Time for an update

Well, it's been three months since I've updated so I may as well get to it.

I don't even remember what I posted in the last blog and I'm not gonna go back and read it again so if I repeat myself, I apologize.

This has already been a fairly good year for me. Every year in my life has it's low points. I'm hoping that's the way most people are. I'm just choosing not to focus on them as much. Which I see as progress by the way.

I started the year with a good job...always a good thing. I work for Chrysler Financial. Chrysler moved all of their financial operations down to Roanoke, TX, to save on money and I was fortunate enough to be placed with them through a staffing agency in November of last year. We've kind of had to feel our way to doing things correctly, but we're slowly ironing out the kinks. I enjoy what I do. There's a lot of learning that goes into it. Unfortunately, they've started giving me the things that require some math. I'm not too fond of math. In fact, I hate math. Lucky for me, it's just simple adding and subtracting. I am basically an accountant that gets paid a entry level admin assitant's pay...which for the moment I don't have a problem with. It's just a place for me to be able to pay the bills at the moment.

I made a friend a work at the beginning of this year as well. He's an interesting character. I love him to death. He is an aspiring author. I love to read and I love to write. We talked about that a while back so he got into the habit of sending me any and all of the stuff he worked on so I could give him my opinion. He, in turn, asked me if I was writing anything since I seem to have a decent imagination. I told him I'd been messing around with a story I'd started telling my nephew about two and a half years ago when I was pregnant. He asked if he could read some of it.......and he fell in love with it. He told me he's my first bona fide fan and that he'd be upset if I didn't publish my story. I have always been told I have a talent for writing. I'm just now starting to take that particular compliment seriously. I've been writing this story for so long as a stress reliever. I never really intended to publish it because I never thought it was very good. Plus, it sounded like so many other books to me that I didn't want to just put another book out there that consisted of the same things rehashed and repackaged...but, my friend has perservered. He is not letting me get away with gently tucking it under a rug somewhere. He's connected like mad and is pushing for funding for me to get it edited and then sent to a publisher.

On top of my fantasy book, I got together with a girl from church and wrote out my adoption story. I wrote a very brief summary of what I wanted to say, but it conveyed my feelings and the message I wanted to get out rather nicely. I told my friend at work about it and he and his wife are excited for that to be published as well. We've run into a lot of hedges though. I was telling my friend about it and he made a way far out there suggestion that just might actually work. Within our work organization, there are smaller organizations for target groups. He's friends with someone that is part of the Women's Network at Chrysler. He wants me to talk to her and see if they'll maybe help me and this other girl pitch our idea for the book. He also started talking about speaking at different places and events. He thinks that my experience is such that I could have a good affect on a lot of people. He also thinks, for whatever reason, that there couldn't be anyone better suited than me to go around talking to girls about adoption simply because it's a topic that I'm so passionate about. We'll see I guess. I have a feeling that this year is going to be full of many big changes for me.

So that's my update for now. I'm trying to keep it fairly positive as the negative is starting to wear me down. There are so many things I'm looking forward to doing this year. I'll definitely post more if things go as planned. As it is, I'm exhausted. I have to work in the morning. Goodnight! :)

way overdue...

So it's officially December of 2008. Where has this year gone? I feel like yesterday was the beginning of the year!



It's been an eventful one, that's for sure. I now have three brothers gone from my parents house. One has been married for a while, one was married this year, and the other joined the marine corps. I know. Strange. It's definitely different and takes some getting used to.



Stephane got married to Meagan in August. That was quite the event. I was very excited to see my family. My mom's parents and my aunt came up from California for the wedding. I was not expecting the reaction I had to having my aunt there. She and I got along incredibly and having her there was a lifesaver. I don't do well at weddings and she was a great buffer for a lot of what I was dealing with.



Remi joined the marines. I have been hoping for a while that he would grow out of that phase, but it isn't a phase. I'm proud of him, don't get me wrong. I'm also very scared. He thinks he's going to be deployed soon and I'm less than enthusiastic about that. I know there are many men and women in the service that are deployed and in a war zone right now...it definitely hits home more when the war reaches your family. I miss my Remi very much. I'm excited about him coming home. It will be a very good day when he finally gets out of his training and has time to breathe and relax at home.



