*sigh*

I've been meaning to post again for a few days. I didn't think I'd have to post about something like this. Until I was old and wrinkled.

I work a crazy schedule. I wake up on my work days at 11:30 at night. Today, I woke up and was getting ready to shower when I heard a knock on my door. Mom poked her head in and said she had some sad news. I was still waking up so I didn't really process what she'd said. She then proceeded to tell me that my uncle had been killed in some sort of motor vehicular accident. She said he'd been killed and I lost track of everything else. My hearing went fuzzy. When I saw she'd stopped talking, I told her my cousin had had her baby boy that afternoon. I couldn't even muster a smile.

Here I am, five and a half hours later, and I'm finding myself tearing up once again. The tears have fallen once or twice since she told me, but not every time. I just can't believe it.

When mom told me my uncle had died, my first thought was literally, "This isn't a very funny joke to tell someone who's waking up to go work a 12 hour shift." That thought was followed by This doesn't happen to my family, What about his kids?, How're his kids going to handle this?, How are my grandparents and the rest of my extended family handling this?, How's his wife, Aunt Donna, handling this?, I wonder how my dad will handle it, and several other things.

My family, both immediate and extended, have been through a lot. We've had: three cops, two on one side one on the other; four military recruits; several out of country moves; a great deal of illness; a few divorces; and a lot of hurt physically, mentally, and emotionally. I guess, with all of that, I kind of though we were indestructible. This uncle in particular was one I thought could live through anything. Imagine my shock and heartache at hearing he was killed doing something he'd done many times in his life.

Over the last several hours, I've wanted to scream and shout and cry and fall to pieces. He won't be at his kids weddings. He won't get to be there for his grandchildren. He won't grow old with his wife.

In the mormon religion, we say our understanding of death and the afterlife makes it easier to cope and move on. For someone like me, with a heart the size of Texas, my knowledge of the afterlife does nothing for the immediate sorrow and ache associated with losing a loved one. I just don't understand and need to have my time to grieve.

I read a book series by Chris Stewart called the Great and Terrible. The first book is about a family in the preexistence right before Lucifer and the third host of heaven were cast out. One of the characters makes a comment towards the end of the book that has been on my mind the passed few minutes. She says something to the effect of we're so sad that we have to leave heaven for Earth when we're born, but when we die, we fight so hard to stay here and those of us left behind grieve mourne the loss for years sometimes. I don't think I'll mourn my uncle for years. I'm sure I will have moments, years from now, when I remember him and feel that sadness again. I also know I will remember the times I spent with him that were pleasant memories.

Like the time I was living in Utah and he and my grandparents took me to the Idaho State Fair when I went to visit. I was missing home and wanted to spend time with my grandparents. I was very happy my uncle came with us because he reminds me a great deal of my dad. Growing up, I could never tell if it was my dad or one of his brothers calling because they sound very similar and have the same vocal inflections sometimes. On more than one occasion, my uncles have stepped up when my dad hasn't been able to be there.

I don't know the secret to a perfect life on this earth. I don't know how to tell someone to be happy. I don't know how to live a life devoid of pain. I do know that family is the tie that binds. I also know that there is no good that can come from putting off until tomorrow what can be accomplished today. So I'm going to make sure the people I love know that I love them and that I do what I can to be the best person I can be and live the best and most fulfilled life I can live.


And at the end of today, I'll still be hurting...but I'll hurt because I love and miss my uncle and I love and want to comfort my cousins. That is a love I hope I earn in my own life.