So long 2009...

It's really kind of interesting to look at a year in retrospect and see things happen from this side. I started 2009 very optomistically. This year, I was going to learn and grow in ways I hadn't yet. I had every intention of stretching myself beyond my limit and truly finding who I am. I think I've succeeded for the most part. Here's a list of what I feel I accomplished:

1. I have grown closer to my Heavenly Father in a way I didn't think was possible for a long time. My understanding of Him and the things He wants for me has increased. With that came an increased ability to see His hand in my life. I spent a lot of time looking at things occuring in my life from the outside and was blessed with an understanding of many things.

2. I have shed much of my former self. I have outgrown my insecurities and can take care of myself now. I'm more quick to stand up for myself and I am recognizing and avoiding situations that would otherwise harm me. The woman that is emerging underneath the dirt and grime is a much more beautiful person than I originally thought and it's exciting.

3. I have made many new friends just as much as I have lost many old ones. My ability to cope with that change has increased. I still have difficulty with the idea of losing people I care about, but my turn around time has become so much better.

These are just things I can see. I'm sure there are other things I've accomplishied this year, but those are the ones that come to mind most readily. This is what I want to accomplish for 2010:

1. I would like to be more confident where relationships with the opposite sex are concerned. Part of that will come with improving my physical image, but I will forever be shocked when a man is interested in me. Especially when that man is as good as some of them are.

2. I would like to finally finish Hope and Ashes. There's so much editing still to do, but I'm confident I can get through it. Maybe then I'll be able to stop working and go to school and write for a living.

3. I would like to find love. Even if it doesn't last the way I want it to, I want to find someone who not only doesn't care about my past, but encourages me to be and think and do better. That's more of a wish than an actual desire. That's like me saying, "Ok, Lord. I'm going to trust your timing, but it would be really nice if you would send some form of prince charming my way." Or, "Lord, you've sent him to me, but he's not really getting it. Could you, ya know, strike him with lightening or something? Give him an epiphany and help him understand what's happening?" Silly, but that's me.

I'm excited to say goodbye to another year. It's been an eventful one for me and I'm excited for the new year. Things are going to get better and I just can't wait for it. God's blessed me with so much, I cannot wait to see what He has in store for me in 2010. Hopefully, everyone is as fortunate. This is what I imagine a letter to Him from me would say right now:

Dear God,
The things you've done for me this year have been incredible. I can't thank you enough for showing me what you have. I know I'm truly blessed and I'm so grateful for the lessons I've learned. Thank you for loving me when it felt like no one else would. I need to ask for a special blessing. You know what's in my heart and you know what I would like, but it would make me feel better to at least type it if not say it out loud. There's been so much hurt this year. Please heal just a little bit of it. Hearts and lives have been shattered and dreams have died. People's paths have changed. Help them to recover and find the way. Help them to discover what it means to live and love again. Don't let them fall into a hole. If you need me to, I'm willing to do whatever you need me too to help those that I can. I understand that you had me go through what I did so that I would be in a position to help others through what they have to go through. Please point me in the direction I'm needed the most and help me know what to say and do. We are all in so much need of you these days. Please let me help. Please let me be what you need me to be and help me put smiles on the faces of those whose hearts are weighed down and shattered. Help me help them find the pieces and some super glue so we can all be blessed with more smiles and love.

Love always,
Kati

Happy New Year

Life is good...

The title of this post pretty much says it all. I'm so excited for the holidays. The season has invaded my heart. I love Christmas. I love the traditions we have as a family and I love the general feeling of love the world has for each other. There is so much goodness in people and I'm glad that at least once a year, we can put aside our differences and just be. I wish we could have it be all year long, but human nature dictates that that is not necessarily impossible, but highly unlikely. Nevertheless, the facts don't change my love of Christmas.



Things in my life have been pluggin along at a good pace. I'm working at DynCorp again and it's soooo much better than three years ago. I love where I work and who I work with and that makes all the difference. There are quite a few wonderful people on my team that I just adore. There's always the people who like to make life difficult, but I'm handling things quite well. I like what I do. I'm the official Terminator. Hahaha People ask what I do and before I have a chance to say anything my coworkers speak up and tell them I'm a Terminator. The looks I get are pretty dang funny.



