Slightly frustrated

You know, life gets really tiring really fast. It's just stupid. That's about all I can think of to sum it up. It's just dumb.

So I posted about Stephane getting married last time. Apparently, I need to censor myself now.

I write to get out my own feelings. I don't write for anyone else. I write for my own well being. If I didn't have the ability I do with words and a way to articulate what I'm thinking and feeling, I'd go stir crazy. That is what this blog is for. I don't care who reads it. I don't care how they take things. I know what I intend and what I mean. I don't think I need to stop expressing myself that way. It is a free country, right? I don't understand why some people think they need to assume that they know what I'm saying without asking when it's unclear. I know I'm going to get in trouble for this but this is something I need to say.

The reason I have issue with Stephane getting married has really very little to do with him. Anyone that reads this should know by now that I placed my daughter up for adoption two years ago in September. When any of my siblings get married, I'm going to have an issue with it simply because it makes me focus on everything that I have failed at. My siblings have not come close to making the mistakes I've made. It makes me feel very much like an outsider in my family. I feel like a black sheep in a sea of white wool. It hurts. At my cousins wedding last year, I had the same problem. All I wanted to do was run away instead of hitting that heartache head on at sixty miles an hour. So by saying what I did, I was merely saying that I'm nervous for myself. Not for Stephane and Meagan.

I don't know Meagan. I am not the type of person to judge someone I don't know. I'm not the type of person to stick my nose in a situation that I have no business being in much less think my opinion on this particular matter with this particular brother would mean a whole lot. I am truly happy for Stephane and Meagan. Finding someone to spend eternity with is a blessing that I'm incredibly terrified I won't be able to receive.

So, that being said, I'm going to apologize. I talked to Stephane the other day and explained why I said what I did and I will talk to Meagan when I go home next week. However, I guess I need to apologize to anyone reading this. I'm sorry that I come across as more judgemental and intolerant than I really am. That was not my intention at all and I hope you will forgive me. The purpose of this post is also not to get upset. Yes, I'm frustrated...but I'm trying to help people understand me...which is difficult cause more often than not, I don't understand me. I'm not a malicious person. I'm not going to pass judgement on anything. That much is obvious when you look at why I was with Josh Eckenrode to begin with. I'm sorry I made you think that I was objecting to Stephane marrying Meagan. I'm completely happy for them. I'm excited for them to be able to start this new journey together. I hope they will be happy and I wish them nothing but the best. Please understand that my issues about marriage have nothing to do with anyone getting married. I have a daughter. She will always be brought to the forefront when I attend weddings. The absence of a husband in that situation will always be something that haunts me. For the rest of my life. There is no getting around that.

So, please forgive me. I'm completely open to questions and comments. If you have concerns, ask me. I don't bite. :)