I moved back to my parents house in August, right after the wedding. I just wasn't making ends meet very well in Utah so I decided to move while my parents were in Utah with my dad's truck. I didn't want to have to make them come back up with gas prices being horrendous and the truck being a diesel. I miss my roommates a lot and the freedom I had being on my own, but I'm already feeling better. I love being with my family, even though they drive completely bazonkers on occasion. I finally got a job two weeks ago and I'm making enough that I can start paying back on my debts that I owe to my parents and my sister. I can also start putting money away to either get on my own or get the things I need without having to worry about breaking the bank.



Things weren't really all that great when I first moved home. I had some drama happen that tore me apart. It's not anything I can't overcome, but going through it was agony. I spent most nights and mornings curled up in my bed or on the floor of the shower just sobbing. I woke up several mornings as sore as possible just from the wracking sobs I was experiencing. That lasted for about two weeks before I started to get over it. There were plenty of times afterwards that I was completely miserable and let that misery rule me, but I'm doing better. I can't trust at all anymore, but I'm doing better. I seriously cannot bring myself to trust anyone right now. I even have doubts about my family having ulterior motives. That's really sad. One thing is for sure, I'm not taking a blind leap and trusting someone with my heart for a long time, if ever again. I just can't do it. I cannot have my heart broken like that again. It was like losing my daughter all over again...and no. That's not an exaggeration.



Speaking of my daughter, I did something I'm rather proud of. I have been going to the singles ward down here...that's not what I'm proud of though. I have a friend in the singles ward that did the same thing I did with her son. She got pregnant and put her son up for adoption. We got to talking about our experiences and I told her I was appalled at the lack of literature geared towards birth mothers. Most of the books available are for parents looking to adopt. I don't remember reading a book written by someone who knew what was going to happen. She agreed with me. She told me that she and some other girls are getting their stories together and they're going to try and publish them. It's going to be kind of a chicken soup book. She asked me if I'd like to contribute. I told her I would as I'd already started doing that with the thought that I'd one day have my mom and the adoptive mom write their experiences and publish a book that way. So I started writing. Usually, writing is not difficult for me. Stories flow from the pictures in my mind onto the screen without any difficulty. Not the case with this one. Understandably, I found myself more often than not incapable of writing. I also found myself remembering things I'd forgotten. Incidentally, it took me three months to complete an eleven page essay. That never happens...but it's done now. I sent it to my friend. She's going to shop it around to some publishers and we'll see where that takes us. I'm to the point with this that I don't mind telling people exactly what I've been through. My life's experiences, especially that one, can help people. So if they wanna know, I'm gonna tell them. So....if it doesn't get published and you want to read it, let me know.



Anyway. I've rambled enough I think. I'm going to go put up christmas decorations now. :)

Time for an update

Okay. It's been over a month since I've updated this thing. It's probably about time.

Not a lot has changed and that's probably why I haven't updated. I'm still living in Salt Lake and I still miss my family incredibly. I got to go home for my brothers graduation at the beginning of June which was incredibly awesome. It was weird for me to be there and hear his name called and see him walk across the stage. It made me feel really old actually.

The trip home was good for multiple reasons. I met Meagan which went much more smoothly than I expected. She and Ali and I spent a lot of time together. Ali is the maid of honor and therefore threw a bridal shower the day Remi graduated. Somehow, I ended up being in charge of most of it. I took care of the food and gave Ali little nudges when she lost her direction. Kind of stressful. It was fun though. Meagan and I also hung out on Monday just the two of us before I flew home. It was a thoroughly girly day. We went to the mall where I got some things for a friend of mine that is in Iraq at the moment at a Texas store there. I spent way more money than I should. But it was a lot of fun getting to know her a little better. It was a lot of fun getting a feel for her. She's a lot like my mom. Anyway. After the mall, we went and got our nails done. We talked while we were sitting there and over the course of the conversation, I was asked to be a bridesmaid. I've never been a bridesmaid which I'm totally okay with surprisingly.

So, on top of participating in the bridal shower at home, I'm now going to throw one here and invite the family that lives close. We'll see how that goes. I'm not exactly rolling in the dough so we'll see.

Being a bridesmaid is going to be a little more difficult than I thought too. I have to lose fifteen inches around my waist. That's right. Inches. Not pounds. I have until August 15th. Yeah. A month and a half. I don't have a problem with it. I can do it. I'm just slightly nervous about not being able to stick with it. Once again. We'll see.

