Oh brother...

Ok. I'm horrible at writing in this or any other journal. I generally have so much going on and I'm doing my best not to get sucked in by any electronics. I've wasted plenty of time on the computer and video game consoles, and I know that I'm not the particularly strong type that can keep from getting sucked in, so I avoid them altogether. Which I don't think is necessarily a bad thing...but there are things I need to go over and update on. I'm not exactly sure if anyone even pays attention to my blog still, but writing is therapuetic for me either way.

This year has been interesting. It's had quite a few good things along with the bad. I think a lot of it has been my choice to be the best person I can be. It helps that I've got my sister around me literally all the time now and some awesome friends that are very supportive and willing to be there for me no matter what stupid problem I'm trying to fix.

I am now working another new job...and it's one I wasn't particularly keen on taking. As everyone in the world knows, Chrysler is falling...fast. I was hired there as a temp. By law, an employer cannot retain a temp any longer than one year. At that point, they have to either hire them or terminate them. Because of benefits, it's cheaper for Chrysler to employ the core of their Operations Department as temps. We found out about a month, maybe a month and a half ago that they had no plans to hire any of us full time. Money is tight for me as it is. I was getting paid to do an accountants work at an entry level admins pay grade. Not the most pleasant thing in the world. In swoops Ali the Amazing to the rescue! She still works for DynCorp in the IT area. The helpdesk at DynCorp was looking for help and she told them I'd do it. They fought tooth and nail and hell and highwater to get me this job as quickly as they did. I wasn't working for a week, but I'm pretty solid now. I never thought I'd be working for DynCorp again, but I already like this environment much more than the one I was in before. It's so much more friendly. It is working with the Helpdesk meaning that I will probably eventually have to help answering phones, but that doesn't really scare me. I'm currently just processing terminations. Their goal is to turn all of the terms over to me so the other teams can get other work done. So I'm learning to do all of the different systems. I'm excited to see how this experience differs from my last one.

I submitted my query letter and synopsis to Writers House in New York. They are the publishing agents whose clientele includes Stephen Hawking, Christopher Paolini-Eragon, Stephanie Meyer-Twilight, Nora Roberts, Brandon Mull-Fablehaven, among others. They take six to eight weeks to reply so I'm patiently waiting. I've been editing and tying things together better in the meantime, trying to make it uniquely my own and to make it make more sense. I'd like reader feedback as well, so if you're reading this and you want to read my book, let me know and I'll see what I can do about getting you a copy.

As far as my emotional health goes, I'm doing fairly well. Most of the time I don't have issues with sadness like I used too. I've been really angry lately though and I can't explain why. I get enough sleep for three of me. Guess it's time to learn to control the red head in me and find my balance.

We're getting close to September. I'd like to be able to disappear for the first Thursday, Friday, Saturday, and Sunday of September, but I'm not sure I should. It's been surprisingly more emotional this year than in previous years. This whole week I've been on the verge of tears. I'm trying not to let myself be such a whanie, but it's difficult. My memory isn't malfunctioning like I wish it sometimes would, so I'm assaulted at the most random times. Yesterday it was a song I was listening too that set off a trigger that for whatever reason forced me to relive the tearing feeling I experienced in the hospital three years ago. That's not an exaggeration. I was sitting at my desk at work and was bent over taking deep breaths trying to hold myself together because it hurt so much...but, and everyone that knows me will know how big this is, I immediately asked for help. I started praying and asked Heavenly Father to simply help me not to focus on the hurt. I didn't mind if He didn't want me to stop feeling it, but I asked Him if He'd allow it to lessen. I felt His arms envelope me and His hand on my head, helping to stave off the hurt. I knew He would never leave me to suffer through that again on my own.

It's interesting to me to see how that relationship has grown. I actually believe that He cares now where I used to think He'd left me to myself. More often than not, I feel like the black sheep in my family. I'm the one that always has to do things the hard way. I don't like following rules, and I like to do my own thing. I love being around my family, but sometimes, they are what make me more angry than anything else. I'm also the heaviest person in my family, so physically I'm different too. It's always been harder for me to see anything of value in myself than it has for anyone else. Well, I take that back. It's been just as hard for the other two fair haired children. I think the logic in the family was unfairly passed all to the brunettes. The point in saying all this is that, while I may be a black sheep, I'm Heavenly Father's black sheep. When I feel like no one else wants me, I know He does. As long as I want to be better and am trying to be better, He's going to be looking for me. I'm the one sheep that He left the ninety and nine to go rescue and just knowing that makes me feel worth something.

I'm sure there's more I could ramble about, but I'm going to end now. I just had a thought that I'm going to post the first chapter of my book on this blog. Let me know what you think of it. :)