Well, no one can say 2010 wasn't a good year. So much has happened to me and my friends and family. It's making me smile just thinking about it.
For starters, I was hired full time at the very beginning of the year. That definitely set a tone for it to be just awesome. And it has been. It's been a fairly good ride this year and I'm happy with the results. There are always things I wish I'd accomplished, but I'm not dead yet. I'm not even close.
Last year, I wrote a post and included what I wanted for 2010. I kept it to three things that I thought were relatively easy to actually follow through with. In a way, I've done that. I wanted confidence, especially in my relationships. I've achieved that. I can talk to anyone. I do it for a living.
I wanted to be able to finish Hope and Ashes. Haven't accomplished that entirely, but I figured out how. I cleared my writers block and am back to progressing with a truly wonderful story. I've had a few people read my final draft of what I've edited so far and the response has been very positive. I'm excited to be able to put it in book form and hand it to my nephews, sister, friend, and anyone else who wants it.
The last thing I wanted was to find love...and boy did I accomplish that in an odd way. I wanted to find a love that would last me through eternity...and I did. No. I'm not engaged. I'm still not even really dating. What do you mean then, Kati? is probably what you're asking yourself. I mean this: I found me. I wanted a love worth dying for and God showed me a mirror. I have spent a great deal of my life under the firm belief that I don't matter as much as other people. He showed me differently. I may not be where I need to in all aspects of my life, but I'm beautiful and amazing and so blessed with talents and gifts and possessions and people in my life. I have discovered these things, but more importantly, I believe them. I have told people, my mom in particular, that they could not change the events of my life...because I did not want to change my life's path. You cannot change someone. The way one sees him/herself will not change until one wants it to change, no matter how you try to bribe or convince.
All in all, it's been a great year. That's not saying it has been all sunshine and roses. There's been a lot of growing pains involved with everything that's transpired in my life and this year was no different. There were fights and arguments and tears and heartache. In August, a friend of mine was killed in Afghanistan when the vehicle he was in flipped after hitting a roadside bomb. He was the gunner and the obvious result was his death. That hit me a lot harder than I was anticipating. Benjamen Chisholm had a personality I've envied for many years. He lived life with a go hard or go home attitude and he loved almost everyone. He always took care of the people around him. At the memorial service we held for him in Fort Worth, several of his friends repeated something that will stick with me forever. They said that he told them that he could not live with himself if someone else died because he wasn't there...and he lived up to that. He followed through on what he believed in. I will forever admire him.
Looking forward, I'm anticipating great things for 2011. I'm focusing on loving myself more and getting in shape simply for health reasons. I'm also going to move out. Hallelujah! It's time. I'm going to go to school and I'm going to set myself up for the rest of my life. There is no going back from here. There is no waiting until I can. There is here and now and what lies in front of me. And I plan on taking full advantage of that.
Happy New Year!
Friday, December 31, 2010
Saturday, December 11, 2010
We're having a little problem with our entry sequence
We may experience some slight...turbulence and then...explode! Hahaha Love that movie!
Well, it's been 5 months since I last posted anything, so I figured I may as well. I need to write anyway. I haven't taken enough time to do that lately. Not that I'm so incredibly busy, I just haven't sat down and written. My journal is definitely calling my name.
Alright. So...to update. The last time I blogged was July. Lots of things have happened and not happened since then. For starters, work. I am now working the 3rd shift at Dyncorp and I am not lovin it. I work three 12 hour shifts and one 4 hour shift. The 12's are Thursday, Friday, and Saturday, and the 4 is Sunday. While I had no life to begin with, any hope of creating one is now gone. Plus, I work on Sunday. Not exactly what I wanted to do. I'm being pushed past my limit with certain things at work and it's beginning to take a toll. I still enjoy learning and helping people and interacting with people, but I had an ah hah moment. More on that later. As it stands, I'm ok with where work stands to a degree, but that's all I'll say. Vague enough? ;)
Moving on. I actually just got back from vacation. I went to Utah to visit my cousins and brothers and had a blast. I visited so many people, spent so much money, and just relaxed. It was perfect. I should not be allowed vacations however, because I don't want to go back to reality. Traveling is officially my drug. I'm addicted and wish I could do more. I reconnected with two people who were very important in my life and who I hadn't seen in literally years. That was beyond fun. Catching up with Cathy and Cassidy was a ball and a half. I hope that I can maintain those friendships and keep them a little closer from here on out. It would be a shame to lose such awesome people again. (Thank heaven for FB) ;)
Ok. So, here's what I mean by ah hah moment. Anyone that knows me knows the type of person I am. I do very little to hide my personality and my beliefs. I have a tendency to care for people no one else "appears" to be caring for. Yeah. It's not always a good thing. The problem is that I see what people can be and not what they are as they're standing in front of me. That's been the cause of so much of my own personal issues throughout my life. I've known that for a long time. I also provide for many people on several different levels. I am a provider financially for some, emotionally for a great many, and logically for a few others. During all of this, I take little thought for myself. Bring in the ah hah moment.