I'm so completely exhausted lately. Emotionally I mean. I had a friend call me on Saturday night. My status on myspace and facebook has been slightly depressing lately and this was the first chance she'd had to talk to me. Usually she spends a lot of time talking about her issues so she promised she'd listen. I didn't even know where to begin. I don't tell people about a lot of things. I really don't. I bottle them and shove them where I don't have to deal with them and I work on the things I can handle. Consequently, I didn't know where to start. I started saying things and would get halfway through a sentence before not knowing how to continue. She kept saying, "Just let it out. Stop holding back." I didn't know how to describe what I was feeling. Unappreciated and taken for granted would probably be a good way to describe it now. I can't imagine how mothers feel all the time...but I started talking. I cried a little bit but not as much as I wanted to. There's some kind of healing power in tears. It's like they wash all the hurt out of my eyes and once I'm done crying, I can move on. I haven't been able to cry for a while. I cried a little but not as much as I thought I should I guess. Anyway. Talking to her didn't help as much as I wanted it to. I'm still stuck with the same feelings and no hope of resolving it anytime soon. Oh well. I'll survive I guess.

Talking about this brings up another concern that's been on my mind. My inability to cry has me very nervous. I'm a very emotional person most of the time. The fact that I haven't cried about some of the things I'm dealing with is worrying me. I don't know what's happening. I almost feel like I've thrown a wall around my heart and don't know how to feel anymore. I mean, I feel things, but not the way I used to. And I don't like it. I feel strange. Like I'm not myself. Like the person that I see in the mirror isn't really Kati. She's a shadow of who she used to be.

I will never be able to be who I was before. I've already accepted that...but there are things in my life I hadn't realized I'd given up. My ability to love unconditionally feels like it's been altered somehow.

I don't know. I guess that's what I'm thinking about at the moment. The only other thing I need to say is thank you for the real friends that stick with me through everything. They're the ones that see the heartache and instead of running from it, try and help. There are a few of those and they even cross oceans now. ;) I have a very good friend in England whose friendship is one I'm growing to depend on. Anyway. I gotta get back to work. Have a good day! :)

Slightly frustrated

You know, life gets really tiring really fast. It's just stupid. That's about all I can think of to sum it up. It's just dumb.

So I posted about Stephane getting married last time. Apparently, I need to censor myself now.

I write to get out my own feelings. I don't write for anyone else. I write for my own well being. If I didn't have the ability I do with words and a way to articulate what I'm thinking and feeling, I'd go stir crazy. That is what this blog is for. I don't care who reads it. I don't care how they take things. I know what I intend and what I mean. I don't think I need to stop expressing myself that way. It is a free country, right? I don't understand why some people think they need to assume that they know what I'm saying without asking when it's unclear. I know I'm going to get in trouble for this but this is something I need to say.

The reason I have issue with Stephane getting married has really very little to do with him. Anyone that reads this should know by now that I placed my daughter up for adoption two years ago in September. When any of my siblings get married, I'm going to have an issue with it simply because it makes me focus on everything that I have failed at. My siblings have not come close to making the mistakes I've made. It makes me feel very much like an outsider in my family. I feel like a black sheep in a sea of white wool. It hurts. At my cousins wedding last year, I had the same problem. All I wanted to do was run away instead of hitting that heartache head on at sixty miles an hour. So by saying what I did, I was merely saying that I'm nervous for myself. Not for Stephane and Meagan.

I don't know Meagan. I am not the type of person to judge someone I don't know. I'm not the type of person to stick my nose in a situation that I have no business being in much less think my opinion on this particular matter with this particular brother would mean a whole lot. I am truly happy for Stephane and Meagan. Finding someone to spend eternity with is a blessing that I'm incredibly terrified I won't be able to receive.

So, that being said, I'm going to apologize. I talked to Stephane the other day and explained why I said what I did and I will talk to Meagan when I go home next week. However, I guess I need to apologize to anyone reading this. I'm sorry that I come across as more judgemental and intolerant than I really am. That was not my intention at all and I hope you will forgive me. The purpose of this post is also not to get upset. Yes, I'm frustrated...but I'm trying to help people understand me...which is difficult cause more often than not, I don't understand me. I'm not a malicious person. I'm not going to pass judgement on anything. That much is obvious when you look at why I was with Josh Eckenrode to begin with. I'm sorry I made you think that I was objecting to Stephane marrying Meagan. I'm completely happy for them. I'm excited for them to be able to start this new journey together. I hope they will be happy and I wish them nothing but the best. Please understand that my issues about marriage have nothing to do with anyone getting married. I have a daughter. She will always be brought to the forefront when I attend weddings. The absence of a husband in that situation will always be something that haunts me. For the rest of my life. There is no getting around that.

