Tuesday, December 2, 2008

way overdue...

So it's officially December of 2008. Where has this year gone? I feel like yesterday was the beginning of the year!



It's been an eventful one, that's for sure. I now have three brothers gone from my parents house. One has been married for a while, one was married this year, and the other joined the marine corps. I know. Strange. It's definitely different and takes some getting used to.



Stephane got married to Meagan in August. That was quite the event. I was very excited to see my family. My mom's parents and my aunt came up from California for the wedding. I was not expecting the reaction I had to having my aunt there. She and I got along incredibly and having her there was a lifesaver. I don't do well at weddings and she was a great buffer for a lot of what I was dealing with.



Remi joined the marines. I have been hoping for a while that he would grow out of that phase, but it isn't a phase. I'm proud of him, don't get me wrong. I'm also very scared. He thinks he's going to be deployed soon and I'm less than enthusiastic about that. I know there are many men and women in the service that are deployed and in a war zone right now...it definitely hits home more when the war reaches your family. I miss my Remi very much. I'm excited about him coming home. It will be a very good day when he finally gets out of his training and has time to breathe and relax at home.



I moved back to my parents house in August, right after the wedding. I just wasn't making ends meet very well in Utah so I decided to move while my parents were in Utah with my dad's truck. I didn't want to have to make them come back up with gas prices being horrendous and the truck being a diesel. I miss my roommates a lot and the freedom I had being on my own, but I'm already feeling better. I love being with my family, even though they drive completely bazonkers on occasion. I finally got a job two weeks ago and I'm making enough that I can start paying back on my debts that I owe to my parents and my sister. I can also start putting money away to either get on my own or get the things I need without having to worry about breaking the bank.



Things weren't really all that great when I first moved home. I had some drama happen that tore me apart. It's not anything I can't overcome, but going through it was agony. I spent most nights and mornings curled up in my bed or on the floor of the shower just sobbing. I woke up several mornings as sore as possible just from the wracking sobs I was experiencing. That lasted for about two weeks before I started to get over it. There were plenty of times afterwards that I was completely miserable and let that misery rule me, but I'm doing better. I can't trust at all anymore, but I'm doing better. I seriously cannot bring myself to trust anyone right now. I even have doubts about my family having ulterior motives. That's really sad. One thing is for sure, I'm not taking a blind leap and trusting someone with my heart for a long time, if ever again. I just can't do it. I cannot have my heart broken like that again. It was like losing my daughter all over again...and no. That's not an exaggeration.



Speaking of my daughter, I did something I'm rather proud of. I have been going to the singles ward down here...that's not what I'm proud of though. I have a friend in the singles ward that did the same thing I did with her son. She got pregnant and put her son up for adoption. We got to talking about our experiences and I told her I was appalled at the lack of literature geared towards birth mothers. Most of the books available are for parents looking to adopt. I don't remember reading a book written by someone who knew what was going to happen. She agreed with me. She told me that she and some other girls are getting their stories together and they're going to try and publish them. It's going to be kind of a chicken soup book. She asked me if I'd like to contribute. I told her I would as I'd already started doing that with the thought that I'd one day have my mom and the adoptive mom write their experiences and publish a book that way. So I started writing. Usually, writing is not difficult for me. Stories flow from the pictures in my mind onto the screen without any difficulty. Not the case with this one. Understandably, I found myself more often than not incapable of writing. I also found myself remembering things I'd forgotten. Incidentally, it took me three months to complete an eleven page essay. That never happens...but it's done now. I sent it to my friend. She's going to shop it around to some publishers and we'll see where that takes us. I'm to the point with this that I don't mind telling people exactly what I've been through. My life's experiences, especially that one, can help people. So if they wanna know, I'm gonna tell them. So....if it doesn't get published and you want to read it, let me know.



Anyway. I've rambled enough I think. I'm going to go put up christmas decorations now. :)

Monday, July 7, 2008

Time for an update

Okay. It's been over a month since I've updated this thing. It's probably about time.

Not a lot has changed and that's probably why I haven't updated. I'm still living in Salt Lake and I still miss my family incredibly. I got to go home for my brothers graduation at the beginning of June which was incredibly awesome. It was weird for me to be there and hear his name called and see him walk across the stage. It made me feel really old actually.

