Well, no one can say 2010 wasn't a good year. So much has happened to me and my friends and family. It's making me smile just thinking about it.
For starters, I was hired full time at the very beginning of the year. That definitely set a tone for it to be just awesome. And it has been. It's been a fairly good ride this year and I'm happy with the results. There are always things I wish I'd accomplished, but I'm not dead yet. I'm not even close.
Last year, I wrote a post and included what I wanted for 2010. I kept it to three things that I thought were relatively easy to actually follow through with. In a way, I've done that. I wanted confidence, especially in my relationships. I've achieved that. I can talk to anyone. I do it for a living.
I wanted to be able to finish Hope and Ashes. Haven't accomplished that entirely, but I figured out how. I cleared my writers block and am back to progressing with a truly wonderful story. I've had a few people read my final draft of what I've edited so far and the response has been very positive. I'm excited to be able to put it in book form and hand it to my nephews, sister, friend, and anyone else who wants it.
The last thing I wanted was to find love...and boy did I accomplish that in an odd way. I wanted to find a love that would last me through eternity...and I did. No. I'm not engaged. I'm still not even really dating. What do you mean then, Kati? is probably what you're asking yourself. I mean this: I found me. I wanted a love worth dying for and God showed me a mirror. I have spent a great deal of my life under the firm belief that I don't matter as much as other people. He showed me differently. I may not be where I need to in all aspects of my life, but I'm beautiful and amazing and so blessed with talents and gifts and possessions and people in my life. I have discovered these things, but more importantly, I believe them. I have told people, my mom in particular, that they could not change the events of my life...because I did not want to change my life's path. You cannot change someone. The way one sees him/herself will not change until one wants it to change, no matter how you try to bribe or convince.
All in all, it's been a great year. That's not saying it has been all sunshine and roses. There's been a lot of growing pains involved with everything that's transpired in my life and this year was no different. There were fights and arguments and tears and heartache. In August, a friend of mine was killed in Afghanistan when the vehicle he was in flipped after hitting a roadside bomb. He was the gunner and the obvious result was his death. That hit me a lot harder than I was anticipating. Benjamen Chisholm had a personality I've envied for many years. He lived life with a go hard or go home attitude and he loved almost everyone. He always took care of the people around him. At the memorial service we held for him in Fort Worth, several of his friends repeated something that will stick with me forever. They said that he told them that he could not live with himself if someone else died because he wasn't there...and he lived up to that. He followed through on what he believed in. I will forever admire him.
Looking forward, I'm anticipating great things for 2011. I'm focusing on loving myself more and getting in shape simply for health reasons. I'm also going to move out. Hallelujah! It's time. I'm going to go to school and I'm going to set myself up for the rest of my life. There is no going back from here. There is no waiting until I can. There is here and now and what lies in front of me. And I plan on taking full advantage of that.
Happy New Year!
Friday, December 31, 2010
Saturday, December 11, 2010
We're having a little problem with our entry sequence
We may experience some slight...turbulence and then...explode! Hahaha Love that movie!
Well, it's been 5 months since I last posted anything, so I figured I may as well. I need to write anyway. I haven't taken enough time to do that lately. Not that I'm so incredibly busy, I just haven't sat down and written. My journal is definitely calling my name.
Alright. So...to update. The last time I blogged was July. Lots of things have happened and not happened since then. For starters, work. I am now working the 3rd shift at Dyncorp and I am not lovin it. I work three 12 hour shifts and one 4 hour shift. The 12's are Thursday, Friday, and Saturday, and the 4 is Sunday. While I had no life to begin with, any hope of creating one is now gone. Plus, I work on Sunday. Not exactly what I wanted to do. I'm being pushed past my limit with certain things at work and it's beginning to take a toll. I still enjoy learning and helping people and interacting with people, but I had an ah hah moment. More on that later. As it stands, I'm ok with where work stands to a degree, but that's all I'll say. Vague enough? ;)
Moving on. I actually just got back from vacation. I went to Utah to visit my cousins and brothers and had a blast. I visited so many people, spent so much money, and just relaxed. It was perfect. I should not be allowed vacations however, because I don't want to go back to reality. Traveling is officially my drug. I'm addicted and wish I could do more. I reconnected with two people who were very important in my life and who I hadn't seen in literally years. That was beyond fun. Catching up with Cathy and Cassidy was a ball and a half. I hope that I can maintain those friendships and keep them a little closer from here on out. It would be a shame to lose such awesome people again. (Thank heaven for FB) ;)
Ok. So, here's what I mean by ah hah moment. Anyone that knows me knows the type of person I am. I do very little to hide my personality and my beliefs. I have a tendency to care for people no one else "appears" to be caring for. Yeah. It's not always a good thing. The problem is that I see what people can be and not what they are as they're standing in front of me. That's been the cause of so much of my own personal issues throughout my life. I've known that for a long time. I also provide for many people on several different levels. I am a provider financially for some, emotionally for a great many, and logically for a few others. During all of this, I take little thought for myself. Bring in the ah hah moment.