So, please forgive me. I'm completely open to questions and comments. If you have concerns, ask me. I don't bite. :)

Way too long...

So, It's been two and a half months since my last post. Long time for me. Life's been interesting.

I'm still in Salt Lake though for how much longer is unclear at the moment. I asked for a raise about two weeks ago because my supervisor quit and I now have to help manage a three person job as one of two people. I don't mind it. I love working in Purchasing with Mike. It's a little awkward at times because he's had a crush on me for a while but it's not too bad. It's getting to be almost like brother and sister now. We tease each other and play fight all the time. We make a good team though. All of the work gets done when we're both focused on trying to get it done by a set time. Our usual goal is to be able to open both front doors...which is kinda pointless since it gets filled up again the next morning and we just have to go right back and start all over again.

I am pretty content living in Utah. For the most part. Things are going well. The seasons are changing and that's always a plus for me. I love the smells and sounds of spring and summer. For the past week, everyday after I get out of work, I'll get in my car and roll the window down and just drive around the valley. It's been kind of an essential part of my day as I'm having difficulty playing piano and I need some form of relaxation after work. I don't really have a reliable computer so I just drive around the Salt Lake valley after work for about an hour. It's the best kind of therapy I have right now.

So, Stephane is getting married. I'm not going to say too much about it simply because I don't want to give the wrong impression or come across in a way that I'm not intending. I love my brother. I'm happy for him. I truly am. I haven't met Megan but my family raves about her. I have friends in Provo that grew up with her. I don't want anyone thinking that I am not happy for Stephane so I'm just going to leave that there. Our relationship is still not the best, which I am at a loss to explain, but he is my brother and I love him. It'll be interesting getting used to another brother being married and eventually having kids. That's just a strange thought in and of itself.

It was kinda funny. About two weeks ago, I called my parents house after work to talk to my mom like I normally do and Remi was in the same room with her. She put me on speaker phone and Remi promptly told mom to tell me something. She responded that he should just tell me himself. So after some coaxing, I was informed that my diet and workout routine was no longer under my control if I decided to move home. Remi said that he will become my personal trainer if I move home to the point where every piece of food that goes past my lips has to be approved by him. He said he's going to get me up in the morning every morning to go running with our dogs and then after that, he's going to sit with me and read scriptures. Of all of my siblings, my relationship with him is the closest. It's interesting how that happened. We used to be at each others throats all the time. We were just so much alike. Now, I call him when I need advice for anything if I can't get a hold of my dad. I wish I could call Stephane like that but I know what both he and Mike would say so I'll just stick with Remi at this point. It's amazing how much insight that kid has into my heart and the way things work. He always knows exactly what to say and what I need to hear, even if I don't bring it up first. He's always quick to point out too that it's not coming from him. He's is a giant and he's only eighteen. I sure do love him. He just makes me miss my family an awful lot.

Speaking of family, I had the best conversation with my dad last week. I was sitting at the piano in my house and trying not to cry because a lot of issues going on in my life and I got a phone call. It was the Indiana Jones theme song ringtone that I thought I had only assigned to one of my roommates. So I ran to pick it up and it said Dad Cell. He said that he just felt like he needed to call me because he'd felt like his Katiuh had been needing him for the past week. I just broke down in tears. He asked how I was doing and if everything was okay and I told him no. I didn't give him extreme details but I told him that I was not anywhere near okay. I have so many things going on that I am having the hardest time handling and being so far from my family is one of the biggest trials right now. He asked what he could do to help and I told him I didn't know. A lot of my problems are things I'm not very proud of. He told me that he and mom would do anything they could to help me and that he wanted me to think about what they could do. My first thought was to ask if I could go home. I didn't ask that but told him I would think about it and let him know.

This weekend is girls weekend and I'm so excited about it. My friend Sarah Lockwood is coming up to Salt Lake and we are just gonna hang out until late tomorrow I hope. Shopping, movies, story-time, and random pictures are gonna be awesome.

Anyway. I'm at work and was accused of spending too much time for personal internet time so I better go.

