way overdue...

So it's officially December of 2008. Where has this year gone? I feel like yesterday was the beginning of the year!



It's been an eventful one, that's for sure. I now have three brothers gone from my parents house. One has been married for a while, one was married this year, and the other joined the marine corps. I know. Strange. It's definitely different and takes some getting used to.



Stephane got married to Meagan in August. That was quite the event. I was very excited to see my family. My mom's parents and my aunt came up from California for the wedding. I was not expecting the reaction I had to having my aunt there. She and I got along incredibly and having her there was a lifesaver. I don't do well at weddings and she was a great buffer for a lot of what I was dealing with.



Remi joined the marines. I have been hoping for a while that he would grow out of that phase, but it isn't a phase. I'm proud of him, don't get me wrong. I'm also very scared. He thinks he's going to be deployed soon and I'm less than enthusiastic about that. I know there are many men and women in the service that are deployed and in a war zone right now...it definitely hits home more when the war reaches your family. I miss my Remi very much. I'm excited about him coming home. It will be a very good day when he finally gets out of his training and has time to breathe and relax at home.



I moved back to my parents house in August, right after the wedding. I just wasn't making ends meet very well in Utah so I decided to move while my parents were in Utah with my dad's truck. I didn't want to have to make them come back up with gas prices being horrendous and the truck being a diesel. I miss my roommates a lot and the freedom I had being on my own, but I'm already feeling better. I love being with my family, even though they drive completely bazonkers on occasion. I finally got a job two weeks ago and I'm making enough that I can start paying back on my debts that I owe to my parents and my sister. I can also start putting money away to either get on my own or get the things I need without having to worry about breaking the bank.



Things weren't really all that great when I first moved home. I had some drama happen that tore me apart. It's not anything I can't overcome, but going through it was agony. I spent most nights and mornings curled up in my bed or on the floor of the shower just sobbing. I woke up several mornings as sore as possible just from the wracking sobs I was experiencing. That lasted for about two weeks before I started to get over it. There were plenty of times afterwards that I was completely miserable and let that misery rule me, but I'm doing better. I can't trust at all anymore, but I'm doing better. I seriously cannot bring myself to trust anyone right now. I even have doubts about my family having ulterior motives. That's really sad. One thing is for sure, I'm not taking a blind leap and trusting someone with my heart for a long time, if ever again. I just can't do it. I cannot have my heart broken like that again. It was like losing my daughter all over again...and no. That's not an exaggeration.



Speaking of my daughter, I did something I'm rather proud of. I have been going to the singles ward down here...that's not what I'm proud of though. I have a friend in the singles ward that did the same thing I did with her son. She got pregnant and put her son up for adoption. We got to talking about our experiences and I told her I was appalled at the lack of literature geared towards birth mothers. Most of the books available are for parents looking to adopt. I don't remember reading a book written by someone who knew what was going to happen. She agreed with me. She told me that she and some other girls are getting their stories together and they're going to try and publish them. It's going to be kind of a chicken soup book. She asked me if I'd like to contribute. I told her I would as I'd already started doing that with the thought that I'd one day have my mom and the adoptive mom write their experiences and publish a book that way. So I started writing. Usually, writing is not difficult for me. Stories flow from the pictures in my mind onto the screen without any difficulty. Not the case with this one. Understandably, I found myself more often than not incapable of writing. I also found myself remembering things I'd forgotten. Incidentally, it took me three months to complete an eleven page essay. That never happens...but it's done now. I sent it to my friend. She's going to shop it around to some publishers and we'll see where that takes us. I'm to the point with this that I don't mind telling people exactly what I've been through. My life's experiences, especially that one, can help people. So if they wanna know, I'm gonna tell them. So....if it doesn't get published and you want to read it, let me know.



Anyway. I've rambled enough I think. I'm going to go put up christmas decorations now. :)