You know, life gets really tiring really fast. It's just stupid. That's about all I can think of to sum it up. It's just dumb.
So I posted about Stephane getting married last time. Apparently, I need to censor myself now.
I write to get out my own feelings. I don't write for anyone else. I write for my own well being. If I didn't have the ability I do with words and a way to articulate what I'm thinking and feeling, I'd go stir crazy. That is what this blog is for. I don't care who reads it. I don't care how they take things. I know what I intend and what I mean. I don't think I need to stop expressing myself that way. It is a free country, right? I don't understand why some people think they need to assume that they know what I'm saying without asking when it's unclear. I know I'm going to get in trouble for this but this is something I need to say.
The reason I have issue with Stephane getting married has really very little to do with him. Anyone that reads this should know by now that I placed my daughter up for adoption two years ago in September. When any of my siblings get married, I'm going to have an issue with it simply because it makes me focus on everything that I have failed at. My siblings have not come close to making the mistakes I've made. It makes me feel very much like an outsider in my family. I feel like a black sheep in a sea of white wool. It hurts. At my cousins wedding last year, I had the same problem. All I wanted to do was run away instead of hitting that heartache head on at sixty miles an hour. So by saying what I did, I was merely saying that I'm nervous for myself. Not for Stephane and Meagan.
I don't know Meagan. I am not the type of person to judge someone I don't know. I'm not the type of person to stick my nose in a situation that I have no business being in much less think my opinion on this particular matter with this particular brother would mean a whole lot. I am truly happy for Stephane and Meagan. Finding someone to spend eternity with is a blessing that I'm incredibly terrified I won't be able to receive.
So, that being said, I'm going to apologize. I talked to Stephane the other day and explained why I said what I did and I will talk to Meagan when I go home next week. However, I guess I need to apologize to anyone reading this. I'm sorry that I come across as more judgemental and intolerant than I really am. That was not my intention at all and I hope you will forgive me. The purpose of this post is also not to get upset. Yes, I'm frustrated...but I'm trying to help people understand me...which is difficult cause more often than not, I don't understand me. I'm not a malicious person. I'm not going to pass judgement on anything. That much is obvious when you look at why I was with Josh Eckenrode to begin with. I'm sorry I made you think that I was objecting to Stephane marrying Meagan. I'm completely happy for them. I'm excited for them to be able to start this new journey together. I hope they will be happy and I wish them nothing but the best. Please understand that my issues about marriage have nothing to do with anyone getting married. I have a daughter. She will always be brought to the forefront when I attend weddings. The absence of a husband in that situation will always be something that haunts me. For the rest of my life. There is no getting around that.
So, please forgive me. I'm completely open to questions and comments. If you have concerns, ask me. I don't bite. :)
Friday, May 30, 2008
Friday, May 16, 2008
Way too long...
So, It's been two and a half months since my last post. Long time for me. Life's been interesting.
I'm still in Salt Lake though for how much longer is unclear at the moment. I asked for a raise about two weeks ago because my supervisor quit and I now have to help manage a three person job as one of two people. I don't mind it. I love working in Purchasing with Mike. It's a little awkward at times because he's had a crush on me for a while but it's not too bad. It's getting to be almost like brother and sister now. We tease each other and play fight all the time. We make a good team though. All of the work gets done when we're both focused on trying to get it done by a set time. Our usual goal is to be able to open both front doors...which is kinda pointless since it gets filled up again the next morning and we just have to go right back and start all over again.
I am pretty content living in Utah. For the most part. Things are going well. The seasons are changing and that's always a plus for me. I love the smells and sounds of spring and summer. For the past week, everyday after I get out of work, I'll get in my car and roll the window down and just drive around the valley. It's been kind of an essential part of my day as I'm having difficulty playing piano and I need some form of relaxation after work. I don't really have a reliable computer so I just drive around the Salt Lake valley after work for about an hour. It's the best kind of therapy I have right now.
So, Stephane is getting married. I'm not going to say too much about it simply because I don't want to give the wrong impression or come across in a way that I'm not intending. I love my brother. I'm happy for him. I truly am. I haven't met Megan but my family raves about her. I have friends in Provo that grew up with her. I don't want anyone thinking that I am not happy for Stephane so I'm just going to leave that there. Our relationship is still not the best, which I am at a loss to explain, but he is my brother and I love him. It'll be interesting getting used to another brother being married and eventually having kids. That's just a strange thought in and of itself.
It was kinda funny. About two weeks ago, I called my parents house after work to talk to my mom like I normally do and Remi was in the same room with her. She put me on speaker phone and Remi promptly told mom to tell me something. She responded that he should just tell me himself. So after some coaxing, I was informed that my diet and workout routine was no longer under my control if I decided to move home. Remi said that he will become my personal trainer if I move home to the point where every piece of food that goes past my lips has to be approved by him. He said he's going to get me up in the morning every morning to go running with our dogs and then after that, he's going to sit with me and read scriptures. Of all of my siblings, my relationship with him is the closest. It's interesting how that happened. We used to be at each others throats all the time. We were just so much alike. Now, I call him when I need advice for anything if I can't get a hold of my dad. I wish I could call Stephane like that but I know what both he and Mike would say so I'll just stick with Remi at this point. It's amazing how much insight that kid has into my heart and the way things work. He always knows exactly what to say and what I need to hear, even if I don't bring it up first. He's always quick to point out too that it's not coming from him. He's is a giant and he's only eighteen. I sure do love him. He just makes me miss my family an awful lot.