My personal life is going better. I'm figuring out how to make and keep myself happy and it's exhilirating. I am relying more and more on myself. The desperate need for approval from other people isn't as important as it used to be. I am learning to be happy with me and that's enough.



Remi is moving home apparently. He is anticipating either being sent to Afghanistan with DynCorp or going active duty in the Marine Corps. He's moving home in anticipation of leaving his stuff here. He was supposed to move home two days ago, but apparently we're bickering...which is news to me. He should be home in the next few days though. He and mom have apparently formulated a plan that I have no choice in. He told me that the days he's not running, we will be going walking. My battle with my weight, which isn't really a battle so much as me continually saying I'm going to war with it and then doing nothing, is driving him insane. He has been wanting to get me to go with him for a while and I just keep refusing. I'm going to try and start a competition with one of the guys at work though so I'm hoping Remi will give me more help. I would like to learn how to fight actually. I don't even know how to defend myself and my track record with creepers is such that it would probably be a smart thing.

One of these days, I will learn how to control my heart instead of allowing it to control me. I keep having to go through this particular lesson and it's still not sinking in. I can't even really say I'm getting better at control because I'm not. When I find something to love, I love hard. The consequence is I fall flat on my face and my face connects with the floor and breaks my nose. The break is intense and by now my nose is so crooked and screwed up it's a wonder anyone recognizes me. Maybe this was Heavenly Father's way of giving me a cheap nose job... Either way, you'd think by now I'd have learned my lesson. Not so much.

I'm the type of person that has a big enough heart to love everyone. Literally. I love my family. I love my friends. I love random people I meet on the street. I can't help it. I don't want to think badly of people. I will more readily think poorly of myself before I think poorly of someone else. I will go so far as to make excuses for bad behavior and abuse that's leveled at me. It's a blessing and a curse. People feel comfortable around me and are more ready to be friendly because I love so easily. It's a curse when I let my heart get in the way of my common sense and the falling happens. If there's no one there to catch me, and so far there hasn't been, the floor rushes up at me really really fast. The reaction time is getting quicker and I'm starting to actually get my hands up to nearly catch myself and keep myself from hitting the ground, but I'm just not quick enough yet.


So this post started with Life is good...and it is. :) I'm ok. Things don't always go the way I'd like them to, but they could go a lot worse. I've made many new friends this year and learned a lot of things. Christmas is still in my heart and I will keep it that way...at least I'll try to. I hope next year has fewer connections with my old friend...the floor. :) I'm just gonna take it one day at a time and go from there.

Awesome song

This is the kind of love I want... Listening to it, I can see my wedding reception. I know that sounds so beyond crazy, but I'm not exaggerating. I've been listening to it for an hour because I don't want to stop seeing it. I can see me in his arms, dancing and crying and so blissfully happy. I can already sort of feel that in my heart. It's made my day kind of interesting to say the least. When I find a way, I'll embed a recording to this post.

Lost in This Moment-Big & Rich

I see your momma, and the candles and tears and roses
I see your daddy walk his daughter down the isle
Now my knees start to tremble as I tell the preacher
Don't she look beautiful tonight

All the wonderful words in my head I've been thinking
You know I want to say ‘em all just right
I lift your vale, and angles start singing
Such a heavenly sight

Chorus

Lost in this moment with you
I am completely consumed
My feelings so absolute, there's no doubt
Sealing our love with a kiss
Waitin' my whole life for this
Watching all my dreams come true
Lost in this moment with you

I smell the jasmine floating in the air like a love song
Watch my words draw sweet tears from your eyes
Bow our heads while the preacher talks to Jesus
Please bless this brand new life

Chorus
Lost in this moment with you
I am completely consumed
My feelings so absolute, there's no doubt
Sealing our love with a kiss
Waitin' my whole life for this
Watching all my dreams come true
Lost in this moment with you

Chorus
Lost in this moment with you
I am completely consumed
My feelings so absolute, there's no doubt
Sealing our love with a kiss
Waitin' my whole life for this
Watching all my dreams come true
Lost in this moment with you

Lost in the moment, (in the moment) in this moment with you
Lost in the moment, yeah

Lost in the moment, (in the moment in this moment with you
Lost in the moment

It's time

I haven't written in a while so I figured it's about time for me to update. I'm not sure how to describe the way I feel lately. I'm in a constant state of up and down. Some days are incredible, and others are not. I know that's normal, but that doesn't comfort me. I don't like being so emotionally unstable...because that's what it is. I don't know enough about myself to know how to keep things steady.

