'll be interesting getting used to another brother being married and eventually having kids. That's just a strange thought in and of itself.

It was kinda funny. About two weeks ago, I called my parents house after work to talk to my mom like I normally do and Remi was in the same room with her. She put me on speaker phone and Remi promptly told mom to tell me something. She responded that he should just tell me himself. So after some coaxing, I was informed that my diet and workout routine was no longer under my control if I decided to move home. Remi said that he will become my personal trainer if I move home to the point where every piece of food that goes past my lips has to be approved by him. He said he's going to get me up in the morning every morning to go running with our dogs and then after that, he's going to sit with me and read scriptures. Of all of my siblings, my relationship with him is the closest. It's interesting how that happened. We used to be at each others throats all the time. We were just so much alike. Now, I call him when I need advice for anything if I can't get a hold of my dad. I wish I could call Stephane like that but I know what both he and Mike would say so I'll just stick with Remi at this point. It's amazing how much insight that kid has into my heart and the way things work. He always knows exactly what to say and what I need to hear, even if I don't bring it up first. He's always quick to point out too that it's not coming from him. He's is a giant and he's only eighteen. I sure do love him. He just makes me miss my family an awful lot.

Speaking of family, I had the best conversation with my dad last week. I was sitting at the piano in my house and trying not to cry because a lot of issues going on in my life and I got a phone call. It was the Indiana Jones theme song ringtone that I thought I had only assigned to one of my roommates. So I ran to pick it up and it said Dad Cell. He said that he just felt like he needed to call me because he'd felt like his Katiuh had been needing him for the past week. I just broke down in tears. He asked how I was doing and if everything was okay and I told him no. I didn't give him extreme details but I told him that I was not anywhere near okay. I have so many things going on that I am having the hardest time handling and being so far from my family is one of the biggest trials right now. He asked what he could do to help and I told him I didn't know. A lot of my problems are things I'm not very proud of. He told me that he and mom would do anything they could to help me and that he wanted me to think about what they could do. My first thought was to ask if I could go home. I didn't ask that but told him I would think about it and let him know.

This weekend is girls weekend and I'm so excited about it. My friend Sarah Lockwood is coming up to Salt Lake and we are just gonna hang out until late tomorrow I hope. Shopping, movies, story-time, and random pictures are gonna be awesome.

Anyway. I'm at work and was accused of spending too much time for personal internet time so I better go.

It's been a month...time to update

So it's March 7th. It is Remi's birthday. He is eighteen. That is sooooo weird for me. Remi was kind of my baby so it's just a strange feeling. He has a picture posted on his myspace page of him when he was really little. He was too short to reach the keys on our piano but he was trying nonetheless. He is at the lower end just playing away with a huge grin on his face. It's kind of a big shock to me that he's eighteen now. I know he's not my baby but.....it sure felt like it. He's kind of like a twin........sort of. In a weird way. It's hard to explain.

Life continues pretty normally in Salt Lake. I spend a lot of time by myself at home. I go to work and come home and that's about it. Not that I have too big a problem with that but it gets old after a while. I feel very......stuck in limbo so to speak. I'm here and living life but not really living it. Things are just...I feel like a stick in the mud. Let's put it that way.

Work is going well. I will be hired full time next Thursday. That's the plan anyway. I'm a temp to hire right now but made such a name for myself by doing the boring stuff that they decided to keep me. :) They were actually fighting over who would get me permanently for a while. I think, with Teresa being so pushy, I'm going to shipping. At least for a little while. Teresa is the lady in charge of purchasing and she's kind of the crotchety old lady type. She pushes for things and usually gets them. She is trying to set me up with the guy that is her assistant and I'm totally not attracted to him. He's a nice guy but not my type. Anyway. I think that she is trying to push to get me to be part of shipping and receiving full time since they are in dire need of an assistant. Our company was just bought by LabCorp so a lot of procedures have changed. I tend to be very willing to do whatever is asked of me so I am a hot commodity for a lot of people apparently. The main thing that I'm worried about is the raise I'm supposed to be getting. That combined with my tax refund, whenever I get around to filing my taxes, will make me so much happier with my situation.

I miss my family more every day. I know I say that a lot but living without them is not something I like doing. Maybe it's living too far to be a part of the things they get to do that I don't like. I don't know. I think that I have a really bad attitude about my situation right now and it's affecting everything I do. I hate going out because I have a very prejudiced view of the people around me. It's really dumb.

Well, that's me at the moment. If anything exciting happens, I'll keep ya posted.

I'm so tired of the snow....

Now is the point where all the snow gets brown and crusty and black and it's just gross. Of course most of it's been like that for quite some time now but I'm noticing it more right now. Snow is a wonderful thing. It's such a cool toy from Heavenly Father! :) It's a lot of fun to get in snowball fights with your friends and then, when all the mischief is finished, turn around and go inside warm up in front of the fire or in my case the portable heater in my room and just chill with friends. :) I haven't had much opportunity to be a kid as much as I'd like to have this winter but I'm okay with that. Sometimes I have to be an adult. Unfortunately, I've had to be an adult for a while now and being a kid is not something I'm encouraged to do at my house.

Life is going fairly well at the moment. I'm happier right now than I've been for about two and a half weeks. I met a guy that was incredibly anti-mormon and he created a lot of confusion in my mind. He thinks it's his mission basically to "save" mormons and I kind of followed right along for a little while. He had a lot of convincing arguments that totally threw me for a loop and made me very confused. I have had a hard time with church for a while now but I thought I was okay. I went to church by myself and for myself for the first time the Sunday before I met this guy. Then he chimes in with all of his anti literature and media and it was very convincing. Especially since I've been questioning a lot of the things he provided "proof" for. I'm doing better though.