The trip home was good for multiple reasons. I met Meagan which went much more smoothly than I expected. She and Ali and I spent a lot of time together. Ali is the maid of honor and therefore threw a bridal shower the day Remi graduated. Somehow, I ended up being in charge of most of it. I took care of the food and gave Ali little nudges when she lost her direction. Kind of stressful. It was fun though. Meagan and I also hung out on Monday just the two of us before I flew home. It was a thoroughly girly day. We went to the mall where I got some things for a friend of mine that is in Iraq at the moment at a Texas store there. I spent way more money than I should. But it was a lot of fun getting to know her a little better. It was a lot of fun getting a feel for her. She's a lot like my mom. Anyway. After the mall, we went and got our nails done. We talked while we were sitting there and over the course of the conversation, I was asked to be a bridesmaid. I've never been a bridesmaid which I'm totally okay with surprisingly.

So, on top of participating in the bridal shower at home, I'm now going to throw one here and invite the family that lives close. We'll see how that goes. I'm not exactly rolling in the dough so we'll see.

Being a bridesmaid is going to be a little more difficult than I thought too. I have to lose fifteen inches around my waist. That's right. Inches. Not pounds. I have until August 15th. Yeah. A month and a half. I don't have a problem with it. I can do it. I'm just slightly nervous about not being able to stick with it. Once again. We'll see.

I'm so completely exhausted lately. Emotionally I mean. I had a friend call me on Saturday night. My status on myspace and facebook has been slightly depressing lately and this was the first chance she'd had to talk to me. Usually she spends a lot of time talking about her issues so she promised she'd listen. I didn't even know where to begin. I don't tell people about a lot of things. I really don't. I bottle them and shove them where I don't have to deal with them and I work on the things I can handle. Consequently, I didn't know where to start. I started saying things and would get halfway through a sentence before not knowing how to continue. She kept saying, "Just let it out. Stop holding back." I didn't know how to describe what I was feeling. Unappreciated and taken for granted would probably be a good way to describe it now. I can't imagine how mothers feel all the time...but I started talking. I cried a little bit but not as much as I wanted to. There's some kind of healing power in tears. It's like they wash all the hurt out of my eyes and once I'm done crying, I can move on. I haven't been able to cry for a while. I cried a little but not as much as I thought I should I guess. Anyway. Talking to her didn't help as much as I wanted it to. I'm still stuck with the same feelings and no hope of resolving it anytime soon. Oh well. I'll survive I guess.

Talking about this brings up another concern that's been on my mind. My inability to cry has me very nervous. I'm a very emotional person most of the time. The fact that I haven't cried about some of the things I'm dealing with is worrying me. I don't know what's happening. I almost feel like I've thrown a wall around my heart and don't know how to feel anymore. I mean, I feel things, but not the way I used to. And I don't like it. I feel strange. Like I'm not myself. Like the person that I see in the mirror isn't really Kati. She's a shadow of who she used to be.

I will never be able to be who I was before. I've already accepted that...but there are things in my life I hadn't realized I'd given up. My ability to love unconditionally feels like it's been altered somehow.

I don't know. I guess that's what I'm thinking about at the moment. The only other thing I need to say is thank you for the real friends that stick with me through everything. They're the ones that see the heartache and instead of running from it, try and help. There are a few of those and they even cross oceans now. ;) I have a very good friend in England whose friendship is one I'm growing to depend on. Anyway. I gotta get back to work. Have a good day! :)

Friday, May 30, 2008

Slightly frustrated

You know, life gets really tiring really fast. It's just stupid. That's about all I can think of to sum it up. It's just dumb.

So I posted about Stephane getting married last time. Apparently, I need to censor myself now.

I write to get out my own feelings. I don't write for anyone else. I write for my own well being. If I didn't have the ability I do with words and a way to articulate what I'm thinking and feeling, I'd go stir crazy. That is what this blog is for. I don't care who reads it. I don't care how they take things. I know what I intend and what I mean. I don't think I need to stop expressing myself that way. It is a free country, right? I don't understand why some people think they need to assume that they know what I'm saying without asking when it's unclear. I know I'm going to get in trouble for this but this is something I need to say.

The reason I have issue with Stephane getting married has really very little to do with him. Anyone that reads this should know by now that I placed my daughter up for adoption two years ago in September. When any of my siblings get married, I'm going to have an issue with it simply because it makes me focus on everything that I have failed at. My siblings have not come close to making the mistakes I've made. It makes me feel very much like an outsider in my family. I feel like a black sheep in a sea of white wool. It hurts. At my cousins wedding last year, I had the same problem. All I wanted to do was run away instead of hitting that heartache head on at sixty miles an hour. So by saying what I did, I was merely saying that I'm nervous for myself. Not for Stephane and Meagan.

I don't know Meagan. I am not the type of person to judge someone I don't know. I'm not the type of person to stick my nose in a situation that I have no business being in much less think my opinion on this particular matter with this particular brother would mean a whole lot. I am truly happy for Stephane and Meagan. Finding someone to spend eternity with is a blessing that I'm incredibly terrified I won't be able to receive.

