Well, I think it's well past time for an update. Interesting how life seems to get in the way of things like blogging sometimes. Especially when the blog is just about me. Haha
Life is interesting. I've been presented with a few challenges the past few weeks that have been difficult for me to handle in a way that's different from anything else I've been through...but not so much that I couldn't deal with it.
My life is going well. I'm still not where I want to be on a lot of levels, but I'm working towards it. I still work for Dyncorp on the IT Service Desk which is still fun for me. I have my days where I'd rather shoot myself than go to work, but they are few and far between. I'm still learning a lot about the IT world and it's very interesting to me. I love being able to know more and teach other people.
Physically, I've been better. I'm still dealing with weight issues and had another problem at the beginning of June. I ended up in the ER with some pretty intense abdominal pain. Turns out, after some incredible pain meds and an ultrasound, I had gallstones. Luckily, my gall bladder wasn't infected so I didn't have to have emergency surgery. Still, after that "attack", I was out of work for two days. I scheduled surgery for June 28th not really remembering that my family would be out of town. :-/ So, on June 28th, my friend Justin Wright took me to the hospital and I had my gall bladder removed. Recovery didn't really take as long as I was expecting and I was walking around just fine the same day. I've been fairly healthy since then. Aside from the weight issues I mean.
I still play the piano in the singles ward. It's getting a little old. I don't have much else to do so I get bored with things there. Knowing my luck, that's probably something I'm supposed to be learning from though.
So today has been a little difficult for me. I stumbled onto something online that I was not anticipating or prepared for. When I saw it, I felt like I'd been punched in the gut. I had nearly been a part of something that would have hurt so many people. Seeing the way things are now and knowing how they were, I'm physically sick to my stomach. It breaks my heart to realize how big of an influence I have on certain people. My game used to be to see how much power I had over people...men in particular. After the adoption, I spiralled a little. Not nearly as much as I could, but more than almost anyone knows. I was not in a good place. I literally used to hook up with guys just to see how much I could control them...and I was very good at it. This thing that I found was evidence of some of the damage I could have done. Granted, I didn't allow things to progress to a point that was permanently damaging to these other people, but I definitely damaged myself.
I don't know. I have been pushing towards being happy for so long it's difficult to deal with a slide in the opposite direction. I know it's momentary and that I will find my feet again soon, but I don't like having to go over the same things.
On an emotional level, I'm doing better. I feel better about myself and have a lot more confidence than I've had before. I can feel pieces of me falling away and being replaced by things much stronger and much less prone to breaking. I am growing into a woman that knows who she is and what she's worth. And that's a plus. Living in fear of my own capabilities is stupid and ridiculous. Being afraid of what I can do is the least of my worries. There are more important things to do and living my life is one of them.
I am definitely glad I have people in my life willing to look past my shortcomings and push me to be who I should be.
