I'm so tired of the snow....

Now is the point where all the snow gets brown and crusty and black and it's just gross. Of course most of it's been like that for quite some time now but I'm noticing it more right now. Snow is a wonderful thing. It's such a cool toy from Heavenly Father! :) It's a lot of fun to get in snowball fights with your friends and then, when all the mischief is finished, turn around and go inside warm up in front of the fire or in my case the portable heater in my room and just chill with friends. :) I haven't had much opportunity to be a kid as much as I'd like to have this winter but I'm okay with that. Sometimes I have to be an adult. Unfortunately, I've had to be an adult for a while now and being a kid is not something I'm encouraged to do at my house.

Life is going fairly well at the moment. I'm happier right now than I've been for about two and a half weeks. I met a guy that was incredibly anti-mormon and he created a lot of confusion in my mind. He thinks it's his mission basically to "save" mormons and I kind of followed right along for a little while. He had a lot of convincing arguments that totally threw me for a loop and made me very confused. I have had a hard time with church for a while now but I thought I was okay. I went to church by myself and for myself for the first time the Sunday before I met this guy. Then he chimes in with all of his anti literature and media and it was very convincing. Especially since I've been questioning a lot of the things he provided "proof" for. I'm doing better though.

I watched the broadcast of the funeral for President Hinckley and I maintained my composure until President Monson got up to speak. Then when he was finished and the choir sang, somebody broke the water main behind my eyes. I had some really strong feelings during that ten to fifteen minute span of time and everything just kind of calmed down. I felt more at piece and happy than I have in a while.

I still miss my family immensely. Being here in Salt Lake is not as easy as I thought it would be. I really took for granted the fact that I could live at home and not pay rent or have to buy food. I can't buy food here either though because my roommates eat it or throw it out but that's beside the point...sort of. I'm to a point where I just need to figure out where I want to go with my life and go from there. I keep thinking I might want to go to college and I've submitted my application to the "U" but I'm still dragging my feet. I don't know if it's just lack of motivation or what. Maybe I'm just super super lazy and I don't want to do it. I don't know. I wish I could figure out how things work.

I have a new goal. I'm going to lose fifty pounds before I go home in June for my little brothers graduation! :) ......at least, I'm gonna try. I seem to remember a similar goal last year that died about a week after I set it. We'll see I guess. ;)

Just another update

So I'm realizing that I probably shouldn't have written that post on the tenth. Not that I have a problem with people reading it, I just don't think that most people would want to know about that. I know what Mike would tell me....I need to put it behind me and never think about it again. Here's why I have a problem with that:

What happened in my life in the past two or three years is not something I can just sweep under the rug. Having a child, married or not, changes the aspects of your life and the things that you focus on. I wrote about it because, even if it doesn't help me right now to talk about things, looking back on it later will. Having a journal or some record to look back on these things is a big deal for me. I almost wish I'd made a copy of the journal I gave to my daughter's adoptive parents so i could look back on how things are now as opposed to when I was right in the middle of everything.

I didn't mean to offend or startle anyone. I guess my purpose in writing that was to maybe illustrate the way I think a little. I know that didn't make anything more clear to anyone but it's all I have. I don't know how to explain me. I never have. I wouldn't even know where to begin to start.......but I like me. I like what I've accomplished. I know I still have a long way to go but who doesn't? I'm working on it as much as I can but it's not something that can change over night despite what some people think. We're talking about YEARS of thinking a certain way and being told that it's wrong and you need to change it. That's not an easy thing to do.

Anyway. That's my spouting off for the day. I'm sorry if I offended anyone by the post on the 10th. It was unintentional.

..........

So I went to visit my brother yesterday. He and his wife just had two more babies making their grand total now six. I must say my new nephews are absolutely adorable. It's difficult not to be adorable with their parents being who they are. The twins have very distinct personalities already too and they're only a month old. The way I see it, one of them is very mellow and relaxed as long as he isn't poopy, wet, or hungry. The other one seems to need to be aware of everything that's going on around him. He seems to want to be with everyone else like he's eager to learn as much as he can about whats happening. They're still smaller than my daughter was when she was born! Which is good because Shaunae was carrying twelve pounds of baby as it was!

I realized something as I was driving down to visit my brother and his family. I don't think I let them know nearly enough how much I love them. I almost started crying as soon as I walked in the house because I was so relieved that I could go there and just play with my family. Even though they aren't family by blood or even legally family, Mike is still my brother and Shaunae is still my sister-in-law and those kids are still my niece and nephews. I was so happy when I walked in that my little niece was excited to see me. Sometimes she's not so happy when I walk in. But yesterday she yelled my name and jumped at me demanding a hug. That almost brought me to tears too. My oldest nephew did the same thing. He saw that I was there, did a double take, and gave me the biggest hug he could manage. The whole time, I felt like my heart was just going to burst. I don't know why I've become such a blubbering idiot recently but my love for that family was really overwhelming.

