Thursday, December 31, 2009

So long 2009...

It's really kind of interesting to look at a year in retrospect and see things happen from this side. I started 2009 very optomistically. This year, I was going to learn and grow in ways I hadn't yet. I had every intention of stretching myself beyond my limit and truly finding who I am. I think I've succeeded for the most part. Here's a list of what I feel I accomplished:

1. I have grown closer to my Heavenly Father in a way I didn't think was possible for a long time. My understanding of Him and the things He wants for me has increased. With that came an increased ability to see His hand in my life. I spent a lot of time looking at things occuring in my life from the outside and was blessed with an understanding of many things.

2. I have shed much of my former self. I have outgrown my insecurities and can take care of myself now. I'm more quick to stand up for myself and I am recognizing and avoiding situations that would otherwise harm me. The woman that is emerging underneath the dirt and grime is a much more beautiful person than I originally thought and it's exciting.

3. I have made many new friends just as much as I have lost many old ones. My ability to cope with that change has increased. I still have difficulty with the idea of losing people I care about, but my turn around time has become so much better.

These are just things I can see. I'm sure there are other things I've accomplishied this year, but those are the ones that come to mind most readily. This is what I want to accomplish for 2010:

1. I would like to be more confident where relationships with the opposite sex are concerned. Part of that will come with improving my physical image, but I will forever be shocked when a man is interested in me. Especially when that man is as good as some of them are.

2. I would like to finally finish Hope and Ashes. There's so much editing still to do, but I'm confident I can get through it. Maybe then I'll be able to stop working and go to school and write for a living.

3. I would like to find love. Even if it doesn't last the way I want it to, I want to find someone who not only doesn't care about my past, but encourages me to be and think and do better. That's more of a wish than an actual desire. That's like me saying, "Ok, Lord. I'm going to trust your timing, but it would be really nice if you would send some form of prince charming my way." Or, "Lord, you've sent him to me, but he's not really getting it. Could you, ya know, strike him with lightening or something? Give him an epiphany and help him understand what's happening?" Silly, but that's me.

I'm excited to say goodbye to another year. It's been an eventful one for me and I'm excited for the new year. Things are going to get better and I just can't wait for it. God's blessed me with so much, I cannot wait to see what He has in store for me in 2010. Hopefully, everyone is as fortunate. This is what I imagine a letter to Him from me would say right now:

Dear God,
The things you've done for me this year have been incredible. I can't thank you enough for showing me what you have. I know I'm truly blessed and I'm so grateful for the lessons I've learned. Thank you for loving me when it felt like no one else would. I need to ask for a special blessing. You know what's in my heart and you know what I would like, but it would make me feel better to at least type it if not say it out loud. There's been so much hurt this year. Please heal just a little bit of it. Hearts and lives have been shattered and dreams have died. People's paths have changed. Help them to recover and find the way. Help them to discover what it means to live and love again. Don't let them fall into a hole. If you need me to, I'm willing to do whatever you need me too to help those that I can. I understand that you had me go through what I did so that I would be in a position to help others through what they have to go through. Please point me in the direction I'm needed the most and help me know what to say and do. We are all in so much need of you these days. Please let me help. Please let me be what you need me to be and help me put smiles on the faces of those whose hearts are weighed down and shattered. Help me help them find the pieces and some super glue so we can all be blessed with more smiles and love.

Love always,
Kati

Happy New Year

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