I drove to and from Utah by myself. That's a lot of time to think. It's a 21 hour drive straight through. I stopped in Denver to sleep on the way home and visited with Cassidy for most of the night. The next day, I had a conversation with myself. Before you ask, yes. I was talking to myself out loud imagining different people reacting to what I'd say. My ah hah moment came when everyone I thought of asked me if I was happy. I have been forcing myself to be happy with what I have for years. I wouldn't let myself admit that I wasn't because I would be ungrateful if I did. Guess what. The light clicked on.
Being happy doesn't mean you should accept what you have all the time. For me, being happy is moving on with my life. I'm 25, I live at home, I work at a job I don't want to be at the rest of my life, I haven't started school, I'm not dating, and I'm generally...what's the word I'm looking for?...unhappy! I spend a great deal of time trying to help other people and better their lives. Why am I so unwilling to do the same for myself? I advise so many of my friends not to settle for anything less than what they truly deserve. Why am I so willing to let myself believe I deserve less than anyone else? Why am I so willing to forget that I deserve to be happy just like everyone else?
Wanna know the answer I came up with?...Just this: Cause I'm a retard. My ah hah moment consisted of me deciding that I'm not going to live my life for other people anymore. I'm still going to help where I can with what I can, but not at the cost of my own happiness. I tell half truths to avoid fights with people. Not anymore. I smile and try to be positive when my heart is screaming cause it hurts so much. That's not happening anymore. I deserve to be happy, just like everyone else. So I'm going to live for me. I've turned my focus to trying to find ways to get me where I need to be to be happy.
So...bring on the research. After I discovered the switch to that ah hah/eureka moment, I immediately started to think of ways to facilitate these changes I so desperately need. First up, I'm moving out. I'm 25 years old and I live with my parents. I wouldn't have such a problem with living rent free and having food provided and all that jazz, but I have a curfew. Yes, you read that right. I need to be on my own with my own rules. I don't know where I'm moving out too, but I've narrowed it to two places...I think. While I was in Colorado for those few hours, I got infected. I miss the mountains and I don't want to go back to Utah. It's halfway between Utah and Texas...ish...and I don't know anyone but Cassidy. That, to me, is beyond perfect. I am also considering moving into a house here. I wouldn't be able to do either without roommates as I have a dog and will need a house with a yard, but that's what the plan is. I'm planning for May at the earliest so I have time to figure something out and find what works best for me.
I'm also going to apply to school. My May timetable puts the date out far enough that I can take a semester of school in the meantime, which I fully intend to do. Registering for classes should be interesting, but that's my life.
All in all, I'm happier with just planning how to find my own happiness than I have been since....heaven knows when. Excited? Yeah...that would be me.
Well, it's been 5 months since I last posted anything, so I figured I may as well. I need to write anyway. I haven't taken enough time to do that lately. Not that I'm so incredibly busy, I just haven't sat down and written. My journal is definitely calling my name.
Alright. So...to update. The last time I blogged was July. Lots of things have happened and not happened since then. For starters, work. I am now working the 3rd shift at Dyncorp and I am not lovin it. I work three 12 hour shifts and one 4 hour shift. The 12's are Thursday, Friday, and Saturday, and the 4 is Sunday. While I had no life to begin with, any hope of creating one is now gone. Plus, I work on Sunday. Not exactly what I wanted to do. I'm being pushed past my limit with certain things at work and it's beginning to take a toll. I still enjoy learning and helping people and interacting with people, but I had an ah hah moment. More on that later. As it stands, I'm ok with where work stands to a degree, but that's all I'll say. Vague enough? ;)
Moving on. I actually just got back from vacation. I went to Utah to visit my cousins and brothers and had a blast. I visited so many people, spent so much money, and just relaxed. It was perfect. I should not be allowed vacations however, because I don't want to go back to reality. Traveling is officially my drug. I'm addicted and wish I could do more. I reconnected with two people who were very important in my life and who I hadn't seen in literally years. That was beyond fun. Catching up with Cathy and Cassidy was a ball and a half. I hope that I can maintain those friendships and keep them a little closer from here on out. It would be a shame to lose such awesome people again. (Thank heaven for FB) ;)
Ok. So, here's what I mean by ah hah moment. Anyone that knows me knows the type of person I am. I do very little to hide my personality and my beliefs. I have a tendency to care for people no one else "appears" to be caring for. Yeah. It's not always a good thing. The problem is that I see what people can be and not what they are as they're standing in front of me. That's been the cause of so much of my own personal issues throughout my life. I've known that for a long time. I also provide for many people on several different levels. I am a provider financially for some, emotionally for a great many, and logically for a few others. During all of this, I take little thought for myself. Bring in the ah hah moment.
