It's really kind of interesting to look at a year in retrospect and see things happen from this side. I started 2009 very optomistically. This year, I was going to learn and grow in ways I hadn't yet. I had every intention of stretching myself beyond my limit and truly finding who I am. I think I've succeeded for the most part. Here's a list of what I feel I accomplished:
1. I have grown closer to my Heavenly Father in a way I didn't think was possible for a long time. My understanding of Him and the things He wants for me has increased. With that came an increased ability to see His hand in my life. I spent a lot of time looking at things occuring in my life from the outside and was blessed with an understanding of many things.
2. I have shed much of my former self. I have outgrown my insecurities and can take care of myself now. I'm more quick to stand up for myself and I am recognizing and avoiding situations that would otherwise harm me. The woman that is emerging underneath the dirt and grime is a much more beautiful person than I originally thought and it's exciting.
3. I have made many new friends just as much as I have lost many old ones. My ability to cope with that change has increased. I still have difficulty with the idea of losing people I care about, but my turn around time has become so much better.
These are just things I can see. I'm sure there are other things I've accomplishied this year, but those are the ones that come to mind most readily. This is what I want to accomplish for 2010:
1. I would like to be more confident where relationships with the opposite sex are concerned. Part of that will come with improving my physical image, but I will forever be shocked when a man is interested in me. Especially when that man is as good as some of them are.
2. I would like to finally finish Hope and Ashes. There's so much editing still to do, but I'm confident I can get through it. Maybe then I'll be able to stop working and go to school and write for a living.
3. I would like to find love. Even if it doesn't last the way I want it to, I want to find someone who not only doesn't care about my past, but encourages me to be and think and do better. That's more of a wish than an actual desire. That's like me saying, "Ok, Lord. I'm going to trust your timing, but it would be really nice if you would send some form of prince charming my way." Or, "Lord, you've sent him to me, but he's not really getting it. Could you, ya know, strike him with lightening or something? Give him an epiphany and help him understand what's happening?" Silly, but that's me.
I'm excited to say goodbye to another year. It's been an eventful one for me and I'm excited for the new year. Things are going to get better and I just can't wait for it. God's blessed me with so much, I cannot wait to see what He has in store for me in 2010. Hopefully, everyone is as fortunate. This is what I imagine a letter to Him from me would say right now:
Dear God,
The things you've done for me this year have been incredible. I can't thank you enough for showing me what you have. I know I'm truly blessed and I'm so grateful for the lessons I've learned. Thank you for loving me when it felt like no one else would. I need to ask for a special blessing. You know what's in my heart and you know what I would like, but it would make me feel better to at least type it if not say it out loud. There's been so much hurt this year. Please heal just a little bit of it. Hearts and lives have been shattered and dreams have died. People's paths have changed. Help them to recover and find the way. Help them to discover what it means to live and love again. Don't let them fall into a hole. If you need me to, I'm willing to do whatever you need me too to help those that I can. I understand that you had me go through what I did so that I would be in a position to help others through what they have to go through. Please point me in the direction I'm needed the most and help me know what to say and do. We are all in so much need of you these days. Please let me help. Please let me be what you need me to be and help me put smiles on the faces of those whose hearts are weighed down and shattered. Help me help them find the pieces and some super glue so we can all be blessed with more smiles and love.
Love always,
Kati
Happy New Year
Thursday, December 31, 2009
Monday, December 7, 2009
Life is good...
The title of this post pretty much says it all. I'm so excited for the holidays. The season has invaded my heart. I love Christmas. I love the traditions we have as a family and I love the general feeling of love the world has for each other. There is so much goodness in people and I'm glad that at least once a year, we can put aside our differences and just be. I wish we could have it be all year long, but human nature dictates that that is not necessarily impossible, but highly unlikely. Nevertheless, the facts don't change my love of Christmas.
Things in my life have been pluggin along at a good pace. I'm working at DynCorp again and it's soooo much better than three years ago. I love where I work and who I work with and that makes all the difference. There are quite a few wonderful people on my team that I just adore. There's always the people who like to make life difficult, but I'm handling things quite well. I like what I do. I'm the official Terminator. Hahaha People ask what I do and before I have a chance to say anything my coworkers speak up and tell them I'm a Terminator. The looks I get are pretty dang funny.
My personal life is going better. I'm figuring out how to make and keep myself happy and it's exhilirating. I am relying more and more on myself. The desperate need for approval from other people isn't as important as it used to be. I am learning to be happy with me and that's enough.
Remi is moving home apparently. He is anticipating either being sent to Afghanistan with DynCorp or going active duty in the Marine Corps. He's moving home in anticipation of leaving his stuff here. He was supposed to move home two days ago, but apparently we're bickering...which is news to me. He should be home in the next few days though. He and mom have apparently formulated a plan that I have no choice in. He told me that the days he's not running, we will be going walking. My battle with my weight, which isn't really a battle so much as me continually saying I'm going to war with it and then doing nothing, is driving him insane. He has been wanting to get me to go with him for a while and I just keep refusing. I'm going to try and start a competition with one of the guys at work though so I'm hoping Remi will give me more help. I would like to learn how to fight actually. I don't even know how to defend myself and my track record with creepers is such that it would probably be a smart thing.