I drove to and from Utah by myself. That's a lot of time to think. It's a 21 hour drive straight through. I stopped in Denver to sleep on the way home and visited with Cassidy for most of the night. The next day, I had a conversation with myself. Before you ask, yes. I was talking to myself out loud imagining different people reacting to what I'd say. My ah hah moment came when everyone I thought of asked me if I was happy. I have been forcing myself to be happy with what I have for years. I wouldn't let myself admit that I wasn't because I would be ungrateful if I did. Guess what. The light clicked on.
Being happy doesn't mean you should accept what you have all the time. For me, being happy is moving on with my life. I'm 25, I live at home, I work at a job I don't want to be at the rest of my life, I haven't started school, I'm not dating, and I'm generally...what's the word I'm looking for?...unhappy! I spend a great deal of time trying to help other people and better their lives. Why am I so unwilling to do the same for myself? I advise so many of my friends not to settle for anything less than what they truly deserve. Why am I so willing to let myself believe I deserve less than anyone else? Why am I so willing to forget that I deserve to be happy just like everyone else?
Wanna know the answer I came up with?...Just this: Cause I'm a retard. My ah hah moment consisted of me deciding that I'm not going to live my life for other people anymore. I'm still going to help where I can with what I can, but not at the cost of my own happiness. I tell half truths to avoid fights with people. Not anymore. I smile and try to be positive when my heart is screaming cause it hurts so much. That's not happening anymore. I deserve to be happy, just like everyone else. So I'm going to live for me. I've turned my focus to trying to find ways to get me where I need to be to be happy.
So...bring on the research. After I discovered the switch to that ah hah/eureka moment, I immediately started to think of ways to facilitate these changes I so desperately need. First up, I'm moving out. I'm 25 years old and I live with my parents. I wouldn't have such a problem with living rent free and having food provided and all that jazz, but I have a curfew. Yes, you read that right. I need to be on my own with my own rules. I don't know where I'm moving out too, but I've narrowed it to two places...I think. While I was in Colorado for those few hours, I got infected. I miss the mountains and I don't want to go back to Utah. It's halfway between Utah and Texas...ish...and I don't know anyone but Cassidy. That, to me, is beyond perfect. I am also considering moving into a house here. I wouldn't be able to do either without roommates as I have a dog and will need a house with a yard, but that's what the plan is. I'm planning for May at the earliest so I have time to figure something out and find what works best for me.
I'm also going to apply to school. My May timetable puts the date out far enough that I can take a semester of school in the meantime, which I fully intend to do. Registering for classes should be interesting, but that's my life.
All in all, I'm happier with just planning how to find my own happiness than I have been since....heaven knows when. Excited? Yeah...that would be me.
Well, it's been 5 months since I last posted anything, so I figured I may as well. I need to write anyway. I haven't taken enough time to do that lately. Not that I'm so incredibly busy, I just haven't sat down and written. My journal is definitely calling my name.