I drove to and from Utah by myself. That's a lot of time to think. It's a 21 hour drive straight through. I stopped in Denver to sleep on the way home and visited with Cassidy for most of the night. The next day, I had a conversation with myself. Before you ask, yes. I was talking to myself out loud imagining different people reacting to what I'd say. My ah hah moment came when everyone I thought of asked me if I was happy. I have been forcing myself to be happy with what I have for years. I wouldn't let myself admit that I wasn't because I would be ungrateful if I did. Guess what. The light clicked on.
Being happy doesn't mean you should accept what you have all the time. For me, being happy is moving on with my life. I'm 25, I live at home, I work at a job I don't want to be at the rest of my life, I haven't started school, I'm not dating, and I'm generally...what's the word I'm looking for?...unhappy! I spend a great deal of time trying to help other people and better their lives. Why am I so unwilling to do the same for myself? I advise so many of my friends not to settle for anything less than what they truly deserve. Why am I so willing to let myself believe I deserve less than anyone else? Why am I so willing to forget that I deserve to be happy just like everyone else?
Wanna know the answer I came up with?...Just this: Cause I'm a retard. My ah hah moment consisted of me deciding that I'm not going to live my life for other people anymore. I'm still going to help where I can with what I can, but not at the cost of my own happiness. I tell half truths to avoid fights with people. Not anymore. I smile and try to be positive when my heart is screaming cause it hurts so much. That's not happening anymore. I deserve to be happy, just like everyone else. So I'm going to live for me. I've turned my focus to trying to find ways to get me where I need to be to be happy.
So...bring on the research. After I discovered the switch to that ah hah/eureka moment, I immediately started to think of ways to facilitate these changes I so desperately need. First up, I'm moving out. I'm 25 years old and I live with my parents. I wouldn't have such a problem with living rent free and having food provided and all that jazz, but I have a curfew. Yes, you read that right. I need to be on my own with my own rules. I don't know where I'm moving out too, but I've narrowed it to two places...I think. While I was in Colorado for those few hours, I got infected. I miss the mountains and I don't want to go back to Utah. It's halfway between Utah and Texas...ish...and I don't know anyone but Cassidy. That, to me, is beyond perfect. I am also considering moving into a house here. I wouldn't be able to do either without roommates as I have a dog and will need a house with a yard, but that's what the plan is. I'm planning for May at the earliest so I have time to figure something out and find what works best for me.
I'm also going to apply to school. My May timetable puts the date out far enough that I can take a semester of school in the meantime, which I fully intend to do. Registering for classes should be interesting, but that's my life.
All in all, I'm happier with just planning how to find my own happiness than I have been since....heaven knows when. Excited? Yeah...that would be me.
Thursday, July 15, 2010
...just a small town girl, livin in a lonely world...
Well, I think it's well past time for an update. Interesting how life seems to get in the way of things like blogging sometimes. Especially when the blog is just about me. Haha
Life is interesting. I've been presented with a few challenges the past few weeks that have been difficult for me to handle in a way that's different from anything else I've been through...but not so much that I couldn't deal with it.
My life is going well. I'm still not where I want to be on a lot of levels, but I'm working towards it. I still work for Dyncorp on the IT Service Desk which is still fun for me. I have my days where I'd rather shoot myself than go to work, but they are few and far between. I'm still learning a lot about the IT world and it's very interesting to me. I love being able to know more and teach other people.