I watched the broadcast of the funeral for President Hinckley and I maintained my composure until President Monson got up to speak. Then when he was finished and the choir sang, somebody broke the water main behind my eyes. I had some really strong feelings during that ten to fifteen minute span of time and everything just kind of calmed down. I felt more at piece and happy than I have in a while.

I still miss my family immensely. Being here in Salt Lake is not as easy as I thought it would be. I really took for granted the fact that I could live at home and not pay rent or have to buy food. I can't buy food here either though because my roommates eat it or throw it out but that's beside the point...sort of. I'm to a point where I just need to figure out where I want to go with my life and go from there. I keep thinking I might want to go to college and I've submitted my application to the "U" but I'm still dragging my feet. I don't know if it's just lack of motivation or what. Maybe I'm just super super lazy and I don't want to do it. I don't know. I wish I could figure out how things work.

I have a new goal. I'm going to lose fifty pounds before I go home in June for my little brothers graduation! :) ......at least, I'm gonna try. I seem to remember a similar goal last year that died about a week after I set it. We'll see I guess. ;)

Just another update

So I'm realizing that I probably shouldn't have written that post on the tenth. Not that I have a problem with people reading it, I just don't think that most people would want to know about that. I know what Mike would tell me....I need to put it behind me and never think about it again. Here's why I have a problem with that:

What happened in my life in the past two or three years is not something I can just sweep under the rug. Having a child, married or not, changes the aspects of your life and the things that you focus on. I wrote about it because, even if it doesn't help me right now to talk about things, looking back on it later will. Having a journal or some record to look back on these things is a big deal for me. I almost wish I'd made a copy of the journal I gave to my daughter's adoptive parents so i could look back on how things are now as opposed to when I was right in the middle of everything.

I didn't mean to offend or startle anyone. I guess my purpose in writing that was to maybe illustrate the way I think a little. I know that didn't make anything more clear to anyone but it's all I have. I don't know how to explain me. I never have. I wouldn't even know where to begin to start.......but I like me. I like what I've accomplished. I know I still have a long way to go but who doesn't? I'm working on it as much as I can but it's not something that can change over night despite what some people think. We're talking about YEARS of thinking a certain way and being told that it's wrong and you need to change it. That's not an easy thing to do.

Anyway. That's my spouting off for the day. I'm sorry if I offended anyone by the post on the 10th. It was unintentional.

..........

So I went to visit my brother yesterday. He and his wife just had two more babies making their grand total now six. I must say my new nephews are absolutely adorable. It's difficult not to be adorable with their parents being who they are. The twins have very distinct personalities already too and they're only a month old. The way I see it, one of them is very mellow and relaxed as long as he isn't poopy, wet, or hungry. The other one seems to need to be aware of everything that's going on around him. He seems to want to be with everyone else like he's eager to learn as much as he can about whats happening. They're still smaller than my daughter was when she was born! Which is good because Shaunae was carrying twelve pounds of baby as it was!

I realized something as I was driving down to visit my brother and his family. I don't think I let them know nearly enough how much I love them. I almost started crying as soon as I walked in the house because I was so relieved that I could go there and just play with my family. Even though they aren't family by blood or even legally family, Mike is still my brother and Shaunae is still my sister-in-law and those kids are still my niece and nephews. I was so happy when I walked in that my little niece was excited to see me. Sometimes she's not so happy when I walk in. But yesterday she yelled my name and jumped at me demanding a hug. That almost brought me to tears too. My oldest nephew did the same thing. He saw that I was there, did a double take, and gave me the biggest hug he could manage. The whole time, I felt like my heart was just going to burst. I don't know why I've become such a blubbering idiot recently but my love for that family was really overwhelming.

Mike is incredible and I'm so lucky he's part of my family. He has done so many incredible things for me. He is always willing to give me a blessing any time I need it and I've needed it a few times. He's very accepting of everything I've been through. His only qualms with anything I do is when I bring pictures of my daughter to his house. He thinks like my dad and believes I should just drop it where it is and never bring them out again. I'm not as trapped in that past as he thinks I am. I go through most of my days without thinking about my daughter though this blog would probably testify otherwise. I know she's where she needs to be and I'm glad that she's happy. I just like showing her off. It's all that I have. Maybe I shouldn't. I don't know. Opinions are welcome if you wish to give them.

On a side note, yesterday was a wonderful day for me. I'm betting that next Sunday will be even better. I finally stayed for all three hours of church because I wanted to and not because someone was twisting my arm to stay. I conducted the sacrament meeting music which was a lot of fun. It's been a while since I've done that and I was soooooo nervous...but I pulled it off with a reasonably fair performance! ;) I will probably also end up playing the piano for the branch choir which has me a little nervous. I'm much more confident in my abilities but I'm still very self conscious and aware of my short comings. I'm also going to plan a trip to the Salt Lake Temple to do baptisms if anyone wants to join me...and my branch president wants me to think about going through the temple. Not sure if I really wanna go there yet but we'll see.

My application is in for the U. I'm so much happier than I've been in a long time. Life is genuinely good.......and I can see it! What's more.......I absolutely love it. I will try and be more positive as time goes by. Negative is wearing on everyone and I'm sorry.