Mike is incredible and I'm so lucky he's part of my family. He has done so many incredible things for me. He is always willing to give me a blessing any time I need it and I've needed it a few times. He's very accepting of everything I've been through. His only qualms with anything I do is when I bring pictures of my daughter to his house. He thinks like my dad and believes I should just drop it where it is and never bring them out again. I'm not as trapped in that past as he thinks I am. I go through most of my days without thinking about my daughter though this blog would probably testify otherwise. I know she's where she needs to be and I'm glad that she's happy. I just like showing her off. It's all that I have. Maybe I shouldn't. I don't know. Opinions are welcome if you wish to give them.

On a side note, yesterday was a wonderful day for me. I'm betting that next Sunday will be even better. I finally stayed for all three hours of church because I wanted to and not because someone was twisting my arm to stay. I conducted the sacrament meeting music which was a lot of fun. It's been a while since I've done that and I was soooooo nervous...but I pulled it off with a reasonably fair performance! ;) I will probably also end up playing the piano for the branch choir which has me a little nervous. I'm much more confident in my abilities but I'm still very self conscious and aware of my short comings. I'm also going to plan a trip to the Salt Lake Temple to do baptisms if anyone wants to join me...and my branch president wants me to think about going through the temple. Not sure if I really wanna go there yet but we'll see.

My application is in for the U. I'm so much happier than I've been in a long time. Life is genuinely good.......and I can see it! What's more.......I absolutely love it. I will try and be more positive as time goes by. Negative is wearing on everyone and I'm sorry.

Interesting

I just realized something. Today is two years to the day that I found out I was pregnant. Good grief it's been a while.

I remember that day and cringe every time I think about it. I knew I was pregnant because I'd been sick for about two weeks. I'd wake up feeling like I wanted to throw up every day. I called in sick that day. I think it was a Monday. My mom said I should go to the doctor and consider the possibility I might be pregnant. Like I said, I already knew I was. I asked her to go with me knowing it would be easier if I was not the one to tell her. When they came back and told me the test was positive, I tried really really hard not to look at my mom and not to cry. We got out to the car and mom said I needed to call my dad because he knew we were going in. I started calling my dad and was surprised when she got on her phone. I heard her talking to the director of LDS Family Services and just about threw up right then and there. I was so mad that she would do that I just wanted to get out of the car and walk to Josh's house. I called my dad and told him, through a whole lot of tears, that I was pregnant and he said that mom was bringing him dinner to work and that he wanted me to come with her so we could talk. I agreed mostly to just get off the phone and not have to talk to anyone. Mom was still talking to the director and said that she had a daughter that would be needing to come in and talk to him very soon. She asked if she could set up a time but didn't need to.

I remember thinking that I want to reach over and hit her. I had just found out I was pregnant which effectively made me admit to what I'd been doing with Josh......something I'd tried to deny the whole time I was with him. I knew that I was going to have a long hard road ahead of me and she was already trying to make my decisions for me. I didn't know what I was going to do. I knew that Josh would need to be told and that I had no right to keep it from him. I also knew that my parents would not want me to tell him. He was in rehab at the time and as far as they were concerned, he had no right to know anything. I called my boss at work and told him that I wasn't going to be coming in. I went home and the rest of the day is kind of a blur.

I went to see my dad that night and I honestly don't remember a whole lot of what he told me. I remember my mom saying a lot of things that I would rather forget. She said that she had half a mind to send me away when I started to show because she didn't think keeping me at home with my siblings there was a good idea. She said that I was setting a bad example. Dad was a little more calm but I think I had broken his heart so he didn't really have much to say about that. Mom also told me that if I decided to parent my child, I would not be allowed at home. She said she would not have me around setting a bad example for my brothers and sister by being a single mother. We all agreed not to say anything for a little while until we could let it sink in to each of us. I remember that the ride home with mom was a lot more stressful than it otherwise should have been. Our relationship was strained anyway and her restrictions on me now that I was pregnant did not help in the least. I wanted to run away and marry Josh out of spite. I told her that I was going to tell him and that if she kicked me out, the only choice I'd have was Josh and that I would marry him.

We didn't tell the rest of my family for like a week or two what was happening. I told my sister the very next day because I'm not good at keeping secrets and we shared a room and I was on the top bunk and it was already hard to climb up there. I told her and she started crying. She said that she would help in anyway that I needed her.

When we told my brothers, we had a family council. They had no idea what was going on because family councils are usually held when the parentals are thinking about moving. Dad said that there was something that needed to be discussed and that no one was to interrupt until everything that needed to be said was said. He looked at me and told me to tell them and I started crying. I cried for about a minute before I choked out that I was pregnant. They all knew that it was Josh's baby. My little brothers were great. They all had to be touching me in some way. I had one holding my left hand, one wrapping his arms around my legs and one leaning his head on my shoulder and holding my other hand. They all said that they would help too. Rayo was so cute. He said that he and Nick would make sure their room was clean and baby friendly and that they would both help babysit and that they'd even get up in the night to help feed her if I needed it. They were great. They started calling the baby "Tiny Tim" until we found out it was a girl. Then she became "Tiny Tina". The only cloud of darkness came from my older brother. Stephane had much the same reaction my mom did and told me that he hoped I felt what I was going to go through to the highest degree possible. He said he felt like I would just go out and get pregnant again if I didn't. Remi got mad at him.