Physically, I've been better. I'm still dealing with weight issues and had another problem at the beginning of June. I ended up in the ER with some pretty intense abdominal pain. Turns out, after some incredible pain meds and an ultrasound, I had gallstones. Luckily, my gall bladder wasn't infected so I didn't have to have emergency surgery. Still, after that "attack", I was out of work for two days. I scheduled surgery for June 28th not really remembering that my family would be out of town. :-/ So, on June 28th, my friend Justin Wright took me to the hospital and I had my gall bladder removed. Recovery didn't really take as long as I was expecting and I was walking around just fine the same day. I've been fairly healthy since then. Aside from the weight issues I mean.
I still play the piano in the singles ward. It's getting a little old. I don't have much else to do so I get bored with things there. Knowing my luck, that's probably something I'm supposed to be learning from though.
So today has been a little difficult for me. I stumbled onto something online that I was not anticipating or prepared for. When I saw it, I felt like I'd been punched in the gut. I had nearly been a part of something that would have hurt so many people. Seeing the way things are now and knowing how they were, I'm physically sick to my stomach. It breaks my heart to realize how big of an influence I have on certain people. My game used to be to see how much power I had over people...men in particular. After the adoption, I spiralled a little. Not nearly as much as I could, but more than almost anyone knows. I was not in a good place. I literally used to hook up with guys just to see how much I could control them...and I was very good at it. This thing that I found was evidence of some of the damage I could have done. Granted, I didn't allow things to progress to a point that was permanently damaging to these other people, but I definitely damaged myself.
I don't know. I have been pushing towards being happy for so long it's difficult to deal with a slide in the opposite direction. I know it's momentary and that I will find my feet again soon, but I don't like having to go over the same things.
On an emotional level, I'm doing better. I feel better about myself and have a lot more confidence than I've had before. I can feel pieces of me falling away and being replaced by things much stronger and much less prone to breaking. I am growing into a woman that knows who she is and what she's worth. And that's a plus. Living in fear of my own capabilities is stupid and ridiculous. Being afraid of what I can do is the least of my worries. There are more important things to do and living my life is one of them.
I am definitely glad I have people in my life willing to look past my shortcomings and push me to be who I should be.
Life is interesting. I've been presented with a few challenges the past few weeks that have been difficult for me to handle in a way that's different from anything else I've been through...but not so much that I couldn't deal with it.
My life is going well. I'm still not where I want to be on a lot of levels, but I'm working towards it. I still work for Dyncorp on the IT Service Desk which is still fun for me. I have my days where I'd rather shoot myself than go to work, but they are few and far between. I'm still learning a lot about the IT world and it's very interesting to me. I love being able to know more and teach other people.
Physically, I've been better. I'm still dealing with weight issues and had another problem at the beginning of June. I ended up in the ER with some pretty intense abdominal pain. Turns out, after some incredible pain meds and an ultrasound, I had gallstones. Luckily, my gall bladder wasn't infected so I didn't have to have emergency surgery. Still, after that "attack", I was out of work for two days. I scheduled surgery for June 28th not really remembering that my family would be out of town. :-/ So, on June 28th, my friend Justin Wright took me to the hospital and I had my gall bladder removed. Recovery didn't really take as long as I was expecting and I was walking around just fine the same day. I've been fairly healthy since then. Aside from the weight issues I mean.
I still play the piano in the singles ward. It's getting a little old. I don't have much else to do so I get bored with things there. Knowing my luck, that's probably something I'm supposed to be learning from though.
So today has been a little difficult for me. I stumbled onto something online that I was not anticipating or prepared for. When I saw it, I felt like I'd been punched in the gut. I had nearly been a part of something that would have hurt so many people. Seeing the way things are now and knowing how they were, I'm physically sick to my stomach. It breaks my heart to realize how big of an influence I have on certain people. My game used to be to see how much power I had over people...men in particular. After the adoption, I spiralled a little. Not nearly as much as I could, but more than almost anyone knows. I was not in a good place. I literally used to hook up with guys just to see how much I could control them...and I was very good at it. This thing that I found was evidence of some of the damage I could have done. Granted, I didn't allow things to progress to a point that was permanently damaging to these other people, but I definitely damaged myself.
I don't know. I have been pushing towards being happy for so long it's difficult to deal with a slide in the opposite direction. I know it's momentary and that I will find my feet again soon, but I don't like having to go over the same things.
On an emotional level, I'm doing better. I feel better about myself and have a lot more confidence than I've had before. I can feel pieces of me falling away and being replaced by things much stronger and much less prone to breaking. I am growing into a woman that knows who she is and what she's worth. And that's a plus. Living in fear of my own capabilities is stupid and ridiculous. Being afraid of what I can do is the least of my worries. There are more important things to do and living my life is one of them.