Alright. So...to update. The last time I blogged was July. Lots of things have happened and not happened since then. For starters, work. I am now working the 3rd shift at Dyncorp and I am not lovin it. I work three 12 hour shifts and one 4 hour shift. The 12's are Thursday, Friday, and Saturday, and the 4 is Sunday. While I had no life to begin with, any hope of creating one is now gone. Plus, I work on Sunday. Not exactly what I wanted to do. I'm being pushed past my limit with certain things at work and it's beginning to take a toll. I still enjoy learning and helping people and interacting with people, but I had an ah hah moment. More on that later. As it stands, I'm ok with where work stands to a degree, but that's all I'll say. Vague enough? ;)
Moving on. I actually just got back from vacation. I went to Utah to visit my cousins and brothers and had a blast. I visited so many people, spent so much money, and just relaxed. It was perfect. I should not be allowed vacations however, because I don't want to go back to reality. Traveling is officially my drug. I'm addicted and wish I could do more. I reconnected with two people who were very important in my life and who I hadn't seen in literally years. That was beyond fun. Catching up with Cathy and Cassidy was a ball and a half. I hope that I can maintain those friendships and keep them a little closer from here on out. It would be a shame to lose such awesome people again. (Thank heaven for FB) ;)
Ok. So, here's what I mean by ah hah moment. Anyone that knows me knows the type of person I am. I do very little to hide my personality and my beliefs. I have a tendency to care for people no one else "appears" to be caring for. Yeah. It's not always a good thing. The problem is that I see what people can be and not what they are as they're standing in front of me. That's been the cause of so much of my own personal issues throughout my life. I've known that for a long time. I also provide for many people on several different levels. I am a provider financially for some, emotionally for a great many, and logically for a few others. During all of this, I take little thought for myself. Bring in the ah hah moment.
I drove to and from Utah by myself. That's a lot of time to think. It's a 21 hour drive straight through. I stopped in Denver to sleep on the way home and visited with Cassidy for most of the night. The next day, I had a conversation with myself. Before you ask, yes. I was talking to myself out loud imagining different people reacting to what I'd say. My ah hah moment came when everyone I thought of asked me if I was happy. I have been forcing myself to be happy with what I have for years. I wouldn't let myself admit that I wasn't because I would be ungrateful if I did. Guess what. The light clicked on.
Being happy doesn't mean you should accept what you have all the time. For me, being happy is moving on with my life. I'm 25, I live at home, I work at a job I don't want to be at the rest of my life, I haven't started school, I'm not dating, and I'm generally...what's the word I'm looking for?...unhappy! I spend a great deal of time trying to help other people and better their lives. Why am I so unwilling to do the same for myself? I advise so many of my friends not to settle for anything less than what they truly deserve. Why am I so willing to let myself believe I deserve less than anyone else? Why am I so willing to forget that I deserve to be happy just like everyone else?
Wanna know the answer I came up with?...Just this: Cause I'm a retard. My ah hah moment consisted of me deciding that I'm not going to live my life for other people anymore. I'm still going to help where I can with what I can, but not at the cost of my own happiness. I tell half truths to avoid fights with people. Not anymore. I smile and try to be positive when my heart is screaming cause it hurts so much. That's not happening anymore. I deserve to be happy, just like everyone else. So I'm going to live for me. I've turned my focus to trying to find ways to get me where I need to be to be happy.
So...bring on the research. After I discovered the switch to that ah hah/eureka moment, I immediately started to think of ways to facilitate these changes I so desperately need. First up, I'm moving out. I'm 25 years old and I live with my parents. I wouldn't have such a problem with living rent free and having food provided and all that jazz, but I have a curfew. Yes, you read that right. I need to be on my own with my own rules. I don't know where I'm moving out too, but I've narrowed it to two places...I think. While I was in Colorado for those few hours, I got infected. I miss the mountains and I don't want to go back to Utah. It's halfway between Utah and Texas...ish...and I don't know anyone but Cassidy. That, to me, is beyond perfect. I am also considering moving into a house here. I wouldn't be able to do either without roommates as I have a dog and will need a house with a yard, but that's what the plan is. I'm planning for May at the earliest so I have time to figure something out and find what works best for me.
I'm also going to apply to school. My May timetable puts the date out far enough that I can take a semester of school in the meantime, which I fully intend to do. Registering for classes should be interesting, but that's my life.
All in all, I'm happier with just planning how to find my own happiness than I have been since....heaven knows when. Excited? Yeah...that would be me.
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