Sometimes, I really wish that trials were a one shot deal. At least, the hardest ones anyway. I just want to be able to say I'm not worried about what tomorrow or the next day will bring. I know I'm not really ever going to be able to do that because that's the nature of this existence...but it would sure help me sleep better. I'm so very tired. I keep feeling pieces of me falling away and I can't grab all of them. I'm shedding much of what I've felt has made me who I am. The woman I'm finding underneath is a shocking contrast to who I thought was there. I don't even really know if I can describe the thoughts that are spinning through my head accurately.

Today, I was sitting at my desk at work and thinking about the things that have been weighing on my heart and I felt an incredible urge to cry. I don't deal with pressure in my personal life very well. I was sort of listening to my ipod when I got an answer to an unspoken question. Listening to the lyrics was like shafts of light breaking through the thickest cloud that was smothering my heart. I don't even know if that's how to describe it, but there it is.

My life has been fairly busy lately and is going to get much more busy in the next few weeks. I decided that I'd like to throw a Masquerade Ball around Christmas. Right now, the prospects aren't looking to good. Not many people seem all that interested and I'm getting a little discouraged. Knowing my luck, by the time it's all said and done, I'll have more work to do with this thing than I know what to do with.

Remi was hired at DynCorp and is shipping out to Afghanistan in a week and a half. Stephane told me he was hired and my heart dropped. I don't want him to go. I'm terrified of him going over there even though I know that's a really irrational fear. That's my Remi. I don't want him to go.

My birthday is in two days...and I'm ()<----this thrilled. I'm excited to go to Six Flags the day after, but my birthday has been steadily becoming more and more of a depressing day for me. I just don't want to deal with it. It's easy to ignore, most of my family forgets. So I'm hoping that's what happens. I don't want a big deal made out of this.

It's weird that my own birthday is a more depressing day than my daughter's is. She turned three over a month ago. I took the day off and spent it doing some retail therapy with one of my friends. It didn't really bother me though. Even when I wasn't trying to distract myself, I didn't have a problem. Which is a good thing I suppose. The adoptive mom sent me a really cool gift with this package. She sends me gifts with every letter almost. This time she sent me a book and a dvd. The dvd is a home video of Liza singing and dancing and being Liza. Let me tell you, she's a goof. Her voice is deep but apparently not as deep as mine was and has always been, and she's so exuberant. I was tired by the end of the dang thing just from watching her bounce around. She's adorable though. Rambunctious and full of mischief, but adorable.

Last month, President Uchtdorf came to a regional YSA conference down here. They invited anyone within a five hour driving distance. We were in MAJOR violation of the fire code, but it was an incredible experience. When he walked in the room, we started singing "We Thank Thee, O God, for a Prophet." I didn't get past the opening phrase. As soon as I saw him, I was so filled with the spirit that I literally couldn't say anything. I got a stupid grin on my face and just started crying. Ali looked at me and hugged me, which only served to make me cry harder.

His wife spoke first. She's hilarious!! Her accent reminds me of my own grandmother even though she really doesn't struggle anymore. Her comments were focused on getting us to start dating and out of the "hanging out phase" and every comment was punctuated with her German personality. So cute!

President Uchtdorf spoke on many things. He talked about what Sister Uchtdorf had talked about, and elaborated on his own topics. Really the only thing I remember was what he said about forgiveness. He said, "Heavenly Father forgives you, and then forgets about it. He doesn't keep beating it over your head. The only thing holding most of us back, is the inability to forgive ourselves. So, forgive. Forgive yourself." That hit my heart so hard. I say over and over again that I've moved past my mistakes, but every now and then, I focus on it again, and I know I haven't really forgiven myself. I know Heavenly Father has. I received a blessing from my brothers a few years ago and was told that I was forgiven. My own inability to forgive myself is the only thing keeping me from moving forward.