So now you know why I depend so heavily on my family. They are my rock. Looking back on two years ago, I am not the same person that I was. I am so much stronger than I ever imagined I possibly could be. My family has been the main reason I've changed so incredibly. They are so quick to help me out in any way I need to be helped it's unreal. I hope that they understand how much I appreciate them. Even Stephane who eventually got off his high horse to support me too. We still don't get along very well but I'm glad he's my brother. :) I would not change them for anything in the world.

Please don't misconstrue any of what I've said. I love my mom very much. We talk every day on the phone. Her reaction was unexpected but understandable considering the situation. She eventually told me that she would allow me to make my own decision about what to do. I love Stephane too. He's my big brother. He takes care of me in a lot of different ways even if we don't get along most of the time. He was the first to volunteer to help me drive up to Utah. He helped me escape Josh when I went home for Christmas. He's great. My whole family is great. I really lucked out in that respect.

Wow...

I didn't think that I would keep up with this as much as I have been. Writing comes so naturally to me that anytime I sit in front of a computer, that's what I want to do. It's also cool to have people come up to me and ask me if I'm really typing that fast. :)

So the thing in court is over. I gave a run-down of what happened yesterday. Today, I'm doing completely alright. I got a lot of texts from people that I asked to keep me in their prayers saying that they were excited that things had gone so well. I also got a call from my brother asking if there was anything he could be doing for me right now. His wife just had twins and he was checking and making sure I didn't need anything. I said my family is my sanity for a reason. I'm hoping to make it down to see them no later than this weekend.

I truly have been blessed with the people in my life. I don't think I could say that enough. It may seem odd and a waste of time but I call my mom everyday. I call her on my lunch now since my commute to work has dropped from thirteen minutes to two and a half on a bad day. I talked to my sister the night before I had to go to court and she just kept telling me that I needed to get angry and harness that anger so I wouldn't be afraid. I tell one of my little brothers almost everything. He is my secret keeper and he's really dang good at it too. He is who I go to when I need someone to listen to me because he has no qualms about saying what he's thinking. He's actually pretty sensitive about it for a sixteen year old and he always says encouraging things. My dad is awesome too. I called him the night before the hearing too and he gave me a run-down of what he thought may happen and told me to be prepared for the worst and hope for the best. There is no doubt in my mind that my family loves me. I've done some pretty stupid things and they are still there to support me. They don't come any better than that!

I have some really awesome friends too. The older brother that called me is actually my foster brother but he's part of our family just the same. I kind of became part of his family, or I felt like it anyway, when I was living with his sister. She's such a cool person. We didn't always get along and we don't really talk a whole lot anymore but she is still an incredible person. She has so much energy it's infectious. She has seen more transformation in me than I thought anyone would ever see. She is also, not that it's a bad thing at all, my biggest critic next to myself. She sees the good things I do but pushes me to improve on the things that I need to improve. She's just awesome in general.

It may sound pathetic but I really don't have many friends. I have a lot of acquaintances but not many real friends. They all either got married or something similar and I was kind of left behind. Not that that is bad either. It's just kind of sad. I'm by myself essentially. Anyway. That's my blog for today.

I'm such a worry wart...

So I know I totally freaked ya'll out yesterday about this whole court thing. I'm okay now. I went to the hearing today and the creep waived his right to a preliminary hearing. Basically, he took a plea bargain so I didn't have to testify against him.

He has to register for ten years on the sex offender registry and there is a possibility that he will get prison time. He pleaded out for a third degree felony instead of a second degree so it carries a maximum sentence of up to 5 years in prison but that's up to the judge. He's also going to be sat in front of two psychologists to determine if he's competent to stand in front of a judge or jury and there is a 1000 foot restraining order against him. So I'm safe.

I sent an email to my dad before I went home yesterday and basically broke down. He told me that the best way to conquer this fear that I have is to meet it head on which essentially what I did. I know I can handle something like that now. It's not that the nature of the fear has changed. My ability to handle it has grown.

So now, on to bettering myself and putting the last few years firmly behind me. I have been in Utah almost a full year now and I am so not the person that I was when I first got here. If you had asked me to do what I did today last year I would have laughed at you and said absolutely not. So I'm grateful that I can even recognize that things are even that different. Here's to more improvement...something that will no doubt be a constant for me throughout my life as I'm always screwing up in one way or another. :)

Serious Panic Attack!

Oh my goodness. I can't handle this. I have to be in court at 9 tomorrow and I can't handle this. I'm freaking out! I have to go and the only person going with me is a friend. Why can't tomorrow be the day after? Sometimes, a girl just needs her mom and dad and this is sure one of them. So lots of prayers for me would be good because tonight I'm going home and crying. I'll let you know what happens tomorrow.

Is it bad when you're head starts spinning because of something you're thinking about?