Interesting

I just realized something. Today is two years to the day that I found out I was pregnant. Good grief it's been a while.

I remember that day and cringe every time I think about it. I knew I was pregnant because I'd been sick for about two weeks. I'd wake up feeling like I wanted to throw up every day. I called in sick that day. I think it was a Monday. My mom said I should go to the doctor and consider the possibility I might be pregnant. Like I said, I already knew I was. I asked her to go with me knowing it would be easier if I was not the one to tell her. When they came back and told me the test was positive, I tried really really hard not to look at my mom and not to cry. We got out to the car and mom said I needed to call my dad because he knew we were going in. I started calling my dad and was surprised when she got on her phone. I heard her talking to the director of LDS Family Services and just about threw up right then and there. I was so mad that she would do that I just wanted to get out of the car and walk to Josh's house. I called my dad and told him, through a whole lot of tears, that I was pregnant and he said that mom was bringing him dinner to work and that he wanted me to come with her so we could talk. I agreed mostly to just get off the phone and not have to talk to anyone. Mom was still talking to the director and said that she had a daughter that would be needing to come in and talk to him very soon. She asked if she could set up a time but didn't need to.

I remember thinking that I want to reach over and hit her. I had just found out I was pregnant which effectively made me admit to what I'd been doing with Josh......something I'd tried to deny the whole time I was with him. I knew that I was going to have a long hard road ahead of me and she was already trying to make my decisions for me. I didn't know what I was going to do. I knew that Josh would need to be told and that I had no right to keep it from him. I also knew that my parents would not want me to tell him. He was in rehab at the time and as far as they were concerned, he had no right to know anything. I called my boss at work and told him that I wasn't going to be coming in. I went home and the rest of the day is kind of a blur.

I went to see my dad that night and I honestly don't remember a whole lot of what he told me. I remember my mom saying a lot of things that I would rather forget. She said that she had half a mind to send me away when I started to show because she didn't think keeping me at home with my siblings there was a good idea. She said that I was setting a bad example. Dad was a little more calm but I think I had broken his heart so he didn't really have much to say about that. Mom also told me that if I decided to parent my child, I would not be allowed at home. She said she would not have me around setting a bad example for my brothers and sister by being a single mother. We all agreed not to say anything for a little while until we could let it sink in to each of us. I remember that the ride home with mom was a lot more stressful than it otherwise should have been. Our relationship was strained anyway and her restrictions on me now that I was pregnant did not help in the least. I wanted to run away and marry Josh out of spite. I told her that I was going to tell him and that if she kicked me out, the only choice I'd have was Josh and that I would marry him.

We didn't tell the rest of my family for like a week or two what was happening. I told my sister the very next day because I'm not good at keeping secrets and we shared a room and I was on the top bunk and it was already hard to climb up there. I told her and she started crying. She said that she would help in anyway that I needed her.

When we told my brothers, we had a family council. They had no idea what was going on because family councils are usually held when the parentals are thinking about moving. Dad said that there was something that needed to be discussed and that no one was to interrupt until everything that needed to be said was said. He looked at me and told me to tell them and I started crying. I cried for about a minute before I choked out that I was pregnant. They all knew that it was Josh's baby. My little brothers were great. They all had to be touching me in some way. I had one holding my left hand, one wrapping his arms around my legs and one leaning his head on my shoulder and holding my other hand. They all said that they would help too. Rayo was so cute. He said that he and Nick would make sure their room was clean and baby friendly and that they would both help babysit and that they'd even get up in the night to help feed her if I needed it. They were great. They started calling the baby "Tiny Tim" until we found out it was a girl. Then she became "Tiny Tina". The only cloud of darkness came from my older brother. Stephane had much the same reaction my mom did and told me that he hoped I felt what I was going to go through to the highest degree possible. He said he felt like I would just go out and get pregnant again if I didn't. Remi got mad at him.

So now you know why I depend so heavily on my family. They are my rock. Looking back on two years ago, I am not the same person that I was. I am so much stronger than I ever imagined I possibly could be. My family has been the main reason I've changed so incredibly. They are so quick to help me out in any way I need to be helped it's unreal. I hope that they understand how much I appreciate them. Even Stephane who eventually got off his high horse to support me too. We still don't get along very well but I'm glad he's my brother. :) I would not change them for anything in the world.

Please don't misconstrue any of what I've said. I love my mom very much. We talk every day on the phone. Her reaction was unexpected but understandable considering the situation. She eventually told me that she would allow me to make my own decision about what to do. I love Stephane too. He's my big brother. He takes care of me in a lot of different ways even if we don't get along most of the time. He was the first to volunteer to help me drive up to Utah. He helped me escape Josh when I went home for Christmas. He's great. My whole family is great. I really lucked out in that respect.