So there's the update. Random and scattered I know...but then again, I don't have to be organized. That's Ali's department. ;)

Oh brother...

Ok. I'm horrible at writing in this or any other journal. I generally have so much going on and I'm doing my best not to get sucked in by any electronics. I've wasted plenty of time on the computer and video game consoles, and I know that I'm not the particularly strong type that can keep from getting sucked in, so I avoid them altogether. Which I don't think is necessarily a bad thing...but there are things I need to go over and update on. I'm not exactly sure if anyone even pays attention to my blog still, but writing is therapuetic for me either way.

This year has been interesting. It's had quite a few good things along with the bad. I think a lot of it has been my choice to be the best person I can be. It helps that I've got my sister around me literally all the time now and some awesome friends that are very supportive and willing to be there for me no matter what stupid problem I'm trying to fix.

I am now working another new job...and it's one I wasn't particularly keen on taking. As everyone in the world knows, Chrysler is falling...fast. I was hired there as a temp. By law, an employer cannot retain a temp any longer than one year. At that point, they have to either hire them or terminate them. Because of benefits, it's cheaper for Chrysler to employ the core of their Operations Department as temps. We found out about a month, maybe a month and a half ago that they had no plans to hire any of us full time. Money is tight for me as it is. I was getting paid to do an accountants work at an entry level admins pay grade. Not the most pleasant thing in the world. In swoops Ali the Amazing to the rescue! She still works for DynCorp in the IT area. The helpdesk at DynCorp was looking for help and she told them I'd do it. They fought tooth and nail and hell and highwater to get me this job as quickly as they did. I wasn't working for a week, but I'm pretty solid now. I never thought I'd be working for DynCorp again, but I already like this environment much more than the one I was in before. It's so much more friendly. It is working with the Helpdesk meaning that I will probably eventually have to help answering phones, but that doesn't really scare me. I'm currently just processing terminations. Their goal is to turn all of the terms over to me so the other teams can get other work done. So I'm learning to do all of the different systems. I'm excited to see how this experience differs from my last one.

I submitted my query letter and synopsis to Writers House in New York. They are the publishing agents whose clientele includes Stephen Hawking, Christopher Paolini-Eragon, Stephanie Meyer-Twilight, Nora Roberts, Brandon Mull-Fablehaven, among others. They take six to eight weeks to reply so I'm patiently waiting. I've been editing and tying things together better in the meantime, trying to make it uniquely my own and to make it make more sense. I'd like reader feedback as well, so if you're reading this and you want to read my book, let me know and I'll see what I can do about getting you a copy.

As far as my emotional health goes, I'm doing fairly well. Most of the time I don't have issues with sadness like I used too. I've been really angry lately though and I can't explain why. I get enough sleep for three of me. Guess it's time to learn to control the red head in me and find my balance.

We're getting close to September. I'd like to be able to disappear for the first Thursday, Friday, Saturday, and Sunday of September, but I'm not sure I should. It's been surprisingly more emotional this year than in previous years. This whole week I've been on the verge of tears. I'm trying not to let myself be such a whanie, but it's difficult. My memory isn't malfunctioning like I wish it sometimes would, so I'm assaulted at the most random times. Yesterday it was a song I was listening too that set off a trigger that for whatever reason forced me to relive the tearing feeling I experienced in the hospital three years ago. That's not an exaggeration. I was sitting at my desk at work and was bent over taking deep breaths trying to hold myself together because it hurt so much...but, and everyone that knows me will know how big this is, I immediately asked for help. I started praying and asked Heavenly Father to simply help me not to focus on the hurt. I didn't mind if He didn't want me to stop feeling it, but I asked Him if He'd allow it to lessen. I felt His arms envelope me and His hand on my head, helping to stave off the hurt. I knew He would never leave me to suffer through that again on my own.

