You know, going to sleep is all fine and good...until you have to wake up. Whoever designed that whole method needs to fine tune it a little.
So I went to sleep last night thinking about something that I have to do tomorrow. I am absolutely dreading it. Something happened at the end of August that made me absolutely paranoid about what I have to do tomorrow morning. I really don't want to rehash what happened, but know that it's bad enough that I'm making myself sick over it. I just want to go home and curl up under my covers and pretend that nothing ever happened. I'm like that though. I'd much rather sweep it under the rug and leave it there than confront it head on.
My weekend was good. I have slowly, over two or three years, stepped out of a shell that I have been comfortable with for a long time. I'm not to the point where I'd like to be. One of my best friends is so confident in herself and has no fear of anything. I want to be more like her. Not completely, but more. I spent the weekend at home, reading like the nut that I am, and sporadically spending time talking to my roommates. They are pretty cool. I have a hard time with a lot of things and I know my acceptance of some people is simply my attitude towards them and that's what needs to be changed. It's odd for me though that they are both six years older than I am and they come to me for dating advice. That's basically all we talked about this weekend. Not that I had a problem with it, it's just strange for me to think that these girls who I would have gone to when I was younger are coming to me.
I don't know that I really want to believe in New Years resolutions. I think that more often than not, we set ourselves up to fail by tagging that name to the goals we have for our lives. There really is nothing special about setting a goal at the beginning of the year. It's probably a goal you've had for a long time...but if I were setting a New Years resolution, I would only make one. That would be to spend the year figuring out Kati. My dad is always telling me that he'll be happy when I figure out what makes Kati happy. He says that's what he wants more than anything. I think that, aside from one of my little brothers, I am the cause of most of his gray hairs. I have led a very different life than what I think either of my parents expected. My mom told me that when I was blessed as a baby, she knew I would have struggles that I'd have to deal with. She could not have been more right. But I'm trying to learn from it. I want to be happy. I don't know anyone who doesn't. I have just gone so long being unhappy and "getting by" that I'm not sure I know how to be happy anymore. I know what my brother in Orem and his sister would tell me. So yes, Becca. I'm going to try and take the hand that has been in front of my face for so long. Hopefully, by next year, I will be closer to being someone that people can love since that seems to me to be something that is rather difficult to do.
1 comment:
I hate waking up too, and in fact i should be in bed sleeping right now so that waking up isn't so hard tomorrow...but i have to beg to differ with you on new year's resolutions...i think it's good to just say you know "it's been a year. time has passed and so have those lifetime goals, but this is the small part of me that is going to try and make a new effort. i am not defeated if i keep trying over and over again to do better. i can do better and i've been doing better, but a new year is a time to say, 'it's okay to have fallen a few times, i'm getting back up and on that horse that keeps bucking me off.' and there you have it, and your new year is started over with a desire to just do better and be better even though you'll probably not meet your goal completely, since like you said they are mostly life time goals, but i do think that little by little is how we get those goals and that's why on the mission we have comp inventory every week and reestablish goals, cause really, life is just goal after another that we try to complete and do better on...and hey, i have to say kati, just in the last year, you have come a lot farther than you think you have! you moved here almost a year ago and i don't think you're as much the same person now as you were then. i'm really proud of you. you're doing great, so give yourself a little credit! congrats on the job. ps i'm moving! staying here in lehi, but moving in with some girls in the ward. it's time...so my washer and dryer, up for grabs again! even if you just want to borrow them til i get my own place in whenever i do! i will be moving out by the end of the month! just remember to clean out the lint catcher!
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