It's time

I haven't written in a while so I figured it's about time for me to update. I'm not sure how to describe the way I feel lately. I'm in a constant state of up and down. Some days are incredible, and others are not. I know that's normal, but that doesn't comfort me. I don't like being so emotionally unstable...because that's what it is. I don't know enough about myself to know how to keep things steady.

Sometimes, I really wish that trials were a one shot deal. At least, the hardest ones anyway. I just want to be able to say I'm not worried about what tomorrow or the next day will bring. I know I'm not really ever going to be able to do that because that's the nature of this existence...but it would sure help me sleep better. I'm so very tired. I keep feeling pieces of me falling away and I can't grab all of them. I'm shedding much of what I've felt has made me who I am. The woman I'm finding underneath is a shocking contrast to who I thought was there. I don't even really know if I can describe the thoughts that are spinning through my head accurately.

Today, I was sitting at my desk at work and thinking about the things that have been weighing on my heart and I felt an incredible urge to cry. I don't deal with pressure in my personal life very well. I was sort of listening to my ipod when I got an answer to an unspoken question. Listening to the lyrics was like shafts of light breaking through the thickest cloud that was smothering my heart. I don't even know if that's how to describe it, but there it is.

My life has been fairly busy lately and is going to get much more busy in the next few weeks. I decided that I'd like to throw a Masquerade Ball around Christmas. Right now, the prospects aren't looking to good. Not many people seem all that interested and I'm getting a little discouraged. Knowing my luck, by the time it's all said and done, I'll have more work to do with this thing than I know what to do with.

Remi was hired at DynCorp and is shipping out to Afghanistan in a week and a half. Stephane told me he was hired and my heart dropped. I don't want him to go. I'm terrified of him going over there even though I know that's a really irrational fear. That's my Remi. I don't want him to go.

My birthday is in two days...and I'm ()<----this thrilled. I'm excited to go to Six Flags the day after, but my birthday has been steadily becoming more and more of a depressing day for me. I just don't want to deal with it. It's easy to ignore, most of my family forgets. So I'm hoping that's what happens. I don't want a big deal made out of this.

It's weird that my own birthday is a more depressing day than my daughter's is. She turned three over a month ago. I took the day off and spent it doing some retail therapy with one of my friends. It didn't really bother me though. Even when I wasn't trying to distract myself, I didn't have a problem. Which is a good thing I suppose. The adoptive mom sent me a really cool gift with this package. She sends me gifts with every letter almost. This time she sent me a book and a dvd. The dvd is a home video of Liza singing and dancing and being Liza. Let me tell you, she's a goof. Her voice is deep but apparently not as deep as mine was and has always been, and she's so exuberant. I was tired by the end of the dang thing just from watching her bounce around. She's adorable though. Rambunctious and full of mischief, but adorable.

Last month, President Uchtdorf came to a regional YSA conference down here. They invited anyone within a five hour driving distance. We were in MAJOR violation of the fire code, but it was an incredible experience. When he walked in the room, we started singing "We Thank Thee, O God, for a Prophet." I didn't get past the opening phrase. As soon as I saw him, I was so filled with the spirit that I literally couldn't say anything. I got a stupid grin on my face and just started crying. Ali looked at me and hugged me, which only served to make me cry harder.

His wife spoke first. She's hilarious!! Her accent reminds me of my own grandmother even though she really doesn't struggle anymore. Her comments were focused on getting us to start dating and out of the "hanging out phase" and every comment was punctuated with her German personality. So cute!

President Uchtdorf spoke on many things. He talked about what Sister Uchtdorf had talked about, and elaborated on his own topics. Really the only thing I remember was what he said about forgiveness. He said, "Heavenly Father forgives you, and then forgets about it. He doesn't keep beating it over your head. The only thing holding most of us back, is the inability to forgive ourselves. So, forgive. Forgive yourself." That hit my heart so hard. I say over and over again that I've moved past my mistakes, but every now and then, I focus on it again, and I know I haven't really forgiven myself. I know Heavenly Father has. I received a blessing from my brothers a few years ago and was told that I was forgiven. My own inability to forgive myself is the only thing keeping me from moving forward.

So there's the update. Random and scattered I know...but then again, I don't have to be organized. That's Ali's department. ;)