One of these days, I will learn how to control my heart instead of allowing it to control me. I keep having to go through this particular lesson and it's still not sinking in. I can't even really say I'm getting better at control because I'm not. When I find something to love, I love hard. The consequence is I fall flat on my face and my face connects with the floor and breaks my nose. The break is intense and by now my nose is so crooked and screwed up it's a wonder anyone recognizes me. Maybe this was Heavenly Father's way of giving me a cheap nose job... Either way, you'd think by now I'd have learned my lesson. Not so much.
I'm the type of person that has a big enough heart to love everyone. Literally. I love my family. I love my friends. I love random people I meet on the street. I can't help it. I don't want to think badly of people. I will more readily think poorly of myself before I think poorly of someone else. I will go so far as to make excuses for bad behavior and abuse that's leveled at me. It's a blessing and a curse. People feel comfortable around me and are more ready to be friendly because I love so easily. It's a curse when I let my heart get in the way of my common sense and the falling happens. If there's no one there to catch me, and so far there hasn't been, the floor rushes up at me really really fast. The reaction time is getting quicker and I'm starting to actually get my hands up to nearly catch myself and keep myself from hitting the ground, but I'm just not quick enough yet.
So this post started with Life is good...and it is. :) I'm ok. Things don't always go the way I'd like them to, but they could go a lot worse. I've made many new friends this year and learned a lot of things. Christmas is still in my heart and I will keep it that way...at least I'll try to. I hope next year has fewer connections with my old friend...the floor. :) I'm just gonna take it one day at a time and go from there.
Things in my life have been pluggin along at a good pace. I'm working at DynCorp again and it's soooo much better than three years ago. I love where I work and who I work with and that makes all the difference. There are quite a few wonderful people on my team that I just adore. There's always the people who like to make life difficult, but I'm handling things quite well. I like what I do. I'm the official Terminator. Hahaha People ask what I do and before I have a chance to say anything my coworkers speak up and tell them I'm a Terminator. The looks I get are pretty dang funny.
My personal life is going better. I'm figuring out how to make and keep myself happy and it's exhilirating. I am relying more and more on myself. The desperate need for approval from other people isn't as important as it used to be. I am learning to be happy with me and that's enough.
Remi is moving home apparently. He is anticipating either being sent to Afghanistan with DynCorp or going active duty in the Marine Corps. He's moving home in anticipation of leaving his stuff here. He was supposed to move home two days ago, but apparently we're bickering...which is news to me. He should be home in the next few days though. He and mom have apparently formulated a plan that I have no choice in. He told me that the days he's not running, we will be going walking. My battle with my weight, which isn't really a battle so much as me continually saying I'm going to war with it and then doing nothing, is driving him insane. He has been wanting to get me to go with him for a while and I just keep refusing. I'm going to try and start a competition with one of the guys at work though so I'm hoping Remi will give me more help. I would like to learn how to fight actually. I don't even know how to defend myself and my track record with creepers is such that it would probably be a smart thing.
One of these days, I will learn how to control my heart instead of allowing it to control me. I keep having to go through this particular lesson and it's still not sinking in. I can't even really say I'm getting better at control because I'm not. When I find something to love, I love hard. The consequence is I fall flat on my face and my face connects with the floor and breaks my nose. The break is intense and by now my nose is so crooked and screwed up it's a wonder anyone recognizes me. Maybe this was Heavenly Father's way of giving me a cheap nose job... Either way, you'd think by now I'd have learned my lesson. Not so much.
I'm the type of person that has a big enough heart to love everyone. Literally. I love my family. I love my friends. I love random people I meet on the street. I can't help it. I don't want to think badly of people. I will more readily think poorly of myself before I think poorly of someone else. I will go so far as to make excuses for bad behavior and abuse that's leveled at me. It's a blessing and a curse. People feel comfortable around me and are more ready to be friendly because I love so easily. It's a curse when I let my heart get in the way of my common sense and the falling happens. If there's no one there to catch me, and so far there hasn't been, the floor rushes up at me really really fast. The reaction time is getting quicker and I'm starting to actually get my hands up to nearly catch myself and keep myself from hitting the ground, but I'm just not quick enough yet.
So this post started with Life is good...and it is. :) I'm ok. Things don't always go the way I'd like them to, but they could go a lot worse. I've made many new friends this year and learned a lot of things. Christmas is still in my heart and I will keep it that way...at least I'll try to. I hope next year has fewer connections with my old friend...the floor. :) I'm just gonna take it one day at a time and go from there.
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