I am definitely glad I have people in my life willing to look past my shortcomings and push me to be who I should be.
Thursday, February 4, 2010
One month down
As I get older, time seems to get continually faster. I feel it slipping away from me as much as I felt it drag on and on when I was younger. It's ironic how when we get to this stage in our lives we want time to slow down whereas when we were younger, we couldn't wait to grow up and for time to go faster. Silly kids.
Life is good. I'm happy with the way things are going. As always, there are things to be improved upon, but once again that will take care of itself with time and effort. Internally, emotionally, mentally...I'm doing wonderful. Like everyone, I have days where I would rather stay in bed and do nothing. I have days where I'm sad and feel as though I'm burdened with a weight I can't handle...but those days don't last forever. So, as a whole, things are going well. :)
I'm finally a permanent employee at Dyncorp which entitles me to all the benefits and time off and stuff that comes with it. Yes. This is me excited about that. I've been hoping and praying for this to happen since I was brought in as a contractor. I love the job and the people I work with are great people. They are so willing to help me figure out exactly what I'm doing...which is nice since half the time I have no idea what I'm doing!
I spend most of my time at home. I've definitely done a 180 from a few years ago. I don't like going places as much anymore. I'm so much more comfortable staying at home and being either with my family or by myself. I'm not exactly sure what is going on but, I don't necessarily mind it. On Fridays and Saturdays it bothers me, but most of the time, I don't care. Part of my problem I think is that I have such a hard time doing things other people like to do. I feel like I'm just over the hanging out and doing randomly silly things stage. I feel like there are so many other things I could be doing that I don't really want to do anything else. I think I'm also still rather self conscious and some of the things my friends want to do don't make me feel the most comfortable. I don't know.
I'm still trying to write and edit whenever I have time. It's kind of interesting how far this thing has come from when I started four and a half years ago. It's almost not even the same story. I like it though. I read over it and I can't help but be amazed that something that cool sounding came out of my brain. It's still quite an adventure for me. Even if no one else likes it, I am in love with my characters and my world and the adventures they're having. It's a rush and addicting to read it. I know that sounds conceited, but that's not how I mean it at all. I just know I was blessed with the ability to tell amazing stories and I'm still shocked over it.
I'm researching what it would take for me to get out of the house again. This time though, I need to rent a house. I have to take my dog with me and I can't do that in an apartment. Not real sure how I'm going to manage this, but I'm looking into it. Hopefully, I'll have something figured out before too much longer.
This is my friend Lina, Ali, and my friend Jake. We went to take random pictures one night cause we were bored. Let me tell ya, interesting night!
Ali knows exactly how much I hate to have a nose touch me...so she buried hers in my hair!
Jake and Justin are two of my favorite guys. They are literally there for me even when I don't know that I need them yet.
Haha This photo is a year old, but we were all gettin ready to go play volleyball. We used to hang out all the time!
Me, Whitlee, Big Mike, and Josh. Josh and Whitlee are getting married in a week and a half! Crazy. Let me tell ya...
Josh, Whitlee, and me when we went on a random trip to Dallas. We were walking and I couldn't resist.
We took random pictures with a big group of people right after Remi got out of his MOS school and Ali, Whitlee, and I attacked him. 
Ali took a dance class in the spring last year and I went to her recital. She definitely got big hugs and kisses afterwards.
We went bowling with my brother and his in-laws who also happen to be Whitlee's family. Whitlee stole my camera and just started taking pictures.
And now there is no doubt where Whitlee gets her sillies from. :) That's her dad.
This is mine and Ali's friend Jarom. We used to go to Firehouse Subs every Monday before FHE and decided to take pictures one day. This is the result.
Two awesome girls. Kelsey and Allison. We went to the zoo after cleaning the church. That was a really good day.
This is part of the group that went.
Allison, Emily, Kelsey, and me. All the girls at the zoo.
Another random picture night. Kelsey, Adam, and Justin tryin to be cowboys...hahaha
The guys that went with us. Mikhail, Justin, Jake, Seth, Adam, and Ed. They were showin off their girly styles. :)
We went to Golden Corral and Seth decided to be Seth. :)
Haha Remi literally went head to head with the bull in the Southlake Towne Centre. Bull v Marine? I'm bettin Marine. That's all for now. As you can see, my life is very full. :)
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