Speaking of family, I had the best conversation with my dad last week. I was sitting at the piano in my house and trying not to cry because a lot of issues going on in my life and I got a phone call. It was the Indiana Jones theme song ringtone that I thought I had only assigned to one of my roommates. So I ran to pick it up and it said Dad Cell. He said that he just felt like he needed to call me because he'd felt like his Katiuh had been needing him for the past week. I just broke down in tears. He asked how I was doing and if everything was okay and I told him no. I didn't give him extreme details but I told him that I was not anywhere near okay. I have so many things going on that I am having the hardest time handling and being so far from my family is one of the biggest trials right now. He asked what he could do to help and I told him I didn't know. A lot of my problems are things I'm not very proud of. He told me that he and mom would do anything they could to help me and that he wanted me to think about what they could do. My first thought was to ask if I could go home. I didn't ask that but told him I would think about it and let him know.
This weekend is girls weekend and I'm so excited about it. My friend Sarah Lockwood is coming up to Salt Lake and we are just gonna hang out until late tomorrow I hope. Shopping, movies, story-time, and random pictures are gonna be awesome.
Anyway. I'm at work and was accused of spending too much time for personal internet time so I better go.
I'm still in Salt Lake though for how much longer is unclear at the moment. I asked for a raise about two weeks ago because my supervisor quit and I now have to help manage a three person job as one of two people. I don't mind it. I love working in Purchasing with Mike. It's a little awkward at times because he's had a crush on me for a while but it's not too bad. It's getting to be almost like brother and sister now. We tease each other and play fight all the time. We make a good team though. All of the work gets done when we're both focused on trying to get it done by a set time. Our usual goal is to be able to open both front doors...which is kinda pointless since it gets filled up again the next morning and we just have to go right back and start all over again.
I am pretty content living in Utah. For the most part. Things are going well. The seasons are changing and that's always a plus for me. I love the smells and sounds of spring and summer. For the past week, everyday after I get out of work, I'll get in my car and roll the window down and just drive around the valley. It's been kind of an essential part of my day as I'm having difficulty playing piano and I need some form of relaxation after work. I don't really have a reliable computer so I just drive around the Salt Lake valley after work for about an hour. It's the best kind of therapy I have right now.
So, Stephane is getting married. I'm not going to say too much about it simply because I don't want to give the wrong impression or come across in a way that I'm not intending. I love my brother. I'm happy for him. I truly am. I haven't met Megan but my family raves about her. I have friends in Provo that grew up with her. I don't want anyone thinking that I am not happy for Stephane so I'm just going to leave that there. Our relationship is still not the best, which I am at a loss to explain, but he is my brother and I love him. It'll be interesting getting used to another brother being married and eventually having kids. That's just a strange thought in and of itself.
It was kinda funny. About two weeks ago, I called my parents house after work to talk to my mom like I normally do and Remi was in the same room with her. She put me on speaker phone and Remi promptly told mom to tell me something. She responded that he should just tell me himself. So after some coaxing, I was informed that my diet and workout routine was no longer under my control if I decided to move home. Remi said that he will become my personal trainer if I move home to the point where every piece of food that goes past my lips has to be approved by him. He said he's going to get me up in the morning every morning to go running with our dogs and then after that, he's going to sit with me and read scriptures. Of all of my siblings, my relationship with him is the closest. It's interesting how that happened. We used to be at each others throats all the time. We were just so much alike. Now, I call him when I need advice for anything if I can't get a hold of my dad. I wish I could call Stephane like that but I know what both he and Mike would say so I'll just stick with Remi at this point. It's amazing how much insight that kid has into my heart and the way things work. He always knows exactly what to say and what I need to hear, even if I don't bring it up first. He's always quick to point out too that it's not coming from him. He's is a giant and he's only eighteen. I sure do love him. He just makes me miss my family an awful lot.
Speaking of family, I had the best conversation with my dad last week. I was sitting at the piano in my house and trying not to cry because a lot of issues going on in my life and I got a phone call. It was the Indiana Jones theme song ringtone that I thought I had only assigned to one of my roommates. So I ran to pick it up and it said Dad Cell. He said that he just felt like he needed to call me because he'd felt like his Katiuh had been needing him for the past week. I just broke down in tears. He asked how I was doing and if everything was okay and I told him no. I didn't give him extreme details but I told him that I was not anywhere near okay. I have so many things going on that I am having the hardest time handling and being so far from my family is one of the biggest trials right now. He asked what he could do to help and I told him I didn't know. A lot of my problems are things I'm not very proud of. He told me that he and mom would do anything they could to help me and that he wanted me to think about what they could do. My first thought was to ask if I could go home. I didn't ask that but told him I would think about it and let him know.
This weekend is girls weekend and I'm so excited about it. My friend Sarah Lockwood is coming up to Salt Lake and we are just gonna hang out until late tomorrow I hope. Shopping, movies, story-time, and random pictures are gonna be awesome.
Anyway. I'm at work and was accused of spending too much time for personal internet time so I better go.
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