So, that being said, I'm going to apologize. I talked to Stephane the other day and explained why I said what I did and I will talk to Meagan when I go home next week. However, I guess I need to apologize to anyone reading this. I'm sorry that I come across as more judgemental and intolerant than I really am. That was not my intention at all and I hope you will forgive me. The purpose of this post is also not to get upset. Yes, I'm frustrated...but I'm trying to help people understand me...which is difficult cause more often than not, I don't understand me. I'm not a malicious person. I'm not going to pass judgement on anything. That much is obvious when you look at why I was with Josh Eckenrode to begin with. I'm sorry I made you think that I was objecting to Stephane marrying Meagan. I'm completely happy for them. I'm excited for them to be able to start this new journey together. I hope they will be happy and I wish them nothing but the best. Please understand that my issues about marriage have nothing to do with anyone getting married. I have a daughter. She will always be brought to the forefront when I attend weddings. The absence of a husband in that situation will always be something that haunts me. For the rest of my life. There is no getting around that.

So, please forgive me. I'm completely open to questions and comments. If you have concerns, ask me. I don't bite. :)

Friday, May 16, 2008

Way too long...

So, It's been two and a half months since my last post. Long time for me. Life's been interesting.

I'm still in Salt Lake though for how much longer is unclear at the moment. I asked for a raise about two weeks ago because my supervisor quit and I now have to help manage a three person job as one of two people. I don't mind it. I love working in Purchasing with Mike. It's a little awkward at times because he's had a crush on me for a while but it's not too bad. It's getting to be almost like brother and sister now. We tease each other and play fight all the time. We make a good team though. All of the work gets done when we're both focused on trying to get it done by a set time. Our usual goal is to be able to open both front doors...which is kinda pointless since it gets filled up again the next morning and we just have to go right back and start all over again.

I am pretty content living in Utah. For the most part. Things are going well. The seasons are changing and that's always a plus for me. I love the smells and sounds of spring and summer. For the past week, everyday after I get out of work, I'll get in my car and roll the window down and just drive around the valley. It's been kind of an essential part of my day as I'm having difficulty playing piano and I need some form of relaxation after work. I don't really have a reliable computer so I just drive around the Salt Lake valley after work for about an hour. It's the best kind of therapy I have right now.

So, Stephane is getting married. I'm not going to say too much about it simply because I don't want to give the wrong impression or come across in a way that I'm not intending. I love my brother. I'm happy for him. I truly am. I haven't met Megan but my family raves about her. I have friends in Provo that grew up with her. I don't want anyone thinking that I am not happy for Stephane so I'm just going to leave that there. Our relationship is still not the best, which I am at a loss to explain, but he is my brother and I love him. It'll be interesting getting used to another brother being married and eventually having kids. That's just a strange thought in and of itself.

It was kinda funny. About two weeks ago, I called my parents house after work to talk to my mom like I normally do and Remi was in the same room with her. She put me on speaker phone and Remi promptly told mom to tell me something. She responded that he should just tell me himself. So after some coaxing, I was informed that my diet and workout routine was no longer under my control if I decided to move home. Remi said that he will become my personal trainer if I move home to the point where every piece of food that goes past my lips has to be approved by him. He said he's going to get me up in the morning every morning to go running with our dogs and then after that, he's going to sit with me and read scriptures. Of all of my siblings, my relationship with him is the closest. It's interesting how that happened. We used to be at each others throats all the time. We were just so much alike. Now, I call him when I need advice for anything if I can't get a hold of my dad. I wish I could call Stephane like that but I know what both he and Mike would say so I'll just stick with Remi at this point. It's amazing how much insight that kid has into my heart and the way things work. He always knows exactly what to say and what I need to hear, even if I don't bring it up first. He's always quick to point out too that it's not coming from him. He's is a giant and he's only eighteen. I sure do love him. He just makes me miss my family an awful lot.

Speaking of family, I had the best conversation with my dad last week. I was sitting at the piano in my house and trying not to cry because a lot of issues going on in my life and I got a phone call. It was the Indiana Jones theme song ringtone that I thought I had only assigned to one of my roommates. So I ran to pick it up and it said Dad Cell. He said that he just felt like he needed to call me because he'd felt like his Katiuh had been needing him for the past week. I just broke down in tears. He asked how I was doing and if everything was okay and I told him no. I didn't give him extreme details but I told him that I was not anywhere near okay. I have so many things going on that I am having the hardest time handling and being so far from my family is one of the biggest trials right now. He asked what he could do to help and I told him I didn't know. A lot of my problems are things I'm not very proud of. He told me that he and mom would do anything they could to help me and that he wanted me to think about what they could do. My first thought was to ask if I could go home. I didn't ask that but told him I would think about it and let him know.