It's been a month...time to update

So it's March 7th. It is Remi's birthday. He is eighteen. That is sooooo weird for me. Remi was kind of my baby so it's just a strange feeling. He has a picture posted on his myspace page of him when he was really little. He was too short to reach the keys on our piano but he was trying nonetheless. He is at the lower end just playing away with a huge grin on his face. It's kind of a big shock to me that he's eighteen now. I know he's not my baby but.....it sure felt like it. He's kind of like a twin........sort of. In a weird way. It's hard to explain.

Life continues pretty normally in Salt Lake. I spend a lot of time by myself at home. I go to work and come home and that's about it. Not that I have too big a problem with that but it gets old after a while. I feel very......stuck in limbo so to speak. I'm here and living life but not really living it. Things are just...I feel like a stick in the mud. Let's put it that way.

Work is going well. I will be hired full time next Thursday. That's the plan anyway. I'm a temp to hire right now but made such a name for myself by doing the boring stuff that they decided to keep me. :) They were actually fighting over who would get me permanently for a while. I think, with Teresa being so pushy, I'm going to shipping. At least for a little while. Teresa is the lady in charge of purchasing and she's kind of the crotchety old lady type. She pushes for things and usually gets them. She is trying to set me up with the guy that is her assistant and I'm totally not attracted to him. He's a nice guy but not my type. Anyway. I think that she is trying to push to get me to be part of shipping and receiving full time since they are in dire need of an assistant. Our company was just bought by LabCorp so a lot of procedures have changed. I tend to be very willing to do whatever is asked of me so I am a hot commodity for a lot of people apparently. The main thing that I'm worried about is the raise I'm supposed to be getting. That combined with my tax refund, whenever I get around to filing my taxes, will make me so much happier with my situation.

I miss my family more every day. I know I say that a lot but living without them is not something I like doing. Maybe it's living too far to be a part of the things they get to do that I don't like. I don't know. I think that I have a really bad attitude about my situation right now and it's affecting everything I do. I hate going out because I have a very prejudiced view of the people around me. It's really dumb.

Well, that's me at the moment. If anything exciting happens, I'll keep ya posted.

I'm so tired of the snow....

Now is the point where all the snow gets brown and crusty and black and it's just gross. Of course most of it's been like that for quite some time now but I'm noticing it more right now. Snow is a wonderful thing. It's such a cool toy from Heavenly Father! :) It's a lot of fun to get in snowball fights with your friends and then, when all the mischief is finished, turn around and go inside warm up in front of the fire or in my case the portable heater in my room and just chill with friends. :) I haven't had much opportunity to be a kid as much as I'd like to have this winter but I'm okay with that. Sometimes I have to be an adult. Unfortunately, I've had to be an adult for a while now and being a kid is not something I'm encouraged to do at my house.

Life is going fairly well at the moment. I'm happier right now than I've been for about two and a half weeks. I met a guy that was incredibly anti-mormon and he created a lot of confusion in my mind. He thinks it's his mission basically to "save" mormons and I kind of followed right along for a little while. He had a lot of convincing arguments that totally threw me for a loop and made me very confused. I have had a hard time with church for a while now but I thought I was okay. I went to church by myself and for myself for the first time the Sunday before I met this guy. Then he chimes in with all of his anti literature and media and it was very convincing. Especially since I've been questioning a lot of the things he provided "proof" for. I'm doing better though.

I watched the broadcast of the funeral for President Hinckley and I maintained my composure until President Monson got up to speak. Then when he was finished and the choir sang, somebody broke the water main behind my eyes. I had some really strong feelings during that ten to fifteen minute span of time and everything just kind of calmed down. I felt more at piece and happy than I have in a while.

I still miss my family immensely. Being here in Salt Lake is not as easy as I thought it would be. I really took for granted the fact that I could live at home and not pay rent or have to buy food. I can't buy food here either though because my roommates eat it or throw it out but that's beside the point...sort of. I'm to a point where I just need to figure out where I want to go with my life and go from there. I keep thinking I might want to go to college and I've submitted my application to the "U" but I'm still dragging my feet. I don't know if it's just lack of motivation or what. Maybe I'm just super super lazy and I don't want to do it. I don't know. I wish I could figure out how things work.

I have a new goal. I'm going to lose fifty pounds before I go home in June for my little brothers graduation! :) ......at least, I'm gonna try. I seem to remember a similar goal last year that died about a week after I set it. We'll see I guess. ;)