It's interesting to me to see how that relationship has grown. I actually believe that He cares now where I used to think He'd left me to myself. More often than not, I feel like the black sheep in my family. I'm the one that always has to do things the hard way. I don't like following rules, and I like to do my own thing. I love being around my family, but sometimes, they are what make me more angry than anything else. I'm also the heaviest person in my family, so physically I'm different too. It's always been harder for me to see anything of value in myself than it has for anyone else. Well, I take that back. It's been just as hard for the other two fair haired children. I think the logic in the family was unfairly passed all to the brunettes. The point in saying all this is that, while I may be a black sheep, I'm Heavenly Father's black sheep. When I feel like no one else wants me, I know He does. As long as I want to be better and am trying to be better, He's going to be looking for me. I'm the one sheep that He left the ninety and nine to go rescue and just knowing that makes me feel worth something.

I'm sure there's more I could ramble about, but I'm going to end now. I just had a thought that I'm going to post the first chapter of my book on this blog. Let me know what you think of it. :)

Time for an update

Well, it's been three months since I've updated so I may as well get to it.

I don't even remember what I posted in the last blog and I'm not gonna go back and read it again so if I repeat myself, I apologize.

This has already been a fairly good year for me. Every year in my life has it's low points. I'm hoping that's the way most people are. I'm just choosing not to focus on them as much. Which I see as progress by the way.

I started the year with a good job...always a good thing. I work for Chrysler Financial. Chrysler moved all of their financial operations down to Roanoke, TX, to save on money and I was fortunate enough to be placed with them through a staffing agency in November of last year. We've kind of had to feel our way to doing things correctly, but we're slowly ironing out the kinks. I enjoy what I do. There's a lot of learning that goes into it. Unfortunately, they've started giving me the things that require some math. I'm not too fond of math. In fact, I hate math. Lucky for me, it's just simple adding and subtracting. I am basically an accountant that gets paid a entry level admin assitant's pay...which for the moment I don't have a problem with. It's just a place for me to be able to pay the bills at the moment.

I made a friend a work at the beginning of this year as well. He's an interesting character. I love him to death. He is an aspiring author. I love to read and I love to write. We talked about that a while back so he got into the habit of sending me any and all of the stuff he worked on so I could give him my opinion. He, in turn, asked me if I was writing anything since I seem to have a decent imagination. I told him I'd been messing around with a story I'd started telling my nephew about two and a half years ago when I was pregnant. He asked if he could read some of it.......and he fell in love with it. He told me he's my first bona fide fan and that he'd be upset if I didn't publish my story. I have always been told I have a talent for writing. I'm just now starting to take that particular compliment seriously. I've been writing this story for so long as a stress reliever. I never really intended to publish it because I never thought it was very good. Plus, it sounded like so many other books to me that I didn't want to just put another book out there that consisted of the same things rehashed and repackaged...but, my friend has perservered. He is not letting me get away with gently tucking it under a rug somewhere. He's connected like mad and is pushing for funding for me to get it edited and then sent to a publisher.

On top of my fantasy book, I got together with a girl from church and wrote out my adoption story. I wrote a very brief summary of what I wanted to say, but it conveyed my feelings and the message I wanted to get out rather nicely. I told my friend at work about it and he and his wife are excited for that to be published as well. We've run into a lot of hedges though. I was telling my friend about it and he made a way far out there suggestion that just might actually work. Within our work organization, there are smaller organizations for target groups. He's friends with someone that is part of the Women's Network at Chrysler. He wants me to talk to her and see if they'll maybe help me and this other girl pitch our idea for the book. He also started talking about speaking at different places and events. He thinks that my experience is such that I could have a good affect on a lot of people. He also thinks, for whatever reason, that there couldn't be anyone better suited than me to go around talking to girls about adoption simply because it's a topic that I'm so passionate about. We'll see I guess. I have a feeling that this year is going to be full of many big changes for me.

So that's my update for now. I'm trying to keep it fairly positive as the negative is starting to wear me down. There are so many things I'm looking forward to doing this year. I'll definitely post more if things go as planned. As it is, I'm exhausted. I have to work in the morning. Goodnight! :)