This weekend is girls weekend and I'm so excited about it. My friend Sarah Lockwood is coming up to Salt Lake and we are just gonna hang out until late tomorrow I hope. Shopping, movies, story-time, and random pictures are gonna be awesome.

Anyway. I'm at work and was accused of spending too much time for personal internet time so I better go.

Friday, March 7, 2008

It's been a month...time to update

So it's March 7th. It is Remi's birthday. He is eighteen. That is sooooo weird for me. Remi was kind of my baby so it's just a strange feeling. He has a picture posted on his myspace page of him when he was really little. He was too short to reach the keys on our piano but he was trying nonetheless. He is at the lower end just playing away with a huge grin on his face. It's kind of a big shock to me that he's eighteen now. I know he's not my baby but.....it sure felt like it. He's kind of like a twin........sort of. In a weird way. It's hard to explain.

Life continues pretty normally in Salt Lake. I spend a lot of time by myself at home. I go to work and come home and that's about it. Not that I have too big a problem with that but it gets old after a while. I feel very......stuck in limbo so to speak. I'm here and living life but not really living it. Things are just...I feel like a stick in the mud. Let's put it that way.

Work is going well. I will be hired full time next Thursday. That's the plan anyway. I'm a temp to hire right now but made such a name for myself by doing the boring stuff that they decided to keep me. :) They were actually fighting over who would get me permanently for a while. I think, with Teresa being so pushy, I'm going to shipping. At least for a little while. Teresa is the lady in charge of purchasing and she's kind of the crotchety old lady type. She pushes for things and usually gets them. She is trying to set me up with the guy that is her assistant and I'm totally not attracted to him. He's a nice guy but not my type. Anyway. I think that she is trying to push to get me to be part of shipping and receiving full time since they are in dire need of an assistant. Our company was just bought by LabCorp so a lot of procedures have changed. I tend to be very willing to do whatever is asked of me so I am a hot commodity for a lot of people apparently. The main thing that I'm worried about is the raise I'm supposed to be getting. That combined with my tax refund, whenever I get around to filing my taxes, will make me so much happier with my situation.

I miss my family more every day. I know I say that a lot but living without them is not something I like doing. Maybe it's living too far to be a part of the things they get to do that I don't like. I don't know. I think that I have a really bad attitude about my situation right now and it's affecting everything I do. I hate going out because I have a very prejudiced view of the people around me. It's really dumb.

Well, that's me at the moment. If anything exciting happens, I'll keep ya posted.

Monday, February 4, 2008

I'm so tired of the snow....

Now is the point where all the snow gets brown and crusty and black and it's just gross. Of course most of it's been like that for quite some time now but I'm noticing it more right now. Snow is a wonderful thing. It's such a cool toy from Heavenly Father! :) It's a lot of fun to get in snowball fights with your friends and then, when all the mischief is finished, turn around and go inside warm up in front of the fire or in my case the portable heater in my room and just chill with friends. :) I haven't had much opportunity to be a kid as much as I'd like to have this winter but I'm okay with that. Sometimes I have to be an adult. Unfortunately, I've had to be an adult for a while now and being a kid is not something I'm encouraged to do at my house.

Life is going fairly well at the moment. I'm happier right now than I've been for about two and a half weeks. I met a guy that was incredibly anti-mormon and he created a lot of confusion in my mind. He thinks it's his mission basically to "save" mormons and I kind of followed right along for a little while. He had a lot of convincing arguments that totally threw me for a loop and made me very confused. I have had a hard time with church for a while now but I thought I was okay. I went to church by myself and for myself for the first time the Sunday before I met this guy. Then he chimes in with all of his anti literature and media and it was very convincing. Especially since I've been questioning a lot of the things he provided "proof" for. I'm doing better though.

I watched the broadcast of the funeral for President Hinckley and I maintained my composure until President Monson got up to speak. Then when he was finished and the choir sang, somebody broke the water main behind my eyes. I had some really strong feelings during that ten to fifteen minute span of time and everything just kind of calmed down. I felt more at piece and happy than I have in a while.

I still miss my family immensely. Being here in Salt Lake is not as easy as I thought it would be. I really took for granted the fact that I could live at home and not pay rent or have to buy food. I can't buy food here either though because my roommates eat it or throw it out but that's beside the point...sort of. I'm to a point where I just need to figure out where I want to go with my life and go from there. I keep thinking I might want to go to college and I've submitted my application to the "U" but I'm still dragging my feet. I don't know if it's just lack of motivation or what. Maybe I'm just super super lazy and I don't want to do it. I don't know. I wish I could figure out how things work.

I have a new goal. I'm going to lose fifty pounds before I go home in June for my little brothers graduation! :) ......at least, I'm gonna try. I seem to remember a similar goal last year that died about a week after I set it. We'll see I guess. ;)

Friday, January 18, 2008

Just another update

So I'm realizing that I probably shouldn't have written that post on the tenth. Not that I have a problem with people reading it, I just don't think that most people would want to know about that. I know what Mike would tell me....I need to put it behind me and never think about it again. Here's why I have a problem with that:

What happened in my life in the past two or three years is not something I can just sweep under the rug. Having a child, married or not, changes the aspects of your life and the things that you focus on. I wrote about it because, even if it doesn't help me right now to talk about things, looking back on it later will. Having a journal or some record to look back on these things is a big deal for me. I almost wish I'd made a copy of the journal I gave to my daughter's adoptive parents so i could look back on how things are now as opposed to when I was right in the middle of everything.

I didn't mean to offend or startle anyone. I guess my purpose in writing that was to maybe illustrate the way I think a little. I know that didn't make anything more clear to anyone but it's all I have. I don't know how to explain me. I never have. I wouldn't even know where to begin to start.......but I like me. I like what I've accomplished. I know I still have a long way to go but who doesn't? I'm working on it as much as I can but it's not something that can change over night despite what some people think. We're talking about YEARS of thinking a certain way and being told that it's wrong and you need to change it. That's not an easy thing to do.

Anyway. That's my spouting off for the day. I'm sorry if I offended anyone by the post on the 10th. It was unintentional.

Monday, January 14, 2008

..........

So I went to visit my brother yesterday. He and his wife just had two more babies making their grand total now six. I must say my new nephews are absolutely adorable. It's difficult not to be adorable with their parents being who they are. The twins have very distinct personalities already too and they're only a month old. The way I see it, one of them is very mellow and relaxed as long as he isn't poopy, wet, or hungry. The other one seems to need to be aware of everything that's going on around him. He seems to want to be with everyone else like he's eager to learn as much as he can about whats happening. They're still smaller than my daughter was when she was born! Which is good because Shaunae was carrying twelve pounds of baby as it was!

I realized something as I was driving down to visit my brother and his family. I don't think I let them know nearly enough how much I love them. I almost started crying as soon as I walked in the house because I was so relieved that I could go there and just play with my family. Even though they aren't family by blood or even legally family, Mike is still my brother and Shaunae is still my sister-in-law and those kids are still my niece and nephews. I was so happy when I walked in that my little niece was excited to see me. Sometimes she's not so happy when I walk in. But yesterday she yelled my name and jumped at me demanding a hug. That almost brought me to tears too. My oldest nephew did the same thing. He saw that I was there, did a double take, and gave me the biggest hug he could manage. The whole time, I felt like my heart was just going to burst. I don't know why I've become such a blubbering idiot recently but my love for that family was really overwhelming.

Mike is incredible and I'm so lucky he's part of my family. He has done so many incredible things for me. He is always willing to give me a blessing any time I need it and I've needed it a few times. He's very accepting of everything I've been through. His only qualms with anything I do is when I bring pictures of my daughter to his house. He thinks like my dad and believes I should just drop it where it is and never bring them out again. I'm not as trapped in that past as he thinks I am. I go through most of my days without thinking about my daughter though this blog would probably testify otherwise. I know she's where she needs to be and I'm glad that she's happy. I just like showing her off. It's all that I have. Maybe I shouldn't. I don't know. Opinions are welcome if you wish to give them.

On a side note, yesterday was a wonderful day for me. I'm betting that next Sunday will be even better. I finally stayed for all three hours of church because I wanted to and not because someone was twisting my arm to stay. I conducted the sacrament meeting music which was a lot of fun. It's been a while since I've done that and I was soooooo nervous...but I pulled it off with a reasonably fair performance! ;) I will probably also end up playing the piano for the branch choir which has me a little nervous. I'm much more confident in my abilities but I'm still very self conscious and aware of my short comings. I'm also going to plan a trip to the Salt Lake Temple to do baptisms if anyone wants to join me...and my branch president wants me to think about going through the temple. Not sure if I really wanna go there yet but we'll see.

My application is in for the U. I'm so much happier than I've been in a long time. Life is genuinely good.......and I can see it! What's more.......I absolutely love it. I will try and be more positive as time goes by. Negative is wearing on everyone and I'm sorry.

Thursday, January 10, 2008

Interesting

I just realized something. Today is two years to the day that I found out I was pregnant. Good grief it's been a while.

I remember that day and cringe every time I think about it. I knew I was pregnant because I'd been sick for about two weeks. I'd wake up feeling like I wanted to throw up every day. I called in sick that day. I think it was a Monday. My mom said I should go to the doctor and consider the possibility I might be pregnant. Like I said, I already knew I was. I asked her to go with me knowing it would be easier if I was not the one to tell her. When they came back and told me the test was positive, I tried really really hard not to look at my mom and not to cry. We got out to the car and mom said I needed to call my dad because he knew we were going in. I started calling my dad and was surprised when she got on her phone. I heard her talking to the director of LDS Family Services and just about threw up right then and there. I was so mad that she would do that I just wanted to get out of the car and walk to Josh's house. I called my dad and told him, through a whole lot of tears, that I was pregnant and he said that mom was bringing him dinner to work and that he wanted me to come with her so we could talk. I agreed mostly to just get off the phone and not have to talk to anyone. Mom was still talking to the director and said that she had a daughter that would be needing to come in and talk to him very soon. She asked if she could set up a time but didn't need to.

I remember thinking that I want to reach over and hit her. I had just found out I was pregnant which effectively made me admit to what I'd been doing with Josh......something I'd tried to deny the whole time I was with him. I knew that I was going to have a long hard road ahead of me and she was already trying to make my decisions for me. I didn't know what I was going to do. I knew that Josh would need to be told and that I had no right to keep it from him. I also knew that my parents would not want me to tell him. He was in rehab at the time and as far as they were concerned, he had no right to know anything. I called my boss at work and told him that I wasn't going to be coming in. I went home and the rest of the day is kind of a blur.

I went to see my dad that night and I honestly don't remember a whole lot of what he told me. I remember my mom saying a lot of things that I would rather forget. She said that she had half a mind to send me away when I started to show because she didn't think keeping me at home with my siblings there was a good idea. She said that I was setting a bad example. Dad was a little more calm but I think I had broken his heart so he didn't really have much to say about that. Mom also told me that if I decided to parent my child, I would not be allowed at home. She said she would not have me around setting a bad example for my brothers and sister by being a single mother. We all agreed not to say anything for a little while until we could let it sink in to each of us. I remember that the ride home with mom was a lot more stressful than it otherwise should have been. Our relationship was strained anyway and her restrictions on me now that I was pregnant did not help in the least. I wanted to run away and marry Josh out of spite. I told her that I was going to tell him and that if she kicked me out, the only choice I'd have was Josh and that I would marry him.

We didn't tell the rest of my family for like a week or two what was happening. I told my sister the very next day because I'm not good at keeping secrets and we shared a room and I was on the top bunk and it was already hard to climb up there. I told her and she started crying. She said that she would help in anyway that I needed her.

When we told my brothers, we had a family council. They had no idea what was going on because family councils are usually held when the parentals are thinking about moving. Dad said that there was something that needed to be discussed and that no one was to interrupt until everything that needed to be said was said. He looked at me and told me to tell them and I started crying. I cried for about a minute before I choked out that I was pregnant. They all knew that it was Josh's baby. My little brothers were great. They all had to be touching me in some way. I had one holding my left hand, one wrapping his arms around my legs and one leaning his head on my shoulder and holding my other hand. They all said that they would help too. Rayo was so cute. He said that he and Nick would make sure their room was clean and baby friendly and that they would both help babysit and that they'd even get up in the night to help feed her if I needed it. They were great. They started calling the baby "Tiny Tim" until we found out it was a girl. Then she became "Tiny Tina". The only cloud of darkness came from my older brother. Stephane had much the same reaction my mom did and told me that he hoped I felt what I was going to go through to the highest degree possible. He said he felt like I would just go out and get pregnant again if I didn't. Remi got mad at him.

So now you know why I depend so heavily on my family. They are my rock. Looking back on two years ago, I am not the same person that I was. I am so much stronger than I ever imagined I possibly could be. My family has been the main reason I've changed so incredibly. They are so quick to help me out in any way I need to be helped it's unreal. I hope that they understand how much I appreciate them. Even Stephane who eventually got off his high horse to support me too. We still don't get along very well but I'm glad he's my brother. :) I would not change them for anything in the world.

Please don't misconstrue any of what I've said. I love my mom very much. We talk every day on the phone. Her reaction was unexpected but understandable considering the situation. She eventually told me that she would allow me to make my own decision about what to do. I love Stephane too. He's my big brother. He takes care of me in a lot of different ways even if we don't get along most of the time. He was the first to volunteer to help me drive up to Utah. He helped me escape Josh when I went home for Christmas. He's great. My whole family is great. I really lucked out in that respect.

Wednesday, January 9, 2008

Wow...

I didn't think that I would keep up with this as much as I have been. Writing comes so naturally to me that anytime I sit in front of a computer, that's what I want to do. It's also cool to have people come up to me and ask me if I'm really typing that fast. :)

So the thing in court is over. I gave a run-down of what happened yesterday. Today, I'm doing completely alright. I got a lot of texts from people that I asked to keep me in their prayers saying that they were excited that things had gone so well. I also got a call from my brother asking if there was anything he could be doing for me right now. His wife just had twins and he was checking and making sure I didn't need anything. I said my family is my sanity for a reason. I'm hoping to make it down to see them no later than this weekend.

I truly have been blessed with the people in my life. I don't think I could say that enough. It may seem odd and a waste of time but I call my mom everyday. I call her on my lunch now since my commute to work has dropped from thirteen minutes to two and a half on a bad day. I talked to my sister the night before I had to go to court and she just kept telling me that I needed to get angry and harness that anger so I wouldn't be afraid. I tell one of my little brothers almost everything. He is my secret keeper and he's really dang good at it too. He is who I go to when I need someone to listen to me because he has no qualms about saying what he's thinking. He's actually pretty sensitive about it for a sixteen year old and he always says encouraging things. My dad is awesome too. I called him the night before the hearing too and he gave me a run-down of what he thought may happen and told me to be prepared for the worst and hope for the best. There is no doubt in my mind that my family loves me. I've done some pretty stupid things and they are still there to support me. They don't come any better than that!

I have some really awesome friends too. The older brother that called me is actually my foster brother but he's part of our family just the same. I kind of became part of his family, or I felt like it anyway, when I was living with his sister. She's such a cool person. We didn't always get along and we don't really talk a whole lot anymore but she is still an incredible person. She has so much energy it's infectious. She has seen more transformation in me than I thought anyone would ever see. She is also, not that it's a bad thing at all, my biggest critic next to myself. She sees the good things I do but pushes me to improve on the things that I need to improve. She's just awesome in general.

It may sound pathetic but I really don't have many friends. I have a lot of acquaintances but not many real friends. They all either got married or something similar and I was kind of left behind. Not that that is bad either. It's just kind of sad. I'm by myself essentially. Anyway. That's my blog for today.

Tuesday, January 8, 2008

I'm such a worry wart...

So I know I totally freaked ya'll out yesterday about this whole court thing. I'm okay now. I went to the hearing today and the creep waived his right to a preliminary hearing. Basically, he took a plea bargain so I didn't have to testify against him.

He has to register for ten years on the sex offender registry and there is a possibility that he will get prison time. He pleaded out for a third degree felony instead of a second degree so it carries a maximum sentence of up to 5 years in prison but that's up to the judge. He's also going to be sat in front of two psychologists to determine if he's competent to stand in front of a judge or jury and there is a 1000 foot restraining order against him. So I'm safe.

I sent an email to my dad before I went home yesterday and basically broke down. He told me that the best way to conquer this fear that I have is to meet it head on which essentially what I did. I know I can handle something like that now. It's not that the nature of the fear has changed. My ability to handle it has grown.

So now, on to bettering myself and putting the last few years firmly behind me. I have been in Utah almost a full year now and I am so not the person that I was when I first got here. If you had asked me to do what I did today last year I would have laughed at you and said absolutely not. So I'm grateful that I can even recognize that things are even that different. Here's to more improvement...something that will no doubt be a constant for me throughout my life as I'm always screwing up in one way or another. :)

Monday, January 7, 2008

Serious Panic Attack!

Oh my goodness. I can't handle this. I have to be in court at 9 tomorrow and I can't handle this. I'm freaking out! I have to go and the only person going with me is a friend. Why can't tomorrow be the day after? Sometimes, a girl just needs her mom and dad and this is sure one of them. So lots of prayers for me would be good because tonight I'm going home and crying. I'll let you know what happens tomorrow.

Is it bad when you're head starts spinning because of something you're thinking about?

I hate waking up

You know, going to sleep is all fine and good...until you have to wake up. Whoever designed that whole method needs to fine tune it a little.

So I went to sleep last night thinking about something that I have to do tomorrow. I am absolutely dreading it. Something happened at the end of August that made me absolutely paranoid about what I have to do tomorrow morning. I really don't want to rehash what happened, but know that it's bad enough that I'm making myself sick over it. I just want to go home and curl up under my covers and pretend that nothing ever happened. I'm like that though. I'd much rather sweep it under the rug and leave it there than confront it head on.

My weekend was good. I have slowly, over two or three years, stepped out of a shell that I have been comfortable with for a long time. I'm not to the point where I'd like to be. One of my best friends is so confident in herself and has no fear of anything. I want to be more like her. Not completely, but more. I spent the weekend at home, reading like the nut that I am, and sporadically spending time talking to my roommates. They are pretty cool. I have a hard time with a lot of things and I know my acceptance of some people is simply my attitude towards them and that's what needs to be changed. It's odd for me though that they are both six years older than I am and they come to me for dating advice. That's basically all we talked about this weekend. Not that I had a problem with it, it's just strange for me to think that these girls who I would have gone to when I was younger are coming to me.

I don't know that I really want to believe in New Years resolutions. I think that more often than not, we set ourselves up to fail by tagging that name to the goals we have for our lives. There really is nothing special about setting a goal at the beginning of the year. It's probably a goal you've had for a long time...but if I were setting a New Years resolution, I would only make one. That would be to spend the year figuring out Kati. My dad is always telling me that he'll be happy when I figure out what makes Kati happy. He says that's what he wants more than anything. I think that, aside from one of my little brothers, I am the cause of most of his gray hairs. I have led a very different life than what I think either of my parents expected. My mom told me that when I was blessed as a baby, she knew I would have struggles that I'd have to deal with. She could not have been more right. But I'm trying to learn from it. I want to be happy. I don't know anyone who doesn't. I have just gone so long being unhappy and "getting by" that I'm not sure I know how to be happy anymore. I know what my brother in Orem and his sister would tell me. So yes, Becca. I'm going to try and take the hand that has been in front of my face for so long. Hopefully, by next year, I will be closer to being someone that people can love since that seems to me to be something that is rather difficult to do.

Friday, January 4, 2008

Hmmm.....

I don't know how many people will actually end up reading this but I figured it would work well as a way to keep my thoughts organized and to keep people updated on what's going on. Stephane, my older brother, has one and it took me like a year to jump on that bandwagon for a very specific reason. I guess I can start by describing myself a little at the present situation.

Anyone reading this will know a little of my history. I am the second of six kids or the third of seven with one older foster brother...however you wanna look at it. I'm 22 but I don't feel like it. I have a little sister and three younger brothers that I can't really call little brothers anymore since they're all taller than me. I still have issues getting along with some of them but it helps that I live in SLC and they are in Fort Worth, TX. It's true what they say. Absence makes the heart grow fonder.

Life has been anything but normal for me and I guess you could dispute that too by asking for a definition of normal. My family has moved a lot. The biggest moves in my opinion happened in my teenage years. We spent time in Haiti and then Bosnia. That was interesting let me tell ya. Going through it, I would tell my parents that I was going to hate them forever. Looking back on it now, I wouldn't change the experiences I had for anything. The things I saw made me who I am today and I happen to like who I am which any of my family will tell you is a big deal.

I've also been through my own personal hell/gethsemane for the past three years. I've been doing well though. I have reached a benchmark recently that I nearly didn't make so I'm proud of myself. Again, I wouldn't trade these experiences for anything partially because of who else was involved with it and partially because it made me the woman that I am today.

I have a lot of interests in a lot of different things but feel like I'm outshined all the time. I love writing. It is at present one of my only outlets. I enjoy playing the piano but have been discouraged since being home and seeing how talented my younger brother is without having any kind of training. I've had a year and have been playing for seven years and he is a million times better than me. I also like to sing. I was in choir throughout high school when we were living in a place to attend a high school. That is also a little of a sore spot for me as this same brother is once again far superior to me. My parents have paid for a lot of the things that I never had an option to participate in even though I asked a few times. I like to cook and this is the one thing I can say that I honestly do better than most of the rest of my siblings. I think that they just don't like taking the time otherwise we'd all share that talent too.

I know that all sounds very depressing and most of it is. It's difficult for me to focus on my own abilities when I'm so far outdone by my brother. He's younger than me too!!! That's all I'll say on that for now.

I'm in the middle of writing a book that one of my other brothers, my sister, and my nephew have all previewed and love. They have told me numerous times that if I don't finish it, I will be in big trouble. So I'm working on that at work right now.

I work for a pharmaceutical analysis company about two minutes, literally, from where I live. I am the receptionist and more often than not, I don't have anything to do during the day so I write. They're totally okay with it too. When I get into school in the summer, they said that I could do my schoolwork here too. So I'm excited about that.

So yeah. That's me in a very abbreviated nutshell. I love my family with all my heart. We've been through a lot throughout our lives and I totally and completely count on them for a lot of my sanity. I am happy in SLC living my own life and discovering who I am and where I fit in this world. I'll keep